Jane Mattes - Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood

For any woman who is considering the joys and responsibilities of single motherhood, this book is invaluable. It should empower single women to examine their options realistically and arrive at a reasonable decision. It doesnt proselytize and it doesnt judge; it is, in the best sense of the word, a true guide.

Dr. Harvey Asch, director of pediatric psychology at New York Medical College

As a single mother by choice, I found this book to be invaluable in the thought-provoking advice it provides and the stories of other single mothers that are shared in it. As a professor of psychology, I found the book a well-written and insightful discussion of the option of single parenthood.

Dr. Susan Anderson, University of South Alabama

As a single mother, I am delighted we have a book that can help dispel our doubts and answer our questionseven those we may not have considered yet, but will need to. Ms. Mattes book treats the subject thoroughly and seriously without being preachy and judgmental or stiff and formal.

Reading this book is like talking with a very good friend. I recommend it for every woman who is either thinking about or already is a single mother.

Carol Bainbridge, Indiana University Northwest

Copyright 1994, 1997 by Jane Mattes

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by Three Rivers Press, New York, New York.
Member of the Crown Publishing Group.

Random House, Inc. New York, Toronto, London, Sydney, Auckland
www.randomhouse.com

THREE RIVERS PRESS is a registered trademark and the Three Rivers Press colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Originally published by Times Books in 1994 and 1997.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Mattes, Jane.
Single mothers by choice / by Jane Mattes.1st ed.
1. Unmarried mothersUnited StatesCase studies. 2. Single mothersUnited StatesCase studies. 3. Single Mothers by Choice (Organization). I. Title.
HQ759.45.M37 1994 306.856dc20 94-13460

eISBN: 978-0-307-83131-6

v3.1

This book is dedicated to my son, Eric.

This book could not have been written at all without the help of the many, many wonderful members of Single Mothers by Choice, who were willing to discuss their innermost thoughts and their doubts, fears, and triumphs about single motherhood. To all these womenthank you for having been courageous and open enough to explore your own feelings, and then to share them with me.

My agent, Leslie Breed, was committed to and pursued this project with unrelenting dedication and enthusiasm, and I thank her for her unwavering faith in the value of the book.

Susanna Porter, my editor at Times Books, was a pleasure to work with and consistently gave me inspiration and support. Her suggestions were always made with great respect and sensitivity, which helped make the editing process a real pleasure.

A big thank-you to my mother, Hilda Mattes, who, with never-ending devotion, was always available to help me care for my son, and who has been there with love and patience for us through thick and thin.

My son, Eric, of course, made all this possible, and I am especially grateful to have been fortunate enough to be his mother. But he deserves special thanks for his amazing patience and understanding during the seemingly endless hours I had to spend at the computer while working on this book.

Longtime friends Ann and Ira Bindman gave of themselves with enormous generosity of spiritway above and beyond the call of friendshipfor which I am very grateful.

Attorney Rebecca Rawson was kind enough to read the manuscript from the legal point of view. Her comments invariably were both helpful and supportive. And Andrea Troy, adoption specialist, made invaluable contributions to the chapter on single-parent adoption.

Thanks also go to Dr. Chaim Shatan and Dr. Arthur Robbins, both of whom encouraged me to follow my own path and helped me find the courage to do so. Similarly, many friends and colleagues listened to and nurtured me as I went through the lengthy process of writing this bookespecially Susan Berlin and Susan Anderson and the groupDiane, Fred, Joel, Judy, Lois, Mary, Nancy, and Rick.

SMC (Single Mothers by Choice) is on the Internet! Information about our services, as well as some articles from past issues of our newsletter, can be found at www.singlemothersbychoice.com.

SMC also has a private listserv for our members so we can provide virtual support to one another via e-mail.

Lastly, we now have a Sibling Registry available so parents can register children conceived through donor insemination and learn if there are any half-siblings (children of the same donor) registered with us. If we have mutual consent, we will notify the parents when we find a match.

When I first decided that I would have a baby as a single woman, I was so nervous about my decision that I had nightmares in which outraged people threw stones at me. In my slightly more realistic moments I simply feared that my career as a psychotherapist would be ruined and that I would be ousted by the psychoanalytic society at which I had trained; that my family would disown me or refuse to have anything to do with my child and me; and that my friends would refuse to support or help me and would respond to my times of distress by saying that I had chosen to do this alone and I had no right to expect help from anyone.

My guilt was palpable. I was doing something that I considered forbidden and I felt I would be lucky to escape with only minor injuriesemotional, if not physical. I had been raised in a traditional family in which the predominant value system was What will people think? and I had always assumed that I would have to be married in order to have a baby. As a matter of fact, my first professional job after receiving my masters degree in social work was at a residence for unwed mothers, a place where unmarried teen-aged girls were sent to hide their pregnancies (in order to spare themselves and their families the shame of exposure) prior to giving up their babies to married couples for adoption. This was in 1966.

Could I now, in 1979, turn around and do exactly what I had always thought to be unacceptable? Well, as it turned out, I could. And I did. I was thirty-six, I had established a thriving private practice in psychotherapy, I was the director of a psychotherapy clinic, and I was teaching and supervising at a training instituteI had accomplished just about all of my professional goals. However, I had not been able to find a suitable life partner and I realized that I did not have much time left in which to start a family.

Thinking that I could get married at any age, I decided to postpone the search for a husband and look into adopting a baby first. To my surprise, when I told friends and family about my plan, they all urged me to try to conceive rather than adopt. I wasnt sure that I would feel comfortable in the role of unmarried mother, but while looking into various adoption resources I accidentally conceived with a lover whom I had known for several yearsand my ambivalence disappeared. I dont know if it was the effect of the hormones or if I had really wanted this all along and hadnt been quite able to admit it to myself, but I was totally thrilled.