Sam Scholfield - Awkward.: What to Do When Life Makes You Cringe—A Survival Guide

WHAT TO DO
WHEN LIFE
MAKES YOU CRINGE

A SURVIVAL GUIDE BY

Sam Scholfield

ILLUSTRATED BY

Eliot Lucas

AWKWARD: What to Do When Life Makes You CringeA Survival Guide
Copyright Samantha L. Scholfield, 2011
Illustrations copyright Eliot Lucas, 2011

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no portion of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or information storage or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

The Experiment, LLC
260 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10001-6408
www.theexperimentpublishing.com

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and The Experiment was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been capitalized.

The Experiments books are available at special discounts when purchased in bulk for premiums and sales promotions as well as for fundraising or educational use. For details, contact us at info@theexperimentpublishing.com.

Names, locations, and other identifying details have been changed to protect the identities of individuals. Because names and places mentioned are fictional to protect actual identities, any relation to real people or places with those names is entirely coincidental.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
Scholfield, Samantha.
Awkward: what to do when life makes you cringe: a survival guide / by Sam Scholfield; illustrated by Eliot Lucas.
p. cm.
Summary: A humorous guide to dodging the social landmines that plague young adults at every turn: 24/7 social media, new work and living situations, tangled romances, big life decisions, and moreProvided by publisher.
ISBN 978-1-61519-038-6
1. Young adultsLife skills guides. 2. Young adultsConduct of life. 3. Young
adultsPsychology. 4. Young adultsSocial conditions. I. Title.
HQ799.5.S33 2011
155.659dc23
2011019596

ISBN 978-1-61519-038-6
Ebook ISBN 978-1-61519-140-6

Cover illustrations by Eliot Lucas
Text design by Pauline Neuwirth, Neuwirth & Associates, Inc.

Manufactured in the United States of America
Distributed by Workman Publishing Company, Inc.
First published July 2011

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

1.
Necessary Uncomfortable Conversations (NUCs)

(Like when you have to confront the person who gave you gonorrhea)

2.
Lying Fail

(Like when you go to a party with a date and run into the other two people youre dating)

3.
Sexual, Dating, and Romantic Mishaps

(Like when youre in bed with Jackie and you accidentally call her Melanie)

4.
When Champagne/Tequila/Beer Takes Over

(Like when you laugh too hard and beer-spray the bride)

5.
Miscommunication and Oh Shit! Moments

(Like when you run into the person you just dumped, in the grocery store an hour after it went down)

6.
Unfortunately Timed Bodily Functions

(Like when you fart during yoga)

7.
WTF?

(Like when you discover that your exs new significant other is your boss)

8.
Seriously Awkward

(Like when you catch a friend stealing money from your wallet)

I am a master of stumbling into the awkward, embarrassing, nervous-sweat- inducing, stomach-cramping, stutter-causing hot messes of life. So, like peanut butter on the roof of a dogs mouth, I latched onto the idea of compiling the best advice I could come across to get us out of all the awkward situations we find ourselves in.

Thats what this book is: a series of get-out-of-awkward-free cards, along with some agonizing OMFG-WTF-awkward anecdotes (most of them so cringeworthy, youll be stoked they didnt happen to you). As much for me as for anyone else, this is a book to enjoy (in that schadenfreudish way), reference (when necessary), and above all use to avoid clusterfucks of drama whenever possible.

For example, how do you handle the super-awkward second, third, and fourth run-ins with an acquaintance at a bookstore, when you have nothing left to say? Or learning that your exs new significant other is your boss? How do you backpedal out of saying I dont have a cat (in your get-kicked-out-for-having-a-pet building) when, as you speak the lie, it meows at deafening volume? And whats the best way to handle an extremely unfortunately timed fart, like when youre giving a presentationor having sex?

Becauseas my Mom used to tell mewere all special, unique flowers, I offer multiple escape-the-awkward options for each situation. So, whether youre being shy, confident, or deliciously amoral (like escaping a lie with another lie), whether youre jonesing to embrace your inner douchebag or to be mature, when the Awkward Monster comes a-calling, you can choose an escape plan accordingly.

Much of the advice in here comes from my own experiences doing exactly the wrong thing, giving me excellent firsthand knowledge of what not to do. I also include the best advice I could find over the past several years through researching what the experts say, good old-fashioned trial and error (meaning that Ive already made an ass of myself so you dont have to), and gathering what would you have done? answers from friends, acquaintances, and random talkative people in coffee shops, on airplanes, in line at the grocery store, and over drinks. The result is pretty solid advice on how to get through any awkward situation unscathed.

Its worth clarifying that while some things are horrifically awkward, theres a difference between that and awful. There are senseless, evil things in the world, and if youre talking about genocide, deadly natural disasters, or cancer, then stress over forgetting someones name doesnt register in comparison. That said, although truly awful things put the little stuff in perspective, its usually easy to see the stand-up thing to do when something awful comes up. The little things that sneak up on you (like when you ask someone when shes dueand shes not pregnant) can be challenging to handle on the fly, especially if youre trying to keep your dignity and everyones feelings intact. This book deals with the little stuff.

So, enjoy. Hopefully by the end youll be able to stab awkwardness in the face next time you get caught canoodling with your amour on your bosss desk. Happy potholed trails! identifiable when they do pop up, Ive included some fun icons that youll see throughout the following pages.)