Elena Lister - Giving Hope: Conversations with Children About Illness, Death, and Loss

A book of gentle wisdom, indispensable in our culture of denial, Giving Hope is a forthright and compassionate guide to speaking with children about death and grief in ways that support the resilience of the young soul.

Gabor Mat, MD, author of The Myth of Normal

I am so grateful for this important book, a resource that is sorely needed. We have a duty to our children to offer them a clear and genuine hope when facing the realities of death and dying. Dr. Lister and Dr. Schwartzman have given us a powerful tool to help us do that work and do it well. Jesus said, Let the little children come to me. We must do no less.

The Most Rev. Michael B. Curry, Presiding Bishop of The Episcopal Church and author of Love Is the Way

Ultimately, this is a book about truth, courage, empathy, and respect for children who must learn to live with loss and their parents who must guide them.

Steve Leder, bestselling author of The Beauty of What Remains

What a gem you are holding! No less that its about perhaps the hardest of subjects there ever was. The authors have eased what is easable, and theyve held kind space for the rest. Dip in and out to suit, or read it straight through. Youll learn about the unfathomable, about the inner life of kids, about how to be there for themand youll learn a lot about yourself, too.

BJ Miller, MD, coauthor of A Beginners Guide to the End

Giving Hope is a remarkable book by two sensitive, experienced therapists who deal brilliantly with the subjectoften neglectedof how to talk with children about death.

Clarice J. Kestenbaum, MD, Professor Emerita of Education and Training in the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Professor of Clinical Psychiatry, Columbia University Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons

Talking with childrenespecially your ownabout serious illness and death often feels overwhelming, but Giving Hope provides guidance on how to initiate these conversations. It gives parents and caregivers hope that they can help their children successfully navigate family tragedy and loss.

David J. Schonfeld, MD, Director, National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement at Childrens Hospital Los Angeles, and coauthor of The Grieving Student

These authors give the incalculable gift of presence, guidance, and clarity. How to talk to siblings. How to talk to classmates and kids friends and other parents. How to talk to the school. When the unimaginable actually happens, we need help from people who have been there and can light the way. This book, miraculously, is that help.

Diane E. Meier, MD, Professor, Department of Geriatrics and Palliative Medicine, Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai

Giving Hope is a compassionate and practical guide for parents who need to have the hardest and the most important conversations with children, announcing and explaining death and loss. This is a book that will support adults in speaking truth and providing comfort when children need it most.

Perri Klass, MD, Professor of Pediatrics, New York University, and author of The Best Medicine

As a pediatrician who communicates with families on difficult topics on a regular basis, I took away valuable lessons and helpful tidbits to share with families. It is a wonderful, accessible, and important read for people dealing with loss in their lives.

Susan Bostwick, MD, MBA, Professor of Clinical Pediatrics, Weill Cornell Medicine

Lister and Schwartzmans sensitive, insightful book is both practical and profound, an important guide for parents wrestling with one of their most challenging responsibilities. Enriched by poignant personal stories from decades of clinical practice, Giving Hope underscores the power of honesty in situations where we are inclined to hide the truth, and provides the vocabulary for the tough conversations necessary to build a foundation of trust and resilience.

Miguel Sancho, author of More Than You Can Handle

Sharing, explaining, and comforting children in the face of losses, including death, is one of the most demanding tasks we confront. Drs. Lister and Schwartzman have created the most simple, readable, yet psychologically sophisticated guide to date. I cannot recommend this book strongly enough!

David OHalloran, PhD, Headmaster, Saint Davids School

Giving Hope has the words and guidance I wish I had in my head and heart as I approached these important conversations with our children. It not only helps to make us better and more informed parents, it helps to deepen the bond between parent and child while creating a better humanity for us all.

Anne Williams-Isom, Esq., Former CEO, Harlem Childrens Zone

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Copyright 2022 by Elena Lister, MD, and Michael Schwartzman, PhD

Penguin Random House supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin Random House to continue to publish books for every reader.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Lister, Elena, author. | Schwartzman, Michael, 1953 author.

Title: Giving hope: conversations with children about illness, death, and loss / Elena Lister, MD, and Michael Schwartzman, PhD; with Lindsey Tate.

Description: New York: Avery, [2022] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021061855 (print) | LCCN 2021061856 (ebook) | ISBN 9780593419151 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780593419168 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Children and death. | Loss (Psychology in children). | Bereavement in children.

Classification: LCC BF723.D3 L57 2022 (print) | LCC BF723.D3 (ebook) | DDC 155.9/37dc23/eng/20220502

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021061855

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021061856

Cover design: Nellys Liang

Cover image: Jayk7 / Moment / Getty Images

Book design by Shannon Nicole Plunkett, adapted for ebook by Estelle Malmed

Neither the publisher nor the authors are engaged in rendering professional advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for consulting with your physician. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision. Neither the authors nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestion in this book.

While the authors have made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the authors assume any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.