Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse - Life After Divorce: Create a New Beginning

Health Communications, Inc.

Deerfield Beach, Florida

www.hcibooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Wegscheider-Cruse, Sharon, 1938

Life after divorce : create a new beginning / Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.Rev. & updated.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-0-7573-1667-8 (pbk.)

ISBN 0-7573-1667-0 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7573-1668-5 (epub)

ISBN 0-7573-1668-9 (epub)

1. Divorce. 2. Divorce counseling. 3. Divorced peopleCounseling of. I. Title.

HQ814.W44 2012

306.89dc23

2012040348

2012 Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, FL 33442-8190

Cover design by Dane Wesolko
Interior design and formatting by Dawn Von Strolley Grove
E-Book formatted by Dawn Von Strolley Grove

Contents

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER ONE
Divorce Possibilities: Action Versus Fear

CHAPTER TWO
Dynamics of a Dissolving Marriage

CHAPTER THREE
Technology and Relationships

CHAPTER FOUR
The Leaver and the Left: Both Hurting, Both Healing

CHAPTER FIVE
Trauma Recovery Begins with Planned Self-Care

CHAPTER SIX
Collaborative Divorce and Mediation

CHAPTER SEVEN
Feelings Need to Be Felt

CHAPTER EIGHT
Losses Make Lasting Lessons

CHAPTER NINE
Divorce and Friendship

CHAPTER TEN
Most Ex-Spouses Agree: Divorce Is a Positive Force

CHAPTER ELEVEN
Helping Children Cope with Divorce

CHAPTER TWELVE
Divorce and Adult Children

CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The Family System

CHAPTER FOURTEEN
A New You for a New Life

CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Choosing to Live Single

CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Dating, Sexuality, and Remarriage

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Mapping Your Journey of Change

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Introduction

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

David Russell

Frequently reported near 50 percent, divorce rates have continued to climb since the original Life After Divorce was published. This may not be exact, but it is close. According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, 50 percent of first marriages, 67 percent of second, and 74 percent of third all end in divorce.

It is a commentary on the culture of marriage today. From each divorce come many painful fallouts, and periodically, there is a for the better lifestyle change.

Let me tell you about Jan, a lovely woman about fifty years old. She married almost thirty years ago. Her husband is a quiet man working in the computer industry. He has few interests, mostly passive ones such as computer games, watching sports on TV, and reading. Jan is outgoing and works for a public relations firm. She is full of energy, likes to learn new things, and is very active playing tennis and hiking.

She is currently doing all the social networking for the couple. He brings very little to their social life but enjoys her success, connections, and lifestyle. She brings in more income than he does, which allows him to keep buying technical toys. She also brings the energy into the relationship; however, Jan is tired. She feels used. Jan has been ill on and off a great deal the last couple of years. Her doctor is telling her that most of it is stress related. She cannot remember feeling appreciated or cared for in a long time.

Jan was offered a new career opportunity, and she would like to move across the country to take advantage of it. Her husband wants her to keep doing what she has always done. She wants to pursue her careera path that offers much more give-and-take in her relationships than there is in her marriage. Jan has filed for divorce.

This example can be viewed two ways. We can dwell on the sadness surrounding the impending divorce, as there must have been a time when love was present in this relationship. Or, we can look at it from another perspective. Jan is making changes on her own behalf that will likely bring better health and joy into her life. To truly know whether the divorce is a good move or if it is about to bring even more pain, we would need to know all of the circumstances surrounding her case. This is one reason why divorce can be so confusing not only for the couple involved but for family and friends as well.

Other issues that may further complicate divorce include child custody issues and emotional struggles between both parents and adult children, all of which will be explored later. Sometimes, even grandchildren can complicate the situation.

Of the three, grandchildren issues are often some of the most difficult to face. Children bring out the protective nature of everyone involved, and each person tends to believe that his or her perspective is the correct one. Sometimes the conflict around custody and care brings out the need to control, and power struggles become paramount. Issues surrounding financial support, alcohol use, and religious beliefs, just to name a few, can also complicate the situation.

During a divorce, friends often feel that they have to choose sides. Therefore, many friendships are severed after a divorce. This fact is a sad and an unnecessary loss. Yet perhaps it doesnt have to be the case. I will address ways you can preserve friendships.

It is my hope that some of these ideas and subjects will be clarifying for you as you take this next step in your life. May this revised edition also be helpful for divorce attorneys. Many have sent letters informing me of the positive impact the original Life After Divorce has had on their practices and how theyve recommended that their divorcing clients read it before starting negotiations.

Major Reasons for Divorce

ABUSE

Abuse can be emotional or physical. Ignoring the needs of either partner can be a painful type of emotional abuse. Withholding approval, blaming, judging, and not carrying the responsibility of a partner are all forms of emotional abuse. Becoming involved in any addiction or dependency places an emotional burden and pain on the other partner. Alcoholism, workaholism, laziness, sexually acting out, avoidance of child care, gambling, and excess spending all come with consequences and are often described as emotional abuse.

Tom works hard. He puts in seventy-hour weeks and is tired much of the time. His wife, Pam, is a spendaholic. To keep the credit cards paid, Tom must hold a second job. On Sundays, he drives a tour bus. For a long time Tom felt guilty for not bringing in enough money to cover the credit cards. He became angry because Pam could not control her spending. He was surprised to hear a counselor tell him that he was suffering from abuse.

Kim is very overweight. She feels fat and lonely much of the time. In her marriage, she has been left solely in charge of the home front. Her life is very unhappy. John is gone most of the time, either working, playing basketball with the guys, or stopping for a beer with coworkers on most nights. He makes frequent snide remarks about his wifes weight and hints that she isnt much fun. After seeking counseling, Kim was amazed to hear the counselor say that she is being emotionally abused.