Mikki Morrissette - Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Womans Guide

Copyright 2008 by Mikki Morrissette
Originally published by Be-Mondo Publishing, 2005

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Choice Mom is a registered trademark of Mikki Morrissette.

For information about permission to reproduce selections from
this book, write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Company,
215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003.

www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Databreak/>Morrissette, Mikki.
Choosing single motherhood : the thinking woman's
guide / Mikki Morrissette.
p. cm.
"Originally published by Be-Mondo Publishing, 2005."
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-618-83332-0
1. Single mothers. I. Title.
HQ 759.915. M 673 2008 649'.1'0243dc22 2008009394

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

BOOK DESIGN BY VICTORIA HARTMAN

EB-L 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Visit choosingsinglemotherhood.com for more about this book and
its author. Visit choicemoms.org for up-to-date information, resources,
and many innovative tools specially created for the Choice Mom
community. Note: At the request of certain interviewees, the following
names appearing in this book are pseudonyms: Vanessa, Dora,
Sara, Beth, Morgan, Max, Ted, and Greg.

THIS BOOK PRESENTS THE RESEARCH AND IDEAS OF THE AUTHOR.
IF A READER REQUIRES PERSONAL ADVICE, SHE SHOULD CONSULT
A COMPETENT PROFESSIONAL. THE AUTHOR AND PUBLISHER DIS-
CLAIM LIABILITY FOR ANY ADVERSE EFFECTS RESULTING DIRECTLY
OR INDIRECTLY FROM INFORMATION CONTAINED IN THIS BOOK.

Dedicated to
Sophia and Dylan
who make everything
possible

As with my two children, I am solely responsibly for creating, fine-tuning, and delivering this labor of love to the wider worldyet I could not have done it alone. There are so many people who enabled this book to happen, starting with my agent, Theresa Park, who encouraged me to pursue the idea over a year-long development process and then made sure it got into the hands of the editor Jane Rosenman at Houghton Mifflin ... the designer Mary Leir, who has given a tremendous amount of invaluable time helping me create an online community for Choice Moms ... my parents (and various child-care providers) for giving me the child-free time to write ... Sophia and Dylan for finding ways to amuse themselves as I pressed forward.

In a book with so many different sources, covering so much territory, it is impossible to list every one of the resources that helped to educate me. But I would like to single out a few of the therapists, child experts, and social scientists who offered time for consultation and chapter reviews. I am particularly grateful to Richard Weissbourd for his thoughtful critiques, to Stephanie Coontz for her inspiration, to Kyle Pruett for his balanced advice, and to Michael Gurian for his spiritual wisdom. Elaine Gordon, Joann Paley Galst, Diana Greenwald, Carole Lieber Wilkins, Lois Gilman, Amanda Baden, and Charlotte Patterson gave me helpful insight during the process. Andrew Vorzimer, Jody DeSmidt, and Ami Jaeger offered time for legal discussion. And the wonderful resources provided by the Donor Conception Network and Diane Allen of Infertility Network were invaluable.

Most of all, I am in debt to every single woman who shared her story with meon the record, off the record, anonymously, or for attribution. Starting with Jane Mattes, the founder of Single Mothers by Choice ... including Wendy Kramer, the cofounder, with her son, of the Donor Sibling Registry ... and ending with the single women who offered to review chapters, in order to keep me focused on answering the right questions in an effective way. Especially Renai Gallagher, who was as generous with her feedback as a good friend.

When I was a little girl, I spent more time playing tag and shooting baskets than taking care of dolls. In junior high school I was more interested in starting a school newspaper and doing "roots" research than in cooking and sewing classes; I consistently earned my lowest grades in home economics.

In high school I launched another school newspaper and worked as a sports reporter at the community paper. I did very little babysitting. My best friend was a gay male, and I generally spent my weekends four-wheeling and playing poker with seven guy pals. I had my share of swooning over dark-haired boys with slight builds, but I dated only two boys and had no desire to attend prom.

In college, I still had primarily platonic male friends. I became sports editor of the University of Minnesota newspaper, worked in the press box at Minnesota North Stars hockey games, sometimes wrote about the team for the Associated Press, and dabbled in sports broadcasting.

In sum, I tended to be a tomboy, with no daydreams of marriage and children and domestic life. My dream instead was to work in magazine journalism, so I moved to New York City when I was 22. I had one acquaintance theresomeone I'd met when he was covering a swim meet for Sports Illustrated during my in ternship with U.S. Olympic Swimming. When I was 25, we married. Seven years later we divorced. At 36, after dabbling in dating and falling in love once, I met someone who would enable me to fulfill my new dream, the one that had started growing in me about becoming a single mom. My daughter, Sophie, was born in 1999.

A few years later I decided Sophie should have a sibling. The same donor was used. When I was five months pregnant I met Dave, my future husband. He and Sophie were in the delivery room when my son, Dylan, was born in 2004. Ten months later, Dave and I married.

Maybe my story isn't typical, but one thing I've learned as a journalist is that no story is typical. I personally know the stories of more than 300 single women who have decided, generally in their thirties and forties, whether, when, and how to become a mother. I have largely met an incredible group of intelligent, professional, and emotionally together women.

Some of these women are "Thinkers"the term used by Jane Mattes, founder of the Single Mothers by Choice organization, to describe women considering single motherhood. Some are "Tryers," and have taken steps to conceive or adopt. And many are "Choice Moms"my term, used throughout this book, for women who consciously and responsibly choose single motherhood after asking serious questions about what the lifestyle means, for self and child.

I define a Choice Mom as someone who proactively seeks to become a nurturing mother on her own.

In my case, ironically, I didn't give a lot of serious thought to Choice Motherhood before I jumped in. It simply seemed the logical next step for me. I had a high-paying job in magazine publishing. I owned my New York City apartment, debt-free thanks to some good early real estate investments. I'd done extensive travel and didn't feel that there was any interest I hadn't already pursued except onethe long-term commitment of motherhood.

At the time, although this was 1998, I didn't know anyone who had chosen single motherhood on purpose. The concept had vaguely been planted during the hoopla that surrounded the Dan Quayle/Murphy Brown social debate of the early 1990s. I simply knew that my independence and fairly recent divorce didn't make me marriage material anytime soon. Dating a divorced father of one had made me realize, in my midthirties, that I did (to my surprise) deeply want to be a parent. So, being goal-driven as I am, I set out to make it happen.

Like me, many of the women I have talked to have been passionate about professional goals and hobbies, but not about datingand realize that the time is right to throw themselves into motherhood. Others are serial daters who have not yet found anyone they want to have a child with. Some are lesbians with no intention of marrying. Others are open to the idea of wedded bliss, somedayjust not in time to satisfy their urge for a child. Some accidentally conceive, and realize maybe it had subconsciously been their goal. Others are simply taken by surprise when it happens, and then dedicate themselves to becoming the best parents they can be.