Suzanne M. Johnson - For Lesbian Parents: Your Guide to Helping Your Family Grow Up Happy, Healthy, and Proud

For Lesbian Parents

Your Guide to Helping
Your Family Grow Up
Happy, Healthy, and Proud

Suzanne M. Johnson, PhD
Elizabeth OConnor, PhD

THE GUILFORD PRESS
New York London

E-Pub Edition ISBN: 9781462506231

2001 The Guilford Press
A Division of Guilford Publications, Inc.
72 Spring Street, New York, NY 10012
www.guilford.com

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, translated, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the Publisher.

Last digit is print number: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available from the Publisher

ISBN 1-57230-663-7 (pbk.)

To our daughters
Bailey Suzanne Johnson OConnor
Rowan Morgan Johnson OConnor

Acknowledgments

We want to thank a number of people who have helped us as we worked on this book. First and most important, Kitty Moore, Senior Editor at The Guilford Press, who literally supported our work from day one and whose encouragement helped us get this project off the ground. We were also lucky enough to have had the assistance of editor Chris Benton at Guilford, whose suggestions and insights improved the book dramatically. An anonymous reviewer gave us feedback and comments at different stages of this project and each time added valuable advice. Many thanks to Kathy Martin, the worlds most amazing transcriber, friend, and frequent childcare provider for our children. Our research assistant, Nanette Silverman, maintained a level of energy and enthusiasm that often exceeded our own. Her thoroughness is commended. Suzannes colleagues and the administration at Dowling College graciously granted her released time from a full teaching load in order to work on this book. Last but not least, Alternative Family Magazines assistance helped us get into contact with many of the women we interviewed.

We want to offer our most sincere thanks and appreciation to those women who consented to be interviewed for this project. In sharing their stories, they illuminated our understanding of what it means to be a lesbian mother. Their openness, courage, and willingness to give of their time humbled us and made us proud to be members of the lesbian community.

Finally, we want to thank our daughters: Bailey, whose arrival turned us into a family and who is unfailingly delighted at the thought that her mothers are writing a book; and Rowan, whose joy for life is a constant inspiration and who did not give up her afternoon naps until we were almost finished with this book.

SUZANNE AND BETH

Contents

Chapter 9. Gender Development, Boys Will Be Boys,
Girls Will Be Girls, and Men in Our Childrens Lives

Introduction:
Why Write This Book?

Just like all expectant parents, we embarked on our journey to parenthood with our eyes opened wide, our hearts overflowing with love, and our minds filled with the belief that we knew what it would be like to have a child. We completely transformed our adult, academic-filled house into one with every state-of-the-art, developmentally appropriate infant toy and accessory. We planned how we would juggle our teaching and research responsibilities with childcare. We discussed the challenges we would face as a family marked as different but had complete confidence in our ability to meet them. We fantasized about what our children would be like. And thrown in for good measure, we relied on the fact that we both had our PhDs in developmental psychology. So what could we possibly need to learn that we didnt already know?

As it turned out, a lot. In truth we had absolutely no idea what parenthood would be like, although we would have vehemently challenged anyone who said differently. The fact is, no training, education, or fantasizing can truly prepare you for parenthood. It is something that you make happen and happens to you at the same time. It is overwhelming, exhausting, terrifying, thrilling, and joyous, all at once. It requires more stamina than a marathon. It demands more energy and attention than you knew you had.

In addition to the adjustments that any new parent must make, we had another factor to contend with: We are lesbians. Our child (and later our younger daughter as well) would be raised by two women. We quickly realized that we were setting sail in uncharted waters. We did not personally know any other lesbian or gay couples who had decided to become parents. There was not much written about families like ours. Of course we had read April Martins The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook and Suzanne Slaters The Lesbian Family Life Cycle. We loved Audre Lords writings about raising her children. These authors were important to us, in showing us that others had gone where we were about to go. But living in our nice little suburban town in Long Island, we still felt a bit apprehensive.

We remember our first evening at Lamaze class with Beth weeks away from delivering our first daughter. We sat in the rec room with nine first-time heterosexual parents, all staring at each other as the Lamaze teacher went around the room asking each of us to introduce ourselves. When she got to us, Beth spoke first.

My name is Beth and Im about seven months along.

Lori, the Lamaze teacher, followed up. And do you know what youre having?

Yes, we do. Its a girl, Beth said.

Then Lori turned to Suzanne. And who are you?

Suzanne smiled slightly, glanced around the room, and began. My name is Suzanne. Im Beths partner of ten years. She really wants to go through natural childbirth, which I think is an oxymoron, but thats beside the point. Im here to support her and hopefully be able to get through the birthing process without needing major medical intervention.

Lori looked confused for a moment and asked, Medical intervention for Beth?

Suzanne shook her head. No, for me.

Lori smiled and nodded awkwardly. The other nine couples did the same. So much for attempts at humor.

There have always been children who have been raised by gay or lesbian parents, but it is only recently that so many families have been created by openly gay parents. The gay baby boom, as it has been called, has come about as a result of a number of phenomena. The gay liberation movement of the 1970s empowered gay men and lesbians to be more open about their lives and to reject living in isolation and secrecy. Increased tolerance in much of society toward homosexuality followed, leading to a loosening of legal barriers against homosexual parenting. Advances in medicine also played a role, with various forms of alternative reproduction allowing lesbians to bear children. It is impossible to know for certain how many families there are today that are headed by gay men or lesbians; no one keeps records, and many parents keep their sexuality secret. While there are no definitive numbers, it is estimated that between six and fourteen million children are being raised by at least one gay or lesbian parent in the United States today (Time, 26 October 1998). While at times we may feel we are alone, we are not. We are growing in number, and our families are becoming part of the fabric of our schools and communities.

There is great diversity within the community of gay- and lesbian-headed families. Our families originated in various ways, including alternative reproduction techniques, adoption, and re-creating a family after a divorce. Some parents are out in their communities in all possible ways, while others maintain privacy. We come from different cultural, religious, and educational backgrounds, yet we are united in our desire to raise happy, healthy children.