Mary Faulkner - Easy Does It Dating Guide: For People in Recovery

Chapter One Clean-and-Sober Dating:
The Ultimate Reality Show

Chapter Four Boundaries: Were Not Talking
County Line

Chapter Six Into Action: Where to Go and
What to Do

Appendix C: The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics
Anonymous

My deepest gratitude is to the founders of Alcoholic Anonymous for the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions that are the foundation of this book. Likewise, many thanks to the community of recovering people all over the world whose wit and wisdom are sprinkled throughout these pages. Over the years I have had the opportunity to hear many peoples stories and be a part of their healing process. I am constantly amazed at the luminosity of the human spirit and the total adaptability of Twelve Step principles to all lifes challenges.

I am grateful to pioneers Melody Beattie, John Bradshaw, Anne Wilson Schaef, Pia Mellody, Terence Gorski, Patrick Carnes, Robin Norwood, and others who have unraveled many of the mysteries around addictionputting names on family-of-origin issues, introducing us to our inner child, and freeing us from codependency. Their work continues to teach, inform, and heal. Without their work, this book would not be possible.

Im grateful to many people who have directly been a part of this bookmy agent, Linda Roghaar, my editor, Karen Chernyaev, Theo Gund for her encouragement, and Hazelden for publishing this work.

In respect of the tradition of anonymity, and just because it would be impossible to name everyone involved, Id like to extend my gratitude to all who have dared to step out of the mainstream and try a different way of living!

The Easy Does It Dating Guide is for men and women of all ages in recovery from any and all addictive substances or behaviors. Suggestions apply to male and female dating as well as same-sex relationships (the use of he and she is alternated throughout the text and readers are encouraged to adjust pronouns appropriately). The book takes you through preparing to date, dating, selecting a partner, and moving from dating to relatingapplying recovery principles to each stage of the process. When the book mentions program, Steps, or Traditions, it is specifically referring to Twelve Step recovery programs as described in the books and literature produced by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., in New York.

The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, as well as the folk wisdom that circulates throughout the recovering community, has much to teach us about the nature of relationshipswhether between friends, lovers, or married partners. Hopefully the Easy Does It Dating Guide will begin the process of applying recovery theory to your desire to date, relate, and mate in a healthy way. As you read this book, remember that the model of healthy dating presented here is the ideal. We rally around the flag of progress not perfection, so read the material, talk about it with friends and sponsors, and give yourself plenty of time to learn and grow.

Chapter One

• Would I recognize a healthy date if I saw one?
• Does addiction leave a mark on my permanent record?
• What about sport dating?
• Relationship hell: dating traps you can avoid.

Definition of dating:a social or romantic engagement with another person

Definition of dating in recovery:a subject that makes the blood run cold

The subject of dating is practically taboo in many recovery circlesdodged with the vigor reserved for sidestepping a cobra. If you dont believe it, just mention relationship during an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting and eyes roll, heads drop, and the groaning begins. Whats being expressed depends on whom you ask. No doubt some in the room are recalling their last failed attempt, and others are afraid of trying; neither group wants to be reminded of the situation, wishing the whole topic would just go away. Beneath all the grumbling and foot shuffling is the fact that most folks in recovery are struggling with the whole business of relationships, including dating, intimacy, and commitment. The majority have little to draw on by way of healthy examples or experiences, yet the hope for that always-elusive good relationship doesnt go away.

What is true for recovering people might well be true among the general population as well. One has only to look at the explosion of dating services as well as the divorce rate to see that most people havent discovered the magic formula for successful relationshipsyet we all keep trying. Ever since Adam and Eve donned fig leaves and hiked out of paradise, weve been following in their footsteps. The urge for together-ing can be about anything from keeping the human race going to keeping our feet warm on a cold night. Either way, youd think by now we would have gotten better at itbut regardless, we keep hoping. Why? The desire to form an intimate and lasting tie with another human being is a reasonable expectation.

In addition to the challenges almost everyone faces in dating and relating, people recovering from addiction have a couple of particular dragons to slay, making clean-and-sober dating seem like the ultimate reality show. Dating in recovery has been compared to playing football without gear, running barefoot over sharp rocks, and having dental work without the benefit of painkillers. It can be the great escape, bounce you back into relapse, or trigger a new addiction.