Dan Consiglio - The New Mom from A to Z: Real Tips for a Surreal Time

DAN CONSIGLIOis a husband, a father, and a world-renowned childrens art critic. This is his fourth book (The New Dad from A to Z; Of Course Youre Still Cool, Honey; Is That a Picasso on Your Fridge?). You can nd him online at danconsiglio.com, or visit his blog at whatmykidsartsays.blogspot.com. Dan thanks you for buying this book, or even taking the time to browse through it in the storethats nice of you.

the new mom from a to z

copyright 2012 by Dan Consiglio. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC

an Andrews McMeel Universal company

1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

ISBN: 978-1-4494-1874-8

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011937844

Book design by Diane Marsh

Cover design by Ren-Whei Harn

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introduction

I bet this is the first pregnancy or baby book youve picked up that hasnt strained your wrist. Good. Because, right now, the last thing you need is more stress, unsolicited advice, or random strangers touching your stomach. This book is supposed to be fun. Dont forget about fun. Fun is good. And if you pick up some solid, practical information along the way, well, thats a bonus. By now, youve certainly realized that having a baby comes with a good deal of stress, anxiety, and bizarre episodes of spontaneous crying. But what you cant forgetshould never forgetis that its also an incredible amount of fun. Messy, unpredictable, exhausting fun, but isnt that the best kind? Just nod and say yes.

to lauren, lily, lucy, and sam

a

is for answers

From the second you find out youre pregnant until, well, the rest of your life, pretty much, youre going to have lots and lots of questions about birth and kids and sleep and peanut allergies and car seats and preschools and explosive diarrhea and PG-13 movies and sex or lack of sex with your spouse. And guess what: Thats completely natural. But get thisthere wont always be an answer. There will be suggestions and advice, and really smarmy people will swear by certain things, but in the end, its entirely up to you. And thats the wonderful and terrifying thing about parenthood. That, and the fact that kids are cute and fun. Except when they have explosive diarrhea.

The Internet can be your best friend and your worst nightmare, literally. Use it in moderation. Research cribs or car seats, find mommy blogs, but dont make it your pediatrician, or youll be in the emergency room every time Baby has gas.

b

is for breast pads

Just as Band-Aids protect marathon runners nipples from chafing, breast pads protect you from matching circular milk stains that broadcast to the world, Look at me, I am like cow. They may not be the most comfortable solution in the world, but neither is holding your purse in front of your chest while you shop for groceries. You can try dark clothing, but without a pad, you can expect your Old Faithfuls to announce their presence every time you see or hear a baby, yours or not.

Enjoying your new boobs? Good for you. But before you get all giddy and spring for new bras, try a buck-fifty bra extender. That way youll fit into all your bras now, and also when your new boobs disappear. Just break that news to him gently.

c

is for cravings

Look, theres no scientific evidence to prove that when youre pregnant you crave hot-fudge sundaes, but your other half doesnt need to know that. All he needs to know is whether you want sprinkles or nutsyou feel me?

Throw out your scale. Its nine months on, nine months offor twelve. Youre ushering a human life into existence; thats a little more important than a cute butt. However, a cute butt is pretty fantastic.

d

is for dinner

If you were in the thrilling habit of preparing nightly dinners for you and your significant other, you can kiss that relished role good-bye for several weeks sans complaints (if your significant other is not a total and complete moron, that is). However, in return, be prepared for a steady diet of his favorite takeout, microwave delicacies, bland pasta mixed with butter and topped with crudely torn strips of American cheese, and canned chili. So while youll be sleeping like hell, youll also be eating like shit. But, hey, you have a baby!

Grocery stores sell lots of prepackaged dinners besides frozen pizzas. Or find one of those newfangled design-your-dinner places. You choose meals off a menu and theyll bag them and give you cooking instructions. Or get a frozen pizza. Freeze the meals until youre ready.

e

is for exercise pants

No, theyre not sweatpants, theyreexercisepants. Theres a huge differenceyou dont plan on actually sweating in them, just living in them for the next three to twelve years, depending on how many children you plan on having. However, gone are the days of dull gray cotton with drawstrings. Todaysexercisepants come in an exciting array of styles and materials designed to keep your lower half comfortable and your spouses disapproval at bay. Throw on a matchingexercisejacket and youll look as if you just finished a brisk 10K instead of anotherOprah-viewing breastfeeding tilt.