Tracy Wilde-Pace - Finding the Lost Art of Empathy: Connecting Human to Human in a Disconnected World

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Copyright 2017 by Tracy Wilde

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First Howard Books hardcover edition May 2017

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Jacket design by Albert Tang

Jacket image by Shutterstock/Inna Moreva

Author photograph Jim Jordan

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016051809

ISBN 978-1-5011-5629-8

ISBN 978-1-5011-5630-4 (ebook)

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are taken from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version). Copyright 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. http://www.crossway.org/rights-permissions/esv/.

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) or New International Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NKJV) are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. http://www.harpercollinschristian.com/permissions/.

For Tennysonbecause of you, I found empathy. Forever grateful for your life.

To my brother, Kristthe most meaningful voice in my life and the greatest example of one who lives out this generous and wild empathy.

T racy and I are cousins, so we have a long history together. And by history, I mean a lot of great memories with an occasional family drama thrown in. In retrospect, I might have been the source of much of the drama. Ive always had a flair for the dramatic. Anyway, many of my favorite childhood memories involve my cousins. We played together, we laughed together, we fought together, we spent holidays and vacations together.

I remember one holiday when I was eleven years old. It was winter, and several of us cousins had been playing together outside in the snow. We were heading back to the house when I slipped and fell flat on my back. Hard. I was sure I heard my spine snap or a rib break. I instantly started yelling, I cant move anything! I broke my back, guys! It hurts so bad! As I said, Ive always been dramatic.

I was certain I was on the verge of death or at least suffering from a punctured lung, but my cousins didnt seem to share my concern. As a matter of fact, I specifically remember Tracy laughing. Judah, youre fine. Just get up.

I refused. I lay on the driveway, whimpering pathetically, certain the chill I felt was the icy breath of death. It didnt occur to me at the time that I was lying in snow.

Finally, I told one of my cousins to find my mom and to tell her my back was broken and I needed her to come. Five minutes later, he came backwithout my mom. He had a message from her, though: Tell Judah his back isnt broken and to get up. Welcome to my childhood.

So I got up. And of course, my back was fine.

My point here is not that Tracy laughed at me (and then wrote a book about empathy twenty-five years later... oh, the irony). The point is that we all find ourselves flat on our backs at times. And in most cases, the circumstances are much more real than my imagined paralysis. In moments like those, being surrounded by friends who know about you, care about you, and stand beside you is essential.

I experienced this firsthand a few years ago when my father passed away from cancer. The initial months after his passing were the darkest of my life. I discovered the force and fury of true grief. I walked unwitting and unprepared into storms greater than any Ive ever faced. Storms of doubt. Storms of discouragement. Storms of depression. It was a dark time for my soul, and it took longer than I could have imagined to find peace and stability again.

As I look back on my journey of grief and healing, two things stand out. First, Gods unconditional grace sustained me every step of the way. I cant claim to have always been aware of it or to have appreciated it, but he led me, he held me, and he healed me.

Second, I was surrounded by the right people. Some were family, some were friends, some were leaders in our church, some were professional counselors. They had different approaches and different roles, but they shared one thing: true empathy. They knew me and they loved me, just as I was. No matter what I was going through. And no matter how long it took.

These people quite literally saved my life. Not with their words or counsel, helpful though that might have been. They saved me with love. They unconditionally stood with me, often silent, often weeping, as my soul found its way through the unfamiliar labyrinth of grief.

Empathy might be one of the truest qualities of authentic relationships. Empathy isnt about giving advice or shouting criticism from the outside. Anyone can do that. Empathy is about standing shoulder to shoulder with a friend, facing life together. Its about taking the time to walk a mile in his or her moccasins. Its about weeping with those who weep, laughing with those who laugh.

Heres the problem, though: Ive discovered Im better at receiving empathy than giving it. Much better. And Im guessing you can relate. In this fast-paced and results-oriented world, empathy often goes underrated and uncelebrated. We tend to value empathy when we need it and when we receive it, but we too easily forget to show it to others. It takes effort and intentionality to see beyond ourselves and to voluntarily feel what others are feeling.