Colleen Ogrady - Dial Down the Drama: Reducing Conflict and Reconnecting with Your Teenage Daughter¿A Guide for Mothers Everywhere

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Dial Down the Drama

Dial Down the Drama

Reducing Conflict and Reconnecting with Your Teenage DaughterA Guide for Mothers Everywhere

COLLEEN OGRADY

AMERICAN MANAGEMENT ASSOCIATION
New York Atlanta Brussels Chicago Mexico City San Francisco Shanghai Tokyo Toronto Washington, D. C.

To my daughter, Erin,
My delight, who reminds me to live life to the fullest.

To my mom,
My rock, who has always encouraged me to be my best.

To my grandmother Nana,
My inspiration, who always told me to thine own self be true.

Contents

PART I
Regaining Perspective on Your Life as a Mom

PART II
Rebuilding Your Connection with Your Daughter

PART III
Creating a New Future for You and Your Daughter

Acknowledgments

I want to give thanks

To the many authentic and courageous moms who have opened their hearts and trusted me with their stories about their daughters over the past twenty-five years: Its because of you that I have written this book.

To my family: I am blessed to have such amazing parents: You have always believed in me even when I was an obstinate teenager; you always told me, You could do anything you set your mind to. As it turned out, you were right. I dont know what I would do without my sister, Cathy: You have always had my back, and have beenand aremy constant cheerleader. And to my dearest daughter, Erin: You have been my greatest teacher. What a ride and journey your teenage years have been. I am grateful for being with you in the glory and the messiness, and watching you transform into a remarkable human being.

To my friends: I am grateful for all of youElizabeth, Glen, Jenny, Joan, Julia, Julie, Kevin, Kia, Lorna, Marie, Marty, Sherry, Teresa, and Tom. You have been there, listened, shared your stories, encouraged (even made me a few dinners), and prayed with me through the completion of this book.

To Christine Kane and the Platinum Mastermind: Im eternally grateful for your fierce belief in my message; you had the foresight to say to me, You know you need to write a book, and pierced my defenses. (Thus was this book conceived.) And many thanks to all my platinum friends who got it and celebrated each step of this journey with me. Especially Anna, Elaine, Jen, Starla, Stacey, and Sue, who have been there from the beginning.

To Christine Kloser and the Transformational Author Experience: You introduced me to everything I ever needed to know about writing a book, and you helped turn this passionate book novice into a published author.

To Jane Friou,my brilliant marketing coordinator: Thanks for your availability and honest critique when I needed another set of eyes, especially in the late night hours.

To Sara Arey and Ken Stone:You kept me centered and clear about who I am, my purpose, and how this book can serve the world.

To my wonderful agent Jacquie Flynn from Delbourgo Agency: You sent me an email that said contact me if you havent been snatched up. And so I did. I so appreciate your honesty, enthusiasm, energy, humor, and determination; you found my book the perfect home.

To the incredible team at AMACOM, especially my editor, Robert Nirkind: You patiently and strategically walked me through each chapter, and then turned me over to the tender ministrations of my copyeditor, Debbie Posner, who helped my manuscript shine.

Introduction

As I was finishing this book, I sat in a room with some very successful women entrepreneurs at a weekend retreat. These women were dressed in confidence as well as professional clothes. Then an interesting thing happened; the conversation switched from talking about their business to talking about being a mom. All these women happened to have teenage daughters. It didnt take long before the tears came. One mom talked about feeling guilty about not having enough time with her daughter. Another said, I feel like a terrible mom sometimes because I cant handle my daughters sassy and defiant attitude and I lose my temper. They talked about feeling like they werent good enough moms. They admitted judging themselves constantly, questioning if they were good or bad moms, based on how their daughters were behaving. I was grateful for these womens honesty. Working moms as well as stay-at-home moms regularly think about how they are doing as moms and can be extremely hard on themselves. This is especially true for those with teenage daughters. Running a multimillion dollar business can feel like a piece of cake when facing a defiant and dramatic teenage daughter.

If you are reading this book, I know that you really care about your daughter and that you are tired and done with all the teenage drama. Believe me, youre not the only one. With Dial Down the Drama we will raise the bar for what is possible for mother and daughter during the teenage years. You will learn to reduce conflict, reconnect with your teenage daughter, and reclaim your life.

Traditionally, parenting guides focus on techniques and scripts. But these books miss a key component in turning things around: Mom! You cannot be expected to always be completely detached and objective. When your daughter turns on you, or betrays your trust, it can break your heart or make you furious. When your daughter is out past curfew and doesnt return your text messages, you panic. You feel these things deeply because this is your child, your own flesh and blood. And you can take things personally. Add to this that you are already stressed enough, under tremendous pressure to do it all and to do it perfectly.

And, as a mom, you can strongly identify with your teenage daughter. What happens or doesnt happen to your daughter can bring up your own issues, regrets, and traumas. Its no wonder that your drama-filled daughter can turn you into a Drama Mama. The good news is that it doesnt have to be this way. This seemingly hopeless situation can be turned around.

How do I know this? I have worked with families, specifically mothers and daughters, for over twenty-five years as a licensed marriage and family therapist. I have supervised and trained clinicians in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. I have worked with mothers and daughters locally in my private practice, and with moms all over the world in my Power Your Parenting programs through my website.