Gregory Bergman - WTF?: How to Survive 101 of Lifes Worst F*#!-ing Situations

WTF?
How to Survive 101 of Lifes
Worst F*#!-ing Situations

Gregory Bergman and Anthony W. Haddad

Avon, Massachusetts

Copyright 2008 by Gregory Bergman
and Anthony W. Haddad.
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

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an F+W Publications Company
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ISBN 10: 1-60550-031-3
ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-031-7
eISBN 978-1-44051-614-6

Printed in the United States of America.

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contents

introduction
what the f*#!
is wtf?

chapter one
the everydays
of life

chapter two
out on the town

chapter three
workin for
the man

chapter four
dealing with
money trouble

chapter five
traveling at
home and abroad

chapter six
keeping it
in the family

chapter seven
in the
bedroom

chapter eight
dealing with
the mrs.

chapter nine
there goes the
neighborhood

chapter ten
tech
troubles

thanks and
apologies

Introduction
What the F*#! Is WTF?

WTF? Even if youve never actually said it, you probably know what it stands for. But if you are one of the few people who isnt familiar with the acronym, you might be saying to yourself, What the f*#!?we rest our case. WTF has deep roots. Few people know that legendary Roman ruler Julius Caesar coined the term. Turning toward Brutus moments before his death, he said unto his former friend, Et tu, Brutus. WTF? Unfortunately, these profound words were lost to history until archeologists uncovered the ancient city of Pompeii. There, beneath the rubble left from the violent eruption of Mount Vesuvius, three letters stood frozen in time, perfectly preserved on a once vibrantly colorful fresco: WTF? Julius Caesar.

Indeed, the phrase has quite a history. Today, while we dont have Attila the Hun ravaging the world, youll still encounter plenty of situations that make you want to scream, WTF! From being out of condoms when you finally need one to being harassed by telemarketers, weve compiled 101 of the most aggravating and infuriating situations contemporary life has to offer as well as the tools you need to survive them. Situations that make you sayyou guessed itWTF?

chapter one
the everydays
of life

1. You Cant Remember Where You Parked

Y ouve been through this several thousand times before, but you cant seem to learn your lesson. So there you areagainin the middle of a crowded parking lot without the vaguest idea where you parked. Forgetting you parked in the Orange lot, section G2, Row A is one thing, but not even remembering what floor youre on is incredibly stupid.

Nevertheless, heres what to do:

The WTF Approach to Finding Your F*#!-ing Car

Option #1: Think Carefully

If you were a 2006 Nissan Maxima, where would you be?

Option #2: Report It Stolen

Go get a drink and let the cops find it. If they dont, youll be able to collect the insurance money and get a new one that doesnt have french fries stuck between the seats.

Option #3: Wait Until the Place Closes

With fewer cars on the lot, you should be able to find yours. This wont work if you misplaced your car at OHare.

Option #4: Find Someone to Drive You Around

The security guy will probably do it, or you could call a cab... but you might want to take this opportunity to pick up sympathetic women instead.

Option #5: Make a Spectacle

Walk around like a jackass with your arm in the air hitting the unlock button on your key and looking for your cars lights to flash. If you dont have one of those electronic keys, your car should be ugly enough to spot.

Option #6: Borrow Another Car

If theres no security guard and you cant find anyone to drive you around, hotwire another car and borrow it until you find yours.

Option #7: Check your Blackberry

See if you made a note about where you parked. What good is it to have ridiculously expensive, portable electronic instruments if you dont use them to solve the most ordinary of issues? Maybe you should get one for your kid and make it his job to keep track of your life.

Option #8: Buy the Place

Close it for renovation. The sole remaining car should be yours.

IN THE FUTURE...

Use mnemonic devices. Try to memorize the location of your car based on words you make from the letter and number. If you park in H3, think of three horses. If you park in M16, think of the gun. If you park in F69...

2. Your Dry Cleaner Ruins Your Clothing and Wont Pay for It

I f youve ever had a suit or a shirt shrunk down to a miniature version of what it was by an incompetent dry cleaner, youve undoubtedly heard the same bullshit explanation the employee gives everyone: It was like that already. Sound familiar? Well, now imagine the line is spoken in a thick accent and it will hit home.