Kimberly Callis - Physical Health Effects and Complex PTSD

Physical Health and Complex PTSD Kimberly Callis

An Informed PatientsPerspective on Complex PTSD
and Marijuana-Supported Therapy

Book 3, Physical Health andComplex PTSD

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By KimberlyCallis

FIRSTEDITION

Copyright 2014 KimberlyCallis

ISBN 978 1 310 136801

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There are wounds thatnever show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful thananything that bleeds.

Laurell K. Hamilton

I want to challenge you to think aboutpost-traumatic stress disorders in a new way to move beyondthinking of PTSD as mental illness and see it for the systemicneuroendocrine disorder that disrupts the normal balance of energy,emotion and functioning.

Most of the more common symptoms of PTSD anxiety, depression, confusion, eating disorders, addiction andeven suicidality can also have physiological sources. In themajority of cases, there are underlying illnesses and chronicimbalances that contribute to mental and emotional symptoms.

I had to learn this myself after I wasdiagnosed with Complex PTSD several years ago; a disorder stemmingfrom childhood trauma that affects development and is compounded byrecurrent traumatic experiences and chronic stress intoadulthood.

While the experience of specific types oftrauma and stress can affect a persons psychology in differentways, recurring traumas and chronic stress, in general, have apervasive and particularly damaging effect on physical health.

The pathways are similar in nearly allcases; chronic activation or over-stimulation of the stressresponse. This response is also known as fight-or-flight.

Biologically, all emotions are supported bychemistry. All thoughts are supported by neurobiology. This is thechemistry and electricity of who we are and how we experience ourlives. Being unwell mentally especially when symptoms are chronic generally means there is some corresponding imbalance in thebody, one or more comorbid chronic conditions that influencecognition, emotions and mood. Just look at how stress affects thebody and the mind.

Chronic health issues can reinforce and complicatepsychological symptoms in a feedback loop that makes the suffererfeel as if they will never truly recover. Thats how I felt, atleast until I started looking more deeply into my condition.

The way I discovered the relationship ofphysical and mental health for myself was difficult and involved. Iresearched and read as many medical and scientific papers as Icould after my diagnosis. I took courses on psychology and biologyonline. I was a bit obsessed with understanding what was going onwith me.

I wasnt happy to think that suddenlyeverything had gone wrong in my mind it seemed like it was morethan just something in my head.

In line with the commonly accepteddefinition of Complex PTSD, I had an extended list of symptomsbeyond the American Psychiatric Associations Diagnostic andStatistical Manual classifications for PTSD and included all of themarkers for Disorders of Extreme Stress as well. This was thelegacy of neglect and abuse I experienced as a child, but it wasntjust in my head it was bound in my body.

I was only in my early forties, but myphysical health was failing fast. I had a number of illnesses thathad been affecting my health for years. It seemed like every otherword in my medical file was chronic. I was in bad shape and itwas all linked in some way to chronic nervous system and endocrinesystem issues all tied to a cycle of stress that had started morethan 40 years before.

Journal Excerpt: Stillness

Sometimes I am amazed at how still my bodycan be. There is a place I can go to, deep inside myself, where Ijust dont feel what my body is doing. Its quiet and stilldarkand warm. Sometimes its a peaceful place to be. Sometimes itsfrightening a confrontation with my demons.

I let myself go to this place so much thatmy body simply wasted away. I built the softest walls around methose that give others support and comfort. I mothered and caredfor others while I starved myself of the things I needed most.Something in me was broken.

It wasnt just the pain in my body tellingme that I was beyond repair it was the voices in my head tellingme I was beyond hope and not worth fixing. I was convinced that mydemons were within me as justice for my weakness of character andmind. I was certain that there was nothing in front of me, exceptthe blackness that had taken everything that was ever good in myfather. I suppose I had finally lived up to his prediction of me. Iwas stupid and worthless.

My mistakes of the last several yearshaunted me in those black times when my body was shut down forhealing. I banished myself to a crappy little apartment and a roomthe size of the smallest walk-in closet I had during my prosperousyears. The army cot and Ikea mattress I slept on reinforced thepain in my wretched little body and rang out a karmic lesson I wassure I deserved.

My only sunlight were the days that I feltwell enough in mind and body to drag myself to the office. Therewere times that reminded me of home and teams that came togetherfor a shared task and finished as friends. I found that again.Here, in a country I had learned to detest among people I thoughtas cold as the Dutch winters. These friends helped me rediscover alove for people. It restored a faith I questioned as a ridiculousfairy tale, even though I kept my friends at a distance.

I had no trouble with openness. I discoveredthat losing my battle with myself meant that I had lost aconnection with my ego. There was just no point in avoiding truths,especially fundamental ones. Somewhere the gentle support offriendship helped me face those demons in my darkest days, myweakness of spirit had convinced me that mortality would soon showitself, my openness allowed me to face answers to questions that Ihad forgotten I asked.

I slowly found myself in this dark place,and I was small.

When the episodes started I wasnt ready.They hit me hard. I had burned what little energy I had left in mybody in those brief weeks of living well. I tried to keep up withobligations I had made when I could keep a heavy schedule. I wasdown to 41.5kgs ( 91 lbs ) within three weeks.

I rediscovered the feeling of being afraid.I was afraid of not having life. I was afraid of not having thetomorrow I could make for myself. In this I had found a horizon,somehow there really was a tomorrow. It was a lifeline of sorts. Itmade me reach out for help when my body started shutting down onme. It made me place the need of my body above the torment of mymind. It made me face life and choose for it.

It was the strangest battle. I thought thatI could just get in there with the doctors again and get my bodyback. I could foresee a familiar path with doctors, scans,surgeries and recoveries. I could see a time when I would be backin action, my old self. I had a long look at where I was and I wasin shocking condition. Whatever was ahead of me on this familiarroad was not going to happen easily to a body in this poor state. Ineeded to get a handle on things.

First, we [the doctors and I] needed tofigure out what we were up against. I was used to medicine in theUS and Australia. The system in the Netherlands was completelyincomprehensible and not just because of language.