Joy Behar - When You Need a Lift: But Dont Want to Eat Chocolate, Pay a Shrink, or Drink a Bottle of Gin

Contents

Introduction

Joy Behar

Just reading the front page of the newspaper these days is enough to put even the relentlessly cheerful von Trapp family into a serious state of melancholy. Maybe the world has always been riddled with disasters and misery, but that doesnt mean that I cant enjoy a double mocha latte with whipped cream. Too fattening, you say. I agree. Its getting more and more difficult to eat my way out of my mood swings.

When I was a child, my mother would get into a funk over things that I didnt understand, but I noticed that she could always snap herself out of it by putting on an aria from Madama Butterfly. The next thing I knew, shed be singing along and having a wonderful time, even though she was crying for poor Butterfly. It was her way of cheering herself up. I realized then that it was up to me to monitor my ups and downs, and her opera collection.

These days, when the doldrums hit, I head for a department store. I find that loitering near the handbags has a calming effect on me. The smell of a Gucci bag is like a trip to Siena in June.

My second-favorite mood elevator is a manicure and pedicure, with a neck massage thrown in. Lately, Ive discovered that the little nail salons that are popping up all over the city where I live offer a reflexology treatment between pedicures. I think Ill just move into one these shops.

If all else fails, I get on the phone with my girlfriends and start marathon blabbing. After two or three hours of nonstop analysis of our issues, I feel completely liberated from any threat of the blues.

In the spirit of group participation, Ive asked a hundred and one of my friends, associates, and role models what they do when theyre feeling down. Im happy to say that their responses have been as varied and helpful as they have been interesting and original.

This is not a how-to book. I dont like how-to books. Just because Dr. So-and-So does it one way does not mean that Im going to want to do it that way. I like to get a variety of answers on the big questions in life. Sigmund Freud was smart and probably right about a lot of things, but penis envy? I dont think so.

So, when youre in the doldrums and a hot fudge sundae isnt doing it for you, check out this book. Not everyones ideas will appeal to you. If repeating a mantra makes you anxious, dont meditate. Personally, I find fishing tedious, but if thats your hook, go for it.

And by all means, stay away from anything that Sylvia Plath wrote.

A

Patch Adams

In this world, I think a person can choose who he or she wishes to be, becoming a composition of intentions. Deciding to be happy, I only had to determine the ideal performance to forward my intentions, then notice the resulting consequences. I left living in a syntax of because (because Im too old, I have cancer, of what my father did, Im shy, etc.) and switched to a syntax of so that (I do thisso that my intention is put forward). It is what Buddhists call mindfulness, to be present and involved in making me.

The human world is so close to its own extinction that we dont have time to invest in feeling miserable; it is a self-centered act that stands in the way. Do for others in care, and your down day turns to bright sunshine. Throw away your tablets and be enchanting! Whee!

Patch Adams is a medical doctor, clown, performer, and social activist. In 1971, he founded the Gesundheit! Institute, a holistic medical community that has provided free medical care to thousands. He is the author of two books, Gesundheit! and House Calls, and is the subject of a major motion picture starring Robin Williams titled Patch Adams.

David A. Adler

Im a writer, so being tired or in a bad mood can mean Ill lose a days work. I have lots of deadlines, so I simply cannot afford bad moods. And, of course, theyre no fun.

Talking to friends always improves my mood. If I call you to talk, it could be that talking to you makes me feel good. I have also filled my office with things that cheer me: lots of books, family photographs, good-smelling citrus plants, and tapes of radio programs from the 1930s and 40syou know the ones, Fibber McGee and Molly, Lux Radio Theater, The Jack Benny Show, The Whistler, and The Bickersons. I also have several models of cars from my youth, a 1962 Chevy Bel Air (my first car), a 1950 Hudson, and a 1965 Pontiac GTO, among others. You wondered what child would want those toys. Well, Im that child! Whenever I buy a new toy, I tell myself its cheaper than a session with a psychologist or medication.

Just entering my office cheers me. Its my place. I think its great to have a happy space, and I feel fortunate that mine is where I spend many hours each day working.

David A. Adler is the author of more than two hundred books for young readers, including the Cam Jansen mysteries, the Picture Book Biography series, the Andy Russell books, and The Babe and I.

Brian W. Aldiss

There are many people I love, many I enjoy, many for whom I am grateful.

Nevertheless, I cannot but feel that humanity as a whole is a bit of a flop. We have overrun the planet like a form of pest and are busy ruining it. Even the permafrost in Siberia is melting.

All these things make one feel bad. And bad is what we should feel. Its not just a question of taking more dope or drinking more wine, though admittedly that helps. I cheer myself up by writing novels where the human race gets into fatal trouble.

Personally, I am sweet-natured. Many women love me, as I love many women. My table manners are good. And I am cheerful despite what I have said above. But if I really want to cheer myself up greatly and have a laugh, I think of the funniest, bitterest joke I ever heardtold to me by a Russian Jewish friend.

The joke goes like this. (Historically, it comes from the time when Poland was under Soviet domination. Polish jokes often take the form of riddles, as does this joke.)

Question: What stands on the corner of the street and does not kick people?

Answer: A Russian-made people-kicker.

If you cant laugh at that, you dont deserve to be happy!

Brian W. Aldiss is the author of many works of fiction, nonfiction, and poetry. He is most known for his celebrated works of science fiction, which have won several awards, including multiple Hugos and Nebulas. In 2005, Aldiss was awarded the title of Officer of the Order of the British Empire for services to literature.

Max Alexander

Im a comic. A once-in-a-blue-moon actor. A foodaholic. Ive a brother who killed two people. Am fifty-three and still single. Im not only down in the dumps, I got a condo on the beach with a panoramic view of the dumps. My name is actually on the rotary sign as you enter Dumpsville, right across the street from Our Lady of What the Hell Did I Do to Deserve This Crap High School.

Dont get me wrong. Im not making excuses. Just drawing a picture. Having some real drama in my life, Im just glad to have my health; some work (which I love to do); cash in my pocket; a great, greatdid I say great?brother (the rabbi, not the murderer, long story), Moshe, and his family; and last, but not least, a great friend and mentor, Jerry Lewis.