Gregory Bergman - WTF? College: How to Survive 101 of Campuss Worst F*#!-ing Situations

WTF?
COLLEGE

How to Survive 101 of Campus's
Worst F*#!-ing Situation

GREGORY BERGMAN AND JODI MILLAR

Copyright 2009 by Gregory Bergman.
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission
from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

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ISBN 10: 1-4405-0035-5
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0035-0
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This is dedicated to all the girls who
get through college by getting wasted
and whoring themselves.GB

This is dedicated to my parents who
said that getting wasted and whoring
myself through college would never
get me anywhere.JM

Contents

Introduction
Welcome to F*#!-ing College

WTF? is back. And this time we are here to help our friends in college, university, or for the mentally or financially challenged among youcommunity college. In this book, weve compiled 101 of the worst fucking situations youll experience in collegiate life and our recommendations on how to survive them.

When you were a little kid, adults told you that those were the best days of your life. Their reasoning: You didnt have to do shit for yourself and you had no responsibilities. Translation: You dont have to deal with a pain-inthe-ass kid like you.

But the truth is that they were lying. Kid life, like adult life, sucks. While kids dont have to pay the bills, they do have to obey the people who do. But not anymore. In college, you now have the best of both worlds; you have limited responsibility and no one to boss you around. These really are the best days of your life. After all, bagging a new hottie every night in real life requires more than fetching a cup of lukewarm beer from a keg and showing off your calf muscles. Trust us.

Indeed, college is a great time in life. It is a time to learn, to grow, and to participate in sexually deviant behavior with random coeds without the fear of your mom walking in. It is the peak of your existence, the time when your mind and body are at their very best.

We, your humble authors, remember our college experience fondly:

I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs and learned some stuff that I mostly forgot, says coauthor Gregory Bergman on the subject. Mr. Bergman is the proud recipient of a BA in Philosophy, which left him forever critical of so-called reality as well as utterly unemployable in the real world.

I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs too, but I dont really think I learned that much to be honest, adds co-author Jodi Miller. Ms. Miller is the proud recipient of a BA in Media Communications and Broadcast Journalism (a bullshit degree by the wayyou might want to look into it!), which has left her nothing but a phony smile and distant memories of what it was like to not be old.

Yep, its all downhill from college. Again, youll have to trust us.

But that doesnt mean college is a breeze. To master this new chapter in your life, you must learn to avoid the potential pitfalls and navigate the tough situations that come your waysituations that range from sleeping through a final exam to knocking up your professor to coping with a harrowing weed addiction. How do you learn to deal with these and other tough situations?

You read this book, you freshman dumbass. WTF?

Chapter 1
Orientation

1. You Applied to Twenty Schools and Were Only Accepted at One

C hoosing a college can be a very difficult decision. Does it have a good reputation? Is it expensive? Do the chicks there put out? But for you its even harder. Truth is your grades arent perfect, so you apply to twenty schools just in case. Surely youll get accepted to at least ten or so. But soon the thin envelopes start to arrive. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. And yet another goddamn rejected ! You have been turned down from every school you applied to except one. One! You are now the newest student at Loser University. WTF?

The WTF Approach to Handling F*#!-ing Rejections

OPTION #1: Make the Most of It

So what if the schools motto is Were a bunch of rejects, but we are really nice... and stuff.

And who cares if the campus is old and dirty and the computer room looks like something out of a 1950s sci-fi film. Look on the bright side: Your professors probably grade on one hell of a curve.

OPTION #2: Transfer

Get good grades the first semester and then get the fuck out of Dodge. Some slightly less shitty school might accept you now.

OPTION #3: Stay Home with Mom and Dad

Fuck it. Get a job at Dairy Queen instead. Maybe you can work your way up to assistant manager or even manager one day. Thats when the big bucks start rolling in.

EXCERPTS FROM RECENTLY DISCOVERED COLLEGE ESSAYS:

I am a hard worker and true team player. I enjoy football, golf, and just about any type of physical activity that is hands-on. Above all, I consider family to be the most important thing.

OJ Simpson

Intended Major: Forensic Science

I have a lot of leadership skills. People tend to trust that I know the final solution to even the most tedious of problems.

Adolf Hitler

Intended Major: Jewish Studies, with a minor in Art

I believe in turning the other cheek, not coveting thy neighbors wife, and that the meek shall inherit the earth. I think one day people all over the world will cherish these principlesto such an extent that they will kill, maim, and torture those who do not.

Jesus H. Christ

Intended Major: Religious Studies