Jacinta Tynan - The Single Mothers Social Club: Inspiration and Advice on Embracing Single Parenthood

From the outside, it all looks the same. We still live in the same temporary apartment where we moved when we first left our family home, when I began my life as a single mother. Our code of conduct is still stuck on the stainless steel fridge, buried but not forgotten beneath a mountain of merit awards and other such passages of time. Jaspers acrostic THINK list remains on the back of the front door, faded but legible. The angel wings that my mum gave me when we moved in to watch over us still hang on my bedroom wall.

So little has changed. But also, so much has changed. Both my boys can read and write and do long division. They can shower themselves and tie their own shoelaces (thanks to their uncle). I can no longer carry them up the stairs. New friends have been made and countless fierce rounds of Uno and Trouble have gone down on our lounge-room floor. They can both crack eggs and use the blender. We three have danced and cried and rumbled and got back up again after weve fallen, a great swathe of my boys childhoods played out between these borrowed walls.

I have grown up, too. I needed to. I arrived here lost and a bit broken. Not that I knew it. I fashioned myself as the fierce lioness protecting my cubs, taking a heroic stance a leap of faith for the good of us all. I assumed moving out and moving on was the final chapter and all that was left to do was to get on with our new life. In reality, it was just the start.

I had to crash and burn before I could rise again. I had abandoned myself so fully for so long, kept myself so tightly coiled that there needed to be an unravelling before I could recall who I was. I had to suffer properly, surrender fully and be cast adrift so I would know what its like to have nowhere to turn, to be backed against a wall and be forced to find solace solely within myself. Im glad I didnt know this back then or I might not have braved it. And I needed to brave it. Not just for me, but because my boys need me. The best of me.

The changes are small, unnoticeable to anyone but me. Because Im the only one who knows where Ive come from.

Can I play a song? Jasper asks. He syncs Spotify from his iPad to the speaker I gave him for his tenth birthday and blasts A Million Dreams through our apartment. There are sausages on the grill and school shirts on the line with the weather app showing rain and Otis needs help with his ghost towns project. I might have once demanded that they turn the music down. But I dont. Not this time. I recognise that this cacophony in all its suburban mayhem is a precious moment that will slip by if I dont pay attention. I turn the stove off, leave the kitchen and dance. Feigning embarrassment at first, Jasper eventually joins in, then Otis. We three bounce about, making a memory instead of an altercation.

Thats whats new: my ability to choose. Again. And again. I can choose to dance. And I can choose to be hopeful, proud, at peace. To be cool with chaos. To see how far weve come while looking to our unmapped future and being thrilled by it.

I spot a post on a single mother Facebook forum: a photo of a wooden cubbyhouse with steps. I built this today, all by myself with no help from absolutely anyone, the caption read. Single mum, 4 boys. Building cubbyhouses is one thing. And then theres rebuilding ourselves.

Single mothers have got this down pat, too. First destruction, then a reset and now creation. No matter what brought us here, we get to create something else. To imagine it, then choose it. We do this by refusing to settle for good enough and instead riding the trajectory of our authentic vision. Of our truth. We have the opportunity to start again with our children as our witnesses, holding us to account in our evolution. For their sakes if not our own we must locate the greatness within ourselves. To once again become vibrant and aware, curious and wholehearted. Sink into genuine joy. Be who we were always meant to be. Build a beautiful life.

My boys have no idea of the transformation thats taken place in their honour, and nor should they. So long as they feel held and free to be kids.

I would like to deliver more. A bath, for starters. And a puppy. Until then, Im happy so long as they come to know that their mother is more than enough to carry them through. In case they havent worked that out already.

BOOKS

Divorce and Separation

Aftermath: On Marriage and Separation, by Rachel Cusk

Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimists Journey Through the Hell of Divorce, by Stacy Morrison

How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed: A Memoir of Starting Over, by Theo Pauline Nestor

The Hungover Games, by Sophie Heawood

Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life, by Debbie Ford

Split: A Memoir of Divorce, by Suzanne Finnamore

Empowerment

Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender, by David R. Hawkins

The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle

The Universe Has Your Back, by Gabrielle Bernstein

Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living, by Glennon Doyle

The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself, by Michael A. Singer

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, by Pema Chdrn

Parenting

The Conscious Parent, by Shefali Tsabary

From Boys to Men: Guiding Our Teen Boys to Grow into Happy, Healthy Men, by Maggie Dent

No-Drama Discipline, by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Whats Happening to Our Girls?, by Maggie Hamilton

The Whole-Brain Child, by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Money

The Barefoot Investor: The Only Money Guide Youll Ever Need, by Scott Pape

Mindful Money: A Real Guide to Building and Managing Financial Independence in a Busy World, by Canna Campbell

Money: A Love Story, by Kate Northrup

Money, and the Law of Attraction: Learning to Attract Wealth, Health, and Happiness, by Esther and Jerry Hicks

The Soul of Money: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Life, by Lynne Twist

For Kids

Blueback, by Tim Winton (ages 612)

Its Not the End of the World, by Judy Blume (ages 813)

Just the Way We Are, by Jessica Shirvington and Claire Robertson (ages 25)

Kisses in Your Heart, by Sonia Bestulic (ages 3+)

Mum and Dad Glue, by Kes Gray (ages 35)

My Super Single Mum, by Bronwen Fallens (ages 27)

The Suitcase Kid, by Jacqueline Wilson (ages 914)

Two Homes, by Claire Masurel (ages 35)

Was It the Chocolate Pudding? A Story for Little Kids About Divorce, by Sandra Levins and Bryan Langdo (ages 26)

For Kids of Single Mothers by Choice

Happy Together: A Single Mother by Choice Story, by Julie Marie

The Pea That Was Me: A Single Moms Sperm Donation Story, by Kimberly Kluger-Bell

The Special Two: An Enchanting and Heart-Warming Tale of How a Precious Boy Came Into the World, by Sarah Kissane

Why Dont I Have a Daddy?: A Story of Donor Conception, by George Anne Clay

Empowerment for Kids

Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls, by Elena Favilli, Francesca Cavallo

I Think, I Am!, by Louise Hay and Kristina Tracy

Kids Who Did: Real Kids Who Ruled, Rebelled, Survived and Thrived, by Kirsty Murray

Stories for Boys Who Dare to be Different, by Ben Brooks

Stories for Kids Who Dare to be Different, by Ben Brooks

WEBSITES

Support, Inspiration and Life Coaching

beanstalkmums.com.au

champagnecartel.com

divorceandseparationhub.com

lisacorduff.com

powerful-steps.com

prudencehenschke.com

singlemothersurvivalguide.com