Sarah Maizes - Got Milf?: The Modern Moms Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking a Minivan

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Table of Contents

Sarah Maizes takes the Madonna/whore dichotomy and runs over it (and back over it) with her minivan. No matter what term for hot mom you have adopted as your own, this book will make you laugh and inspire you to enjoy where you are right now in your life.

Stephanie Dolgoff,
author of My Formerly Hot Life:
Dispatches from Just the Other Side of Young

Every mom has an inner MILF. This breakthrough book shows you how to get it out without major surgery.

Lenore Skenazy, author of the book and blog Free-Range Kids

Sarah Maizess pioneering study seems destined to revolutionize the field of MILFology.

David Javerbaum,
former head writer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,
coauthor of America (The Book)
and author of What to Expect When Youre Expected

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For Isabel, Olivia and Benjamin
who made me a mom...

For Scott
who made me a MILF

acknowledgments

I have so many people to thank for helping me write this bookhelp that came in so many forms: help writing the book, help selling the book, help editing the book. Help came in the form of playdates so I could write and finish edits, late-night e-mails containing completed questionnaires about schedules and sex habits (the two were not necessarily mutually exclusive...), and laughs, snickers and muffled giggles when presented with pieces of the book in draft form (my favorite type of help!).

First, I want to thank Scott Burn, my boyfriend (and the best friend I have EVER had), for asking me every day, Hows the book coming? and my kids, Izzy, Livi and Ben, for giving me something to write about (their words... and my moms) and for fixing their own snacks when I was writing.

I have to thank my Official MILF Board for sharing their wisdom with a candor only true MILFs could muster: Ilene Grossman, Debbie Farfel, Risa Kazdan, Laurey Levy, Wendy Marcus, Sharon Scott, Christina Simon, Tina Fuller Pomeranz, Jodi Galen, Azy Farahmand, Danielle Swartz, Wendy Globerman, Robin Davids, Camille Hunter, Stephanie Millstone, Apryl Krakovsky, Elizabeth Ford, Robin Maizes and my big sister and role model for all things MILFy (and otherwise), Alison Dinerstein.

Of course, I also have to thank my MILF punditsMichael Maizes, Stan Moger, Teo Hunter, Joey Plager, Michael Paraskevas, Tony Rago, Bob Bendick and the many other adorable men I forced to share their feelings.

I want to thank my ex-husband, Steven Maizes, for giving me three beautiful (and unwittingly hilarious) children; my wife and nanny, Cecelia Ixcot, for taking care of the kids when I couldnt do it all; Mari Renwick for her amazing artistic talents; and the gorgeous blond mom who sat next to me at the hair salon and used the phrase maximum f@#kability.

I also have to thank my mom, Margery Schab, for teaching me the importance of a sense of humor and for supporting my writing even though the job doesnt come with health insurance.

And I want to give a HUGE thank-you (and a MASSIVE kiss and hug) to my beautifully fashionable, intelligent and MILFy agent, Elisabeth Weed, for getting me. Her guidance, support and enthusiasm has released a genie that just wont go back in the bottle. And my beautiful, talented and incredibly tactful editor, Andie Avila, whose passion for all things MILFy (and belief that there is a MILF in all of us even before we have kids) made this book a reality.

introduction

The other day a young male friend called me a MILF.

Thanks? was all I could think to say since I wasnt entirely sure if I had been insulted or not. His tone was complimentary, but a MILF? Really? I felt a little dirty. Maybe Id heard him wrong. Maybe he needed a glass of milk. Yes... that was it. After all, he was still in his twenties. Practically a growing boy... Lets see whats in the fridge....

You dont know what a MILF is, do you?

Nope. He wasnt asking for milk. Yes, I know what a MILF is. It wasnt a total lie. I had a general idea....

Its a Mother Id Like to F@#k.

DUH!!! I knew I sounded like a high school girl, but he had caught me by surprise. I wasnt exactly sure what he was implying. If he thought I was going to have sex with him, he was very, very wrong.... That would change everything! After all, he was just a friend, and I had a boyfriend. Besides, he was really too young for me and...

He quickly backtracked. Im not saying I want to f@#k you; Im just saying youre a MILF.

Whew! Well, thats better, I said, pleased that crisis had been averted. (Okay, my ego quietly quipped, What the hell do you mean you dont want to f@#k me?? This forty-year-old baby-makin machine! You should be so lucky, you cocky little schmuck.... Hey, Im only human.)

Putting my ego aside, I tried to move on. I wasnt sure how a MILF would get past this awkward moment, so I did what came naturally. I offered him a slice of homemade chocolate cake and changed the topic of conversation. So... about those Jets...

Long after my friend left, his remark boinged around my skull like one of those Hi-Bounce rubber balls my son loves. I had been completely caught off guard by him calling me a MILF, and the fact hed had to spell it out for meand that DUH! had been my snappy comebackdidnt exactly fill me with pride.

Im hip. (Stop laughing....) I know a thing or two. Ive been around the block. And even if I havent been around a particular block, I at least like to give the impression that I havethat I know all the side streets and shortcuts. But I was completely unfamiliar with this neighborhood. It was like some exclusive gated community about which you always hear wild, sordid tales, but have never actually visited.

Of course Id heard the term MILF before, usually in connection with porn, but I had never been referred to as one. I knew enough to know the word referred to a mom who was really hotbut I imagined someone who washed her car wearing jean shorts, like in the Stacys Mom music video. I dont even own jean shorts. And if I did, I certainly wouldnt wash my car in them.

What exactly had he been thinking when hed called me a MILF? What sparked the comment? Did he think I slept around? Had he seen my thong sticking out of my pants? (I pride myself on being a vigilant thong tucker....) Maybe he just thought I was sexy. I mean, a guy could call a woman a MILF without having an agenda, right?... RIGHT?!

I wanted to know more about MILFs. Was calling someone a MILF rude or flattering? Had the term taken on new street meaninglike bad or fly? Was there some kind of MILF movement going on? And if I was indeed a MILF, were there more of us? Where would I find them? Was there a MILF union of some sort I could join, and if so, did they have dental?

I was determined to find out what exactly made a woman a MILF. Was a MILF a slut or a siren? More important, if someone called me a MILF and I simply smiled and said, Thank you, was I inviting him to put his hand on my boob? I was in virgin territory (which, needless to say, as a mother of three, I hadnt been in for a long time).

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