Miller Jodi - SRSLY, WTF?: how to survive 249 of lifes worst F*#!-ing situations ever

SRSLY,
WTF?

How to Survive 248 of Life's
Worst F*#!-ing Situations EVER

GREGORY BERGMAN, ANTHONY W. HADDAD
AND JODI MILLER

Copyright 2011 by Gregory Bergman and Anthony W. Haddad

All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-2575-7
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2575-9
eISBN 10: 1-4405-2578-1
eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-2578-0

Printed in the United States of America.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from the publisher.

SRSLY, WTF? contains material adapted and abridged from:

WTF?, by Gregory Bergman and Anthony W. Haddad, copyright 2008 by Gregory Bergman and Anthony Haddad, ISBN 10: 1-60550-031-3, ISBN 13: 978-1-6055-0031-7;

WTF? College, by Gregory Bergman and Jodi Miller, copyright 2009 by Gregory Bergman, ISBN 10: 1-4405-0035-5, ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0035-0;

WTF? Work, by Gregory Bergman and Jodi Miller, copyright 2010 by Gregory Bergman, ISBN 10: 1-4405-0322-2, ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0322-1;

WTF? Women, by Gregory Bergman and Jodi Miller, copyright 2011 by Gregory Bergman, ISBN 10: 1-4405-0658-2, ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0658-1.

Certain sections of this book deal with activities that would be in violation of various federal, state, and local laws if actually carried out. We do not advocate the breaking of any law. The authors, Adams Media, and F+W Media, Inc. do not accept liability for any injury, loss, legal consequence, or incidental or consequential damage incurred by reliance on the information or advice provided in this book. This information in this book is for entertainment purposes only.

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases. For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Introduction: This Time We're F*#!-ing Serious

By Gregory Bergman

Every second of every day someone is facing another absurd situation that makes them say, What the fuck? Whether you can't find your keys or you just found out you have to get a testicle removed, there's a WTF moment around every corner. From the mundane to the insane, we are surrounded by shit that makes us scratch our head and wonder what the fuck is going on in this crazy world.

And it's always been a WTF world. Think about all those terrible times in history like the plague two-thirds of medieval Europe's population decimated. Talk about WTF.

And it continues to be a WTF world. Since the release of our outstanding series' first book in 2008, the world has witnessed one WTF moment after another. From the collapse of the global financial system to the popularity of the Snuggie to the invention of smart phones so smart they can now actually blow you, this planet just seems to get stranger and more unpredictable by the day. That's where we come in.

Our mission has always been to teach you how to survive life's worst f*#!-ing situations. It didn't matter whether you were in college or at the office or dealing with the fairer (and far more annoying) sex, our goal has been to provide you with the solutions you need to deal with everything life throws at you. That is our purpose, our passion, and our sacred pledge to mankind.

So join us on the following journey through some of our favorite WTF situations. It's the most comprehensive collection of WTF moments ever. Pulled from WTF? , WTF? College , WTF? Work , and WTF? Women , there are so many hysterical WTF situations in this book it will make your fucking head spin.

But don't worry, the WTF? series is far from over, and is in fact just beginning. So long as there are WTF moments to survive, we will always write another WTF? book to help you through them. (Not to mention, writing these books sure as hell beats working. LOL. I know some guys have all the luck. WTF?)

So seriously, what the fuck are you waiting for? Get reading. WTF?

Chapter 1

WTF?

How to Survive 101 of Life's Worst F*#!-ing Situations

1. You Can't Remember Where You Parked

Y ou've been through this several thousand times before, but you can't seem to learn your lesson. So there you are again in the middle of a crowded parking lot without the vaguest idea where you parked. Forgetting you parked in the Orange lot, section G2, Row A is one thing, but not even remembering what floor you're on is incredibly stupid.

Nevertheless, here's what to do:

The WTF Approach to Finding Your F*#!-ing Car

OPTION #1: Think Carefully

If you were a 2006 Nissan Maxima, where would you be?

OPTION #2: Report It Stolen

Go get a drink and let the cops find it. If they don't, you'll be able to collect the insurance money and get a new one that doesn't have french fries stuck between the seats.

OPTION #3: Wait Until the Place Closes

With fewer cars on the lot, you should be able to find yours. This won't work if you misplaced your car at O'Hare.

OPTION #4: Find Someone to Drive You Around

The security guy will probably do it, or you could call a cab but you might want to take this opportunity to pick up sympathetic women instead.

OPTION #5: Make a Spectacle

Walk around like a jackass with your arm in the air hitting the unlock button on your key and looking for your car's lights to flash. If you don't have one of those electronic keys, your car should be ugly enough to spot.

OPTION #6: Borrow Another Car

If there's no security guard and you can't find anyone to drive you around, hotwire another car and borrow it until you find yours.

OPTION #7: Check your Blackberry

See if you made a note about where you parked. What good is it to have ridiculously expensive, portable electronic instruments if you don't use them to solve the most ordinary of issues? Maybe you should get one for your kid and make it his job to keep track of your life.

OPTION #8: Buy the Place

Close it for renovation. The sole remaining car should be yours.

IN THE FUTURE

Use mnemonic devices. Try to memorize the location of your car based on words you make from the letter and number. If you park in H3, think of three horses. If you park in M16, think of the gun. If you park in F69