Priwer Shana - Gay Parenting: Complete Guide For Same-Sex Families

Copyright 2006 by Shana Priwer and Cynthia Phillips

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever, including electronic, mechanical or any information storage or retrieval system, except as may be expressly permitted in the 1976 Copyright Act or in writing from the publisher.

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New Horizon Press

PO Box 669

Far Hills, NJ 07931

Shana Priwer and Cynthia Phillips

Gay Parenting: Complete Guide for Same-Sex Families

Cover Design: Wendy Bass

Interior Design: Susan Sanderson

Library of Congress Control Number: 2005924254

ISBN-13 (eBook): 978-0-88282-503-8

New Horizon Press

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

AUTHORS NOTE:

Due to privacy concerns, the names and personal information for all individuals mentioned in this book have been changed, and some characters are composites.

DEDICATION:

This book is dedicated to our three children (Zoecyn, Elijah and Benjamin) who have enriched our lives and taught us the most important elements of parenting first-hand.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

The authors would like to thank the gay parenting groups in the San Francisco Bay Area who contributed their knowledge and expertise, as well as the many people whose stories are shared in this book. They also would like to thank the mothers of the MOMS e-mail list, hosted by Queernet.org, for their wisdom over the years. Special thanks to Dr. Marshall Gilula for his continued love and support.

T he decision to raise a child is, without a doubt, the most consequential one you will ever make, simply meaning that this choice is full of consequences! It is also full of love, energy, happiness, sadness, sickness and health.

Gays and lesbians arrive at the decision to become parents through many different courses, all of them involving soul-searching and in most cases research. Gay families will encounter issues that straight families generally do not consider. The road is not always easy, but the end of the journey is, in our opinion and the opinions of those weve interviewed, worth every moment of stress and contemplation. The goal of this chapter will be to explain some of the generic issues crucial to any family on the brink of parenthood, and will pay special attention to ones that gay and lesbian parents need to be aware of.

Gay families often consist of two mothers or two fathers; single gays and lesbians, as well as bisexual and transgender individuals, can, of course, start their own families as well. A note on terminology: we will often use the shorthand gay family or lesbian family to actually mean gay or lesbian parented family. In most cases of a gay or lesbian couple with children, it is the parents who are lesbian or gay, not necessarily the children!

Extended family can be one major source of either bliss or contention in a gay familys life. Factors that may affect the role that the extended family plays in your childs life are the quality of your relationships with your in-laws and your own relatives degree of acceptance of your sexuality. These are topics to think about as you consider what role your childs grandparents will play in his or her life. Oftentimes the lure of grandchildren can be enough to change a parents acceptance level, but other times it can go in the opposite direction. Depending on how important it is to secure the approval of the future grandparents, a gay or lesbian family may want to deal with these issues before heading down the road to parenthood.

ARE YOU SURE NOWS THE TIME?

While deciding to become a parent can be a decision that couples belabor for months or even years, the desire can also be sparked very quickly. While some gay or lesbian couples consider parenthood for an extended period, one partner may wake up one morning and feel the time is right. Especially for lesbian couples, one womans biological clock (or both!) may have been ticking away for years, and finally gotten to the point where the decision to parent can no longer be ignored if the person is to give birth to a child.

Marty and Chris are one such couple. When they first met, both women talked about wanting children one day, but neither felt ready to take on the responsibility at that point. As their relationship became more serious, their talks of becoming parents became more frequent, but always ended in, Well do it some day.

Theyd been together for about five years when Marty decided it was time to start a family. I was finishing up a graduate degree, Chris comments, when Marty said that she made an appointment with an infertility doctor. I thought, WHAT? Now? After weeks of debate and discussion, Chris realized that the choice simply wasnt hers to make alone. Marty felt with every inch of her being that it was time to get pregnant. I knew there was no talking her out of it, and it wouldnt have been fair to try. One partners feeling that the time has come to bear children may make little or no sense to the other partner, but that doesnt make the urge any less real.

The desire for a child is not always a rational decision. While some parents may want to wait until they are financially secure and have jobs that can easily accommodate being a parent, others simply cannot wait. The notion of the biological clock is the subject of some scientific debate, but its undeniable that hormones play a major role in the way we live our daily lives. Biological timers help our bodies adjust to daily fluctuations, such as waking up as the sun rises and getting sleepy as the sun sets. While humans certainly can (and do) override these natural preferences, theres little doubt that the body and nature have been designed to work together in a complementary fashion. Parenthood is one of those decisions that can come on a gut, instinctual level rather than being an intellectual decision. Parenting involves many losses of control, and the decision to become a parent is often the first of those seemingly irrational decisions!

One of the first facts to become immediately obvious to a gay or lesbian couple is that their parenting experience will be a very different proposition from what is experienced by a heterosexual couple. A major difference is that, for gay and lesbian couples, parenthood is usually a conscious decision. There tend to be very few unplanned gay pregnancies or adoptions. Because of this reality, gay and lesbian couples often tend to be older than their heterosexual counterparts before parenting their first child. Gay couples will often go back and forth for years before succeeding in their dream to become parents.

DONT WAIT FOREVER

While its always wise to study the available options before making an informed decision, it is important not to wait too long. Once youve committed yourselves to becoming a family, let the debates and indecision cease.

Remember that theres no perfect time to become a parent. Abhi and Jose, a gay male couple from Oregon, had the Are we ready? discussion for several years before deciding that they simply wanted to be parents. Abhi recalls, You can always have more money or a better job. You can always live in a better house. So at some point, you just have to stop worrying and do it.

Money and material possessions wont make you a better parent and it is important eventually to come to terms with the idea that you cannot prepare yourselves for parenthood one hundred percent. Jose and Abhi knew that the right time to have a child was when they both decided that they were ready. Eventually, we knew that all these external factors just didnt matter that much, Abhi says. We both had well-paying jobs, and we figured that that was enough.