Adam Dachis - The Awkward Human Survival Guide: How to Handle Lifes Most Uncomfortable Situations

You shouldnt take advice from a book, and that includes this one. Books dont know your life. Youre a unique and special person, and a bunch of text cant account for your specific situation. Of course, if you never take advice from a book, you cant put this opening paragraph into practice. Sorry, but we sort of created a paradox. This is awkward.

Lets try this again. You shouldnt take advice from a book, but you can use it as a set of guidelines. Not everything in these pages of embarrassing, uncomfortable situations will apply to you exactly. You can, however, read about some pretty dumb things weve encountered in our lives and the lives of our friends. Use this book as a reminder of the ways in which you can deal with a situation more easily, rather than as religious tome of unbreakable rules.

Advice is always easier said than done. Youll often find yourself in an awkward situation, knowing exactly what you should do but somehow unable to do it. Even when you know you should say something, youll stare at the person you should say it to, hoping youll die of natural causes before you have to speak. When a kiss comes your way, and you dont want it, you cant just stick your finger in your dates mouth to stop it instead of honestly confronting your lack of attraction. When you poop in your pants, you cant just sit there and hope the poop will be magically transported into space. You can resolve most awkward situations by confronting them bravely, but you cant just decide to be brave. This book provides infallible advice, but you cant execute advice like a computer program. You have to make mistakes, practice, and learn. Besides, life would be really boring if you did the right thing every time.

We wrote this book because we have a long, long history of screwing up. As youll discover, weve come to understand the meaning of awkward in ways youve probably never imagined. Weve formulated the advice in this book after lots of trial and error. And after enough time and practice, weve found that, whether or not you successfully execute the maneuvers we outline here, enough time and practice will turn your most uncomfortable moments into funny memories. You can wear them like a badge of honor, tell your friends a good story, and move on with your life. You decide whether awkwardness plays a debilitating role or a fun one.

Heres an example: when we moved in together, our apartment came with the dirtiest floors wed ever seen. The landlord sent someone to clean them, but he didnt do a very good job. We didnt want to pay for a professional housekeeper, so we decided to find a way to get it for free. After a little research on craigslist, we found out that several men like providing free housecleaning servicesso long as they get to do it in the nude. The average person would consider a nude cleaner extremely uncomfortable, but thanks to years of stepping out of our comfort zones and handling awkward situations we knew we could manage it. We posted a couple of ads, contacted a few people we found, and eventually settled on a 55-year-old gay man who wanted to clean for straight and bisexual men. A quick phone call set it up and days later he came and made our floors spotless. We dont know exactly what our nude cleaner got out of this experience, but he took pride in his workas he should. We were very impressed. Initially we wanted to keep this story to ourselves, but we started telling a few people and eventually it spread around the city. First wed end up at parties and people would ask us to share the experience. Later on, people would tell us the story not knowing where it originated. We couldve felt embarrassed and kept our nude cleaner a secret, but we had a lot more fun letting go of the awkwardness and putting it all out there.

Letting go doesnt come naturally. We didnt decide to just take a leap into the world of nude cleaning. We put ourselves through uncomfortable situations until they didnt feel uncomfortable anymore. Through that process, we learned how to handle things better, and youll find all of that in this book. When you approach awkward situations going forward, you can use that information as a guideline. No single thing we tell you can protect you from awkwardness. Embrace your discomfort and youll improve your chances of survival.

It does not, because thats impossible.

New social experiences bring all sorts of unexpected thingsgood and bad. You roll the dice and things might go well, or they might work out terribly. Regardless, theyre bound to be a little awkward.

When you encounter any social situation for the first time, you dont really know what to do. Parties create all sorts of complications because you have to learn how to start a conversation and then maintain it without boring your audience to tears. Beyond that, you need to know when to stop, how to get away from people who make you feel uncomfortable, and how to get rid of people who wont leave you alone.

Although theres always the chance of meeting a new and exotic kind of weird person, you might find yourself struggling to have a conversation with someone smarter, dumber, or just different from you. Most social interactions take nothing more than honesty and tact. Those two things intersect less frequently than they should, but it is possible to have kind and truthful conversationseven ones that avoid white lieswithout callously trampling over someone elses feelings. Sometimes the truth will hurt. Sometimes you just need to tell people to leave you alone, but if you explain yourself theyll understand. You might make yourself feel bad by stumbling through a conversation, but you can recover by acknowledging your shortcomings and learning from them.

Social interactions take work and require failure. Nobody gets every one of them right, and good social skills dont come naturally. Even people who converse like professionals have acquired their skills by putting themselves out there time and again. When you go out into the world, you can greatly reduce the amount of awkwardness you encounter with a little planning and plenty of practice.

ATTENDING A PARTY WITHOUT BEING SUPER LAME

If youre not a party animal, large gatherings can be an awkward zoo. You can avoid them your whole life, or you can learn how to have a good time.

TT was a shy boy who loved bisexuals and baking. He searched a dating website for bi men, found Ben, and became instantly enamored. After they first chatted online, Ben suggested TT meet him in person for the first time at a party he was throwing that weekend. TT immediately freaked out because he didnt like big groups. He wasnt sure he wanted to go. Ben reassured him, saying that it would be a small party, and that he would introduce him to all his friends. TT seemed satisfied, but an hour before the event, Ben went outside to check the mail. He found a small pan containing a note: