Kathleen Turner - Send Yourself Roses: Thoughts on My Life, Love, and Leading Roles

Copyright 2007 by Kathleen Turner and Gloria Feldt

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Springboard Press

Hachette Book Group USA

237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroupUSA.com

First eBook Edition: February 2008

ISBN: 978-0-446-51132-2

The Best Role Is Always Ahead

I am fucking exhausted. Wonderfully, joyfully exhausted, and filled with such extraordinary happiness and gratitude.

Those were my feelings after the two closing London performances of Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf? on May 13, 2006.

People ask, How can you do thattwo grueling three-and-a-half-hour performances one right after the other? The four of us actorsBill Irwin as George, Mireille Enos as Honey, David Harbour as Nick, and me as Marthajoked that its actually one six-act play on days when there are two shows, since were all on stage during most of the show. I liken the energy and the skill this takes to being an Olympic athlete. Which is quite a feat for someone whose feet have sacrificed most of their toe bones to rheumatoid arthritis. Thats why I padded around the stage in those funny soft little slippers.

I never feel tired when Im onstage. Offstage before and after, I wonder how the hell I did it. But onstage, it just doesnt happen. The exhaustion doesnt hit me until the very, very end when I, or rather Martha, is on the floor and George asks, Are you all right? and Martha says, Yes... No. Then I can allow myself to feel the body pains, to feel the mental pain, to feel the heart pain, of the character.

Theres a moment in the curtain call after weve all taken the first bow together. Bill and I step back and Mireille and David take their bow. Then Bill and I step forward to take ours. The sound crescendos; it comes in this huge wave. It feels as though it pushes me back physically. Its such an amazing feeling that it takes my breath away. And I just start to beam. I feel so grateful, so grateful, to us, to them, to me, to God, that we have this incredible experience in our lives. All of us: the audience, cast, and crew. Even the criticseveryone says its the first time the London theater critics have all agreed and given rave reviews to any play. The audiences jumped; they were on their feet applauding us almost every night. It has been a tremendous, absolutely amazing reward for the effort we have all put out and, yes, somewhat of a redemption for me.

I look out at the audience and return the waves of their love and appreciation with a full heart.

When I first read this play in college, I knew I wanted to play Martha someday. I was thrilled by Marthas recklessness, how she has no thought of consequences. Like the way she slices through George, contrasting his inadequacies in sharpest detail to her own necessary greater strength. Shes dangerous as hell but also very exciting and rather endearing.

Or at least I was convinced I could make her endearing. Even back then, I was sure I had the skill to make audiences love the characters I played. Heavens, I was twenty, and I believed I could do anything and that Martha would be a fitting challenge for me when I turned fifty. I always kept this idea in my mind.

Fearlessness at twenty springs from not knowing what challenges lie ahead. Fearlessness at fifty comes from having wrestled with lifes challenges and learned from them.

Many challenges good and bad, steps Ive deliberately planned or opportunistically seized, choices Ive made, risks Ive taken, came between the idea and the reality of playing Martha. Each of them helped to form me, to teach me, to prepare me.

People say to me all the time, Oh, youre such a regular person. And I wonder, As opposed to what? An artificial construct?

Just before I left New York for the London run of Virginia, this book startedas many good things doover tamales, jicama salad, and a margarita (light salt) at Zarela, a favorite Mexican restaurant. Gloria, who has been a good friend since we worked together at Planned Parenthood Federation of Americashe as its president and CEO and I as chair of its Board of Advocatessaid she wanted to write my biography. She told me I had a lot to say. I was rather embarrassed at first by the thought of that much emphasis on myself. It seemed too egotistical.

Then I thought about something Id heard, that the object of our lives is the growth of our souls. And I feel that my soul is finally in a place where I can contribute. This particular moment in my life is a good time to take stock of all that. So I said I would like to be the practical, regular person that I am, and share my life lessons that might be of service to others. Finally we both figured out that I couldnt share my lessons very well without telling my story too.

I feel about this book like I feel about my acting roles. Send Yourself Roses is my truth as I see it. But every story has many truths. Take from mine whatever you will.

I do have stories to tell, and I believe in the power of sharing them. Many come from my film and stage work. Ill explore how my roles have broken new ground for women, how theyve spanned sexuality from a femme fatale to a woman playing a man playing a woman. I want to share my passion for service. And Ive had personal tragedies, rocky relationships, out-of-control drinking, and snarky critics to contend with. Ive come back against all odds from a debilitating illness and being told Id be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, to which I said, Go fuck yourself. Ive experienced the joy of motherhood and the sadness of infertility, a happy marriage that eventually became a necessary separation. Ive learned from it all.

But what you know isnt enough, babe: what counts is how you use it going forward.

I like where I am now and what I have achieved. Im doing the best work of my life. I can see all that has come before: the obstacles overcome, the risks Ive taken, the choices Ive made, the great, great opportunities Ive had, and the lessons about life, love, and leading roles that these experiences have taught me.

I dont want to be twenty again. Im having that creative surge women often get when we pass fifty. I feel at the top of my personal and professional life.

So Ill take it from the top. Not the beginning, but now, smack in the middle of my life, or so I expect, since the women in my family have good longevity. Its the perfect vantage point to look back at what Ive done so far and to look forward to see exciting possibilities I might create for my futureand those that might come my way.

I gave myself a special treat the day after Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf? closed in London. I checked into the Lanesborough. Its a beautiful spa hotel, with wonderful service, near Hyde Park. I booked a facial and a massage in my room. I went to the hotel, washed my face, put on a robe, and that was it for the rest of the night. I didnt go back out; I didnt put on makeup or get dressed again. I watched a movie, had dinner in the room, read a book.

I melted into the bed. Maybe the exhaustion sharpened my perceptions because I felt so vulnerable to my feelings. They poured out of me, as though Id removed my skin with my stage makeup.

I feel different, better, about my personal life as well as my professional life. So much confidence comes simply because I have reached this very good age. Women my age today are forging new ground. Society stops defining us by our reproductive capacity, sexual attractiveness, or other traditional measures, so we become liberated from stereotype. We are freed to grow into our full selves.