Bruce C. Hafen - Covenant Hearts

Photographs by Wal Richards, pages 4 through 6, used by permission of Maryborough-Midlands Historical Society, Inc., Maryborough, Australia.

Drawing by Kthe Kollwitz entitled Kopf eines Kindes in den Hnden der Mutter (Head of a Child in the Hands of Its Mother), page 268, is a detail study for an etching from 1900.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hafen, Bruce C.

Covenant hearts : why marriage matters and how to make it last / Bruce C. Hafen.

pages cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN-10 1-59038-536-5 (hardbound : alk. paper) ISBN-13 978-1-59038-536-4 (hardbound : alk. paper)

ISBN-13 978-1-60907-589-7 (paperbound)

1. MarriageReligious aspectsChurch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 2. MarriageReligious aspectsMormon Church. 3. Mormon ChurchDoctrines. 4. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day SaintsDoctrines. 5. Marriage. I. Title.

BX8641.H33 2005

248.4 ' 89332dc222005022078

Printed in the United States of America

R. R. Donnelley, Crawfordsville, IN

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For Marie

The wife of thy youth, ...

thy companion,

and the wife of thy covenant

Malachi 2:14

Publishers Preface

Publisher's Preface

In our day, there are few topics that arouse more emotion than the subject of marriage. Between the social impacts of marriage laws, the emotional impacts on families when marriages struggle, and the unhealthy messages about marriage celebrated through popular culture, much of the world seems to be in a state of confusion where marriage is concerned. Against those messages, Deseret Book Company is pleased to offer this updated paperback edition of Covenant Hearts including a new foreword by Alan Hawkins of the BYU School of Family Life and a new subtitle that we feel more accurately reflects the books content: Why Marriage Matters and How to Make It Last.

During a day when many voices would say marriage is no longer truly relevant or important, we echo the voices of truth that declare the sacredness of marriage covenants and the critical nature of healthy marriages for society as part of Gods plan for His children.

Publishing Division

Deseret Book Company

July 2013

Foreword

Foreward

On most Wednesday evenings I teach a one-hour class at the local district courthouse with forty to fifty individuals who are nearing the end of the legal process to terminate their marriages. Utah state law requires divorcing parents with minor children to attend a divorce orientation class before finalizing their divorce. Sometimes spouses attend together. Occasionally during the class, I see a wife resting her head on her soon-to-be-ex-husbands shoulder, with his arm draped around her, or a husband with a forlorn look on his face softly reaching for his wifes hand, sensing, it seems to me, that such touching will soon be gone. Im no longer surprised by such scenes.

The class is a legislated experience in full disclosure; its purpose is to make sure individuals have thought carefully about the path forward and know where that road is likely to take them and their children. As the instructor, I talk to them straightforwardly about the research documenting that children who experience their parents divorce are at two to three times the risk for a wide array of academic, social, and behavioral problems; they are at much greater risk for poverty. And while I acknowledge the reality that many divorces are necessary and even preserve the moral boundaries of marriage, I also share with them a number of strands of relevant research: that most troubled marriages become happy again for those who are patient; that half of divorces come from low-conflict marriages with problems that often can be resolved if two people are committed to working on them; that perhaps a quarter of divorced individuals express regrets about their decision to divorce; and that divorce is an unreliable path to happiness. I take some encouragement from the small proportion who indicate on class evaluation forms that they want to consider working harder to save their marriage. Of course, I also share with them recommended resources for repairing relationships for those who harbor hope for reconciliation.

Because it is a state-mandated secular class, I cant include Covenant Hearts by Elder Bruce C. Hafen as one of those recommended resources, though I suspect most participants are Latter-day Saints. But on most Sunday mornings as my wife and I teach the Marriage and Family Relations Sunday School class in our ward, the principles and perspectives of this insightful book enrich my teaching of the sacred truths about marriage presented in the lessons. I admit that I enjoy teaching my Sunday School class more than my Wednesday night community class. The class in my ward is usually brimming with young married couples covenant hearts rather than the broken hearts of individuals whose marital dreams of forever are slipping away. I try to help my Sunday School couples deepen their understanding of what a covenant marriage is so that none of them ever needs to attend my Wednesday night class.

Although there are more smiles, laughs, and tender touches in my Sunday morning classes, this does not mean that our lessons are lighthearted and carefree. Indeed, as Elder Hafen shows us in each chapter of Covenant Hearts we learn that we must observe our covenants by sacrifice, be afflicted in each others afflictions, and carry one anothers burdens. Those reading Covenant Hearts only to gain a few helpful tips for living happily ever after may be discouraged at first. Elder Hafen does not varnish over the truth that the immediate purpose of a covenant marriage is not simply personal happiness but also eternal growth, a growth that brings with it lasting and greater joy and peace. The problems we experience in our marriages are not relational glitches to be fixed so much as they are natural experiences to be used to achieve the highest divine purposes of marriage and mold us into the image of our Heavenly Parents.

But while Covenant Hearts is not an idiots guide to fixing all our marital problems, it is still imminently practical. The first step to solving our problems is to understand why they exist and why we need the burdens, bonds, afflictions, and sacrifices that come with our marital covenants and are an integral part of Gods plan for our eternal destiny. A careful reading of each chapter will provide faithful spouses with the perspectives they need to weather their challenges and the sacred gospel principles to guide their daily efforts to live according to their covenants.

At least it has for me. As a part of my professional teaching and research activities, I have probably read dozens of scholarly books and hundreds of academic articles on understanding and improving romantic relationships. Ive read my share of practical how-to books too, some directed to LDS audiences. I recommend some to those starting out in marriage and those struggling to hold theirs together. But none has had as measurable a positive effect on my own marriage as