Miller Jodi - WTF? Women: How to Survive 101 of the Worst F*#!-ing Situations with the Ladies
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- Book:WTF? Women: How to Survive 101 of the Worst F*#!-ing Situations with the Ladies
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- Year:2011
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WTF?
WOMEN
How to Survive 101 of the Worst
F*#!-ing Situations with the Ladies
GREGORY BERGMAN AND JODI MILLER
Copyright 2011 by Gregory Bergman
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
Published by Adams Media,
a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
ISBN 10: 1-4405-0658-2
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0658-1
eISBN 10: 1-4405-0995-6
eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0995-7
Printed in the United States of America.
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Bergman, Gregory
WTF? women / Gregory Bergman and Jodi Miller.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-1-4405-0658-1
1. Women Humor. 2. Dating (Social customs) Humor. I. Miller, Jodi.
II. Title.
PN6231.W6B38 2011
818'.602 dc22
2010038799
Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.
Certain sections of this book deal with activities that would be in violation of various federal, state, and local laws if actually carried out. We do not advocate the breaking of any law. The authors, Adams Media, and F+W Media, Inc. do not accept liability for any injury, loss, legal consequence, or incidental or consequential damage incurred by reliance on the information or advice provided in this book. This information in this book is for entertainment purposes only.
This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.
To all the men who have to deal with women, and to all the women out there who have to deal with themselves.
Throughout history, great men have said some of the most profound things about women:
From women's eyes this doctrine I derive: They sparkle still the right Promethean fire.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
STANLEY BALDWIN
I have thought a sufficient measure of civilization is the influence of good women.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
But for most of us guys, only one quote really rings true:
Women: You can't live with them, and blowing yourself is bad for your back.
GREG BERGMAN
There is no perfect formula for unlocking the mysteries of the female mind. That's because there are many types of women the somewhat bitchy ones, the bitchy ones, and the really bitchy ones. Yet while you can't know everything about the sexier sex, you can become a little more proficient. That's our aim in this book. Well, that and to make you laugh your fucking balls off.
From how to deal when your girlfriend cheats on you to how to woo a chick on the first night (before she inevitably cheats on you with your best friend a year later), WTF? Women gives you the tools to survive 101 of the worst fucking situations you will ever encounter with these strange, beautiful creatures.
Y our eyes lock from across the room. She smiles. You smile. Now all you have to do is go over there and say something clever, like Hey. But even the thought of that makes your heart race, your palms sweat, and your dick shrivel to the size of a toddler's. God might have blessed you with good looks, but he forgot to give you a set of balls. Pussy!
OPTION #1: Send a Note
Write down something witty and attach it to a drink. Have the bartender or server give it to your girl. Hopefully, she will return the favor by coming to you. Or better yet, by coming on you.
OPTION #2: Take a Class
They have classes for everything. Learn the basics of how to start a conversation and get over your social anxiety. Then practice on women with whom you're comfortable, like your mom or your sister. Just remember to keep from going too far. Or else you might fall for a family member.
OPTION #3: Get Wasted
Nothing cures the nerves like a pint of whisky. That's why it's called liquid courage. Soon you'll be talking to girls, dancing with girls, maybe even dancing with boys (don't ask; don't tell). Careful, though if you drink too much, you might go home with a fat Persian clown covered in body hair. Yum.
I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
Garry Shandling
MOST EFFECTIVE PICK-UP LINES
Is your last name Gillette? 'Cause you're the best a man can get.
Are you a parking ticket? You've got fine written all over you.
I have never had a dream come true until the day that I met you.
I lost my number. Can I have yours?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
'Sup? (accompanied by a head nod)
LEAST EFFECTIVE PICK-UP LINE
You want to get a pizza and bang? What's the matter, you don't like pizza?
M en are from Mars. Women are from Venus. It just so happens that everyone from Venus is a bitch. At least, that's how you feel. What to do when every woman you meet makes you want to pull out your hair and wish you were gay.
OPTION #1: Buy One from Overseas
Go foreign. Go poor. Russia, China, Brazil. Bring an impoverished and eternally grateful hottie over from another land to live the American Dream: doing whatever you say. Be careful not to let her out of the house too much, though, because she might get wind of her rights.
OPTION #2: Look Deep into Your Soul
Maybe it's you and not the women? Seek help from a therapist and delve deep into your past. Maybe you really hate your mother and you subconsciously blame all women? Maybe you hate her because she once touched you in a strange way. Maybe it's all coming back to you now. Oh my God! No!
OPTION #3: Date a Mute
What's the most annoying thing she can do, wave her arms when she's mad?
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