Sunny Sea Gold - How To Do Anything Better

How To Do Anything Better

Practical Tips for Everyday Life

From the Editors of Scientific American
Cover Image: Klaus Vedfelt/GettyImages
Letters to the Editor
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ISBN: 978-1-948933-27-8

Tips for Acing Life

When we think about the things we do every daydriving, working, parentingwe realize that even with tasks we are generally good at, there is always room for improvement. As always, science is on the case. This eBook contains a collection of columns written by Sunny Sea Gold, a health and psychology journalist whose work has appeared in O: The Oprah Magazine and Parents. These selections, published by Scientific American between 2009 2017, offer practical tips for acing life from nailing that job interview to giving the perfect gift.

The Editors

How to Be a Better Parent

God help me, being a parent is hard. Its not necessarily the basic Abraham Maslows hierarchy of needs stuff that gets me, although providing for ones family is a daily pressure. No, what makes parenting so tough (at least for me) is the knowledge that Iquirky, flawed, only human meam responsible for how my kids will turn out. At the date of publication, there are 58,000 parenting books for sale on Amazon, and thousands of parenting studies are published every year. Sometimes I think I havent read enough of them; other times I think Ive read way too much. Either way, here are three bits of research-backed advice that have resonated with me recently. I hope they will help you, too.

#1 Let your kids get bored.

As the mother of two girls younger than four, sometimes I feel like a cruise director. It takes dozens of play ideas to keep them busy for an entire rainy day here in Portland, Ore., and by the end of it Im wrecked. Yet scheduling our kids with tons of classes and activities may backfire, according to a 2014 study in Frontiers in Psychology. The more structured activities such as soccer lessons or dance classes the six-year-old subjects had, the less self-directed executive function they showed. This mental process basically helps children regulate their emotions and set and reach goals on their own. And it has been linked to better health, grades and a more stable work life later on. So what is the alternative to planning out their time? Let your kids get bored and figure out what to do on their own, says psychologist Michael Ungar, co-director of the Resilience Research Center at Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia. Boredom in our context of hyperstimulation may give children opportunities to exercise creativity and develop initiative, persistence and a sense that they can influence their world, he says. Another bonus of this more hands-off approach? Maybe Mommy can flip through a magazine once in a while, or, I dunno, take a shower.

#2 Thou shalt not snowplow.

Like helicopter parents, snowplow parents tend to hoverthey want to smooth the path in front of their growing children, clearing away obstacles. Unfortunately, research in self-determination theory shows that doing so undermines a persons sense of competence and autonomy, leading to higher levels of anxiety and depression, lower grades in school and less satisfaction with lifeeven into adulthood. If theres not enough parental involvement, thats not good. If theres too much, thats not good either, says Holly H. Schiffrin, a developmental psychology researcher and associate professor at the University of Mary Washington. Even in my college classroom Ive had some parents e-mail me to set up their kids class schedule or call me about grades I gave on their assignments. I tell them that their children need to make an appointment to speak to me about it. When parents do not adjust their involvement to a level that is developmentally appropriate as their children get older, the kids end up lacking the skills they need to function as adults, Schiffrin says.

#3 Secure your own oxygen mask first.

If you are struggling to breathe, you are no help to anyone! The evidence for taking care of your own needs first in terms of parenting couldnt be clearer, especially when it comes to addressing unresolved medical and mental health issues. Mothers are more likely to either ignore or overreact to kids misbehavior when they are mired in depression, for example, according to a two-year-long study in Psychological Science. Adults with ADHD also improve their parenting skills when they get treated, Pennsylvania State University researchers have found. All of our day-to-day health-related activities matter, too. A 2015 study of national health data from the U.K. suggests that parents way of life may be just as important as genetics in passing down obesity. Further evidence: children in a London School of Economics and Political Science study from 2014 who had two overweight biological parents were 27 percent more likely than other kids to be overweight, yet adopted children of overweight parents were almost as equally more likely to be heavy21 percent.

Okay, Universe, I get it. Its time to make a date with my New Balance sneakers. The size of my jeans may not matter much to me, but showing my kids a healthier way to live? That truly does.

How to Be a Better Son or Daughter

A few years ago I got a new laptop for work and gave my old Macintosh iBook to my mom. Shed been itching for a way to check Facebook and e-mail from the couch and had always wanted a Mac, so she was thrilled. That is, until my ham-fisted lessons on the operating system started up. No, Mom, you dont need to double-click on hyperlinks anymore Apple-Q is quit, Mom. No, hit Apple and Q at the same time. Eventually she asked my more patient, less irritable husband to be her tech guru because, well, I was being a grouch. That wasnt my finest moment as a daughter, and it made me think: What can I do to be a better, more grateful child to this woman who dedicated so much of her life to me? Here is what sociology and psychology research has to say on the matter:

#1 Have a happy life.

Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin asked 600 middle-aged parents to list their childrens major life problems, such as job losses or car accidents, and their successes, such as having a happy marriage or family of their own. They found that having multiple successful adult children predicted better well-being for the parentswhereas having just one kid with serious problems dragged down Mom and Dads emotional health. Parents are more invested in their adult kids than the reverse; this is something we find in every study we do, says lead author Karen Fingerman. To mitigate the blowback on your parents when something bad does happen to you, try to recognize that they are empathizing with you and are often concerned, sometimes even more concerned about whats going on in your life than you are. Sometimes you may have to reassure your parents, she says, suggesting adult children can make sure to give their parents positive updates every so oftenits all too easy to call them only to complain.