Joey OConnor - Children and Grief: Helping Your Child Understand Death

2004 by Joey OConnor

Published by Revell

a division of Baker Publishing Group

P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.revellbooks.com

Previously published in 1997 under the title Heavens Not a Crying Place

Ebook edition created 2012

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-3176-5

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture is from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture identified GODS WORD is from GODS WORD and used by permission. Copyright 1995 by Gods Word to the Nations Bible Society. All rights reserved.

Sibling Grief: How Parents Can Help the Child Whose Brother or Sister Has Died, by Marcia G. Scherago is reprinted with permission.

When You Wish upon a Star is used with permission of the Compassionate Friends.

For more information about Joey OConnors books and Internet links for parents, teenagers, and kids, visit Joeys website: www.joeyo.com.

The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse them or vouch for their content or permanence.

For the Ricciardi family

Chuck, Loretta, Matthew Charles,

Faith Marie, and Christian

T his was a difficult book to write, but the people who graciously gave their time and energy in sharing the loss of their loved ones kept me motivated to keep writing. I am indebted to Doug, Regi, and Jacob Watt, Becky Pines, Ken Slaught, Todd Dean, Margaret Snyder, Clarise Brady, Chuck and Loretta Ricciardi, Dr. Randi McAllister, Hugh and Annette Jakes, Dr. Cendra Lynn of Griefnet, Kevin Grant, PJ Kerr, and Dean Lies. Much appreciation goes to John W. James and Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute in Sherman Oaks, California. Both were more than generous in allowing me to incorporate the principles of their work in this book through my work as a Grief Recovery Specialist. I am indebted to John and Russell for their work and mentorship in my life. For everyone who contributed, your willingness to help other people, your enthusiasm, your humor, and your belief in this project made its completion possible. All of you took a simple idea and helped create a needed tool for families who areor will someday gowhere you have been. Your courage amazes me. Thank you.

Also, special thanks to my father, Joseph OConnor Jr., who provided many insights and helpful thoughts from his work with grieving families for more than thirty-five years. Thanks to my brother, Neil, and brother-in-law Chuck, for their insights on understanding the funeral process.

Much appreciation goes to Dwight Baker for his compassion for families in crisis and desire to get this material to those who need it most. To Jennifer Leep, Kristin Kornoelje, Karen Steele, Twila Bennett, and the entire team at Revell, as always, Im grateful for your time, commitment, and enthusiasm you bring to every project. Special thanks to my friend, confidant, and literary agent, Tom Thompson, who serves and supports me with grace and a humble heart.

Finally, a heartfelt and loving thank-you to my wonderful wife, Krista, for her constant encouragement and belief in me. And thanks to my beautiful children, Janae, Ellie, Joseph, and Aidan. Your surprise attacks on the cookie jar in my office are blessed interruptions. The sounds of your little feet on my hardwood floor are pitter-patters of life.

A hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove. But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.

Author unknown

W hen I wrote the first edition of this book, titled Heavens Not a Crying Place: Teaching Your Child about Funerals, Death, and the Life Beyond , in 1997, the world was a much different place. In our post9/11 world, the realities of death, loss, and grief are daily broadcasted in our living rooms, homes, and schools. You and your children are asking a whole new set of questions, but at the same time, you still have to deal with the accidents, illnesses, and others losses that arrive at your doorstep.

In the pages that follow, you will learn how to talk to your children about the facts of death and loss. You will find helpful information that will deepen your understanding of the emotional components of grief and how to navigate your way through it. And you will receive plenty of practical ideas and tools for answering your childrens questions about God and heaven. Though it may feel a bit overwhelming, its not an impossible task to talk to children about the physical reality of death, the emotional components of grief, and their faith development. After working with parents and families for the past eight years, I know that you will find help, hope, encouragement, and perspective to do this very thing in the first few pages of . Though the world is a different place today, whats most important to me is whats happening in your world. Right now.

My goal in 1997, as it is now, was to help you as a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle, family friend, or significant adult who works with children deal with one of the most difficult topics known to humankind: How do we talk to our children about grief and death, loss and life, hope and heaven? There are dozens of helpful resources that have been written about child and adolescent bereavement, but in researching this book (both then and now), I am amazed at how few take seriously the integration of faith, spirituality, and the hope in God available to all people during these most difficult times. Faith is a core component in many families lives, but much of the grief literature available today pays little attention to just how powerful that component is.

That said, whether your family practices a specific faith tradition or not, your children are going to ask about death, heaven, and what happens to us when we die. All kids ask this question, because the core of who they are and the core of who we are is spiritual and not physical. If we were made to live forever on this earth, we wouldnt be having this discussion.

In fact, this book flowed out of an awkward discussion I had with my three-year-old daughter, Janae (who is now fourteen), following the death of a young college student named Joel Watt, a family friend who died in a boating accident. In addition, the home I grew up in was a wee bit different than the home you grew up in. My family has been in the funeral business for over a hundred years, and as youll soon discover, even though my family has a history dating back to horse-drawn hearses on the streets of Los Angeles and even though Im in the ministry and work with grieving families, Ive personally wrestled with how to talk to my four children about the difficult issues surrounding death, grief, and loss. When it comes to grief and loss, Im convinced there are no experts, only learners. Following Joels death and the difficult time I had answering all of Janaes perplexing questions, I asked myself, If I work at a church and my familys been in the funeral business for over a hundred years and Im struggling to answer my three-year-olds questions about life and death and heaven, how are other parents doing?