Bonnie Jacobson - The Shy Single: A Bold Guide to Dating for the Less-Than-Bold Dater

Dating can be daunting for all personality types, especially the shy. Fortunately, Bonnie Jacobson offers clear, concise, and, most important, realistic dating advice for shy singles of all ages. Like the Wizard of OZ, she will help shy singles use their brain, develop their courage, and fill their heart as they follow the yellow-brick road to achieving dating success.

Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D., director of the Shyness Research Institute, professor of psychology at Indiana University Southeast, and author of The Shyness Breakthrough

Dr. Jacobson takes up a widespread problem among those who want relationships but do not have them: debilitating shyness. Her approach is eminently practical and potentially beneficial for all who struggle with shyness. Written in a clear and breezy style, its accessible to everyone.

Harold S. Bernard, Ph.D., president of the American Group Psychotherapy Association and clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York University School of Medicine

Bonnie Jacobsons compassion, wisdom, and boldness connects to the shy reader. Singlesand even otherswill gather courage to make new attachments.

Myrna Weissman, Ph.D., professor of epidemiology in psychiatry and chief of the Division of Clinical and Genetic Epidemiology at Columbia University

A powerful and gifted therapist, Bonnie Jacobson offers a brilliant road map towards courage and authentic self-confidence. The Shy Single is required reading for anybody navigating the difficult terrain of meeting and dating in these challenging times.

Linda Carter, Ph.D., director of the Family Studies Program at New York University Child Study Center

Dr. Jacobson offers the shy single a sensitive, thoughtful, and practical approach to breaking out of the shell of shyness. Anyone who applies the insights in this useful book will finally be able to spread their wings and take flight in their own life.

Bonnie Maslin, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Picking Your Battles: Winning Strategies for Raising Well-Behaved Kids

To my grandfather Joseph Andress, who was painfully shy, and Dr. Linda Carter, the inspiration for this book.

B. J.

To Ron and Kym

S. J. G.

My gratitude is due to some of the people who helped transform the data from the therapy room to the publishing house. First is Meg Schneider. She believed in this work from day one and tirelessly attended the initial series of shyness workshops. She dedicatedly helped me codify the information that was unfolding. We were also assisted at that time by data collectors in each workshop: Dr. Victoria Stopak, Joan Rosillo, and Sloan Miller. I would love to mention some of the names of the workshop participants; their brilliant descriptions of the shy experience constitute the body of this book. But when they read it, they will know what ideas came directly from their own creative concepts. Dr. Stephanie Lyn and I turned the information that was collected into a Shyness Test, which has been statistically ratified as the measure of shyness calculation.

By this time, Meg assisted me in finishing our first complete manuscript. The initial edition was then transformed by several agents and writers along the way until it finally landed on the desk of my knowledgeable and supportive agent, Ms. Stacey Glick. She introduced me to Sandra Gordon, writer and collaborator from heaven. We were a cadre of no-nonsense professionals. Our threesome was then fortunate enough to encounter Jennifer Kushnier, editor at Rodale Press. A wonderful synergy ensued. We sped through the manuscript and had a finished product within a couple of months. Then Marcelle DArgy Smith polished this text with love and ferocity. I am forever grateful and in awe of the professionalism of the entire team.

Not the least, I want to acknowledge my husband, Arie Shapira, who is constantly enthusiastic about and helpful with every project I undertake. As always, he completely shared this shyness adventure with me from its inception.

If theres a shy, single person Ive met through my practice who truly wanted to be in a relationship, Ive always been able to help them.

Well, that is a little bit of an exaggeration, but only insofar as some of my shy singles are not ready for marriage. Those individuals are working on unfinished business from their childhood families. But I am very optimistic that once they are comfortable with who they have become they will marry or find a significant love relationship if they so choose.

I have a friend named Elaine Housman who has an uncanny knack for connecting people who eventually marry. In fact, she was the matchmaker in my own marriage. The day I wrote this preface, there was a charming story in the New York Times about a man from Denver who advertised everywhere for a mate. He was a basketball player, and during an international competition, he held up a sign that he was looking for a wife. He is actually a shy person, but he used this strategy because he was determined. Elaine read about his plight and e-mailed him about her niece in Berkeley who is also a tall person. Todays Times article featured their wedding. It was a delightful story.

I began to reflect on Elaines dedication and her skill. I then realized that I too have been devoting my life to relationships. They make me happy. When I participate in helping someone to end her loneliness and begin the next life challengea successful love relationshipit gives me tremendous joy. It feels as if I am part of a greater good that may help our beleaguered world.

It is much easier to pay attention to a squeaky wheel, someone who makes his request readily known. But shy people also need friends. Some shy people are a challenge even to themselves. To me, they have a treasure inside themselves waiting to be discovered. Because many of them are so appreciative, sensitive, quiet, and nondemanding, they usually play by the rules and do their best to fit in, rather than voice their requirements.

Its when I am conducting group therapy sessions that I experience my main complaint about shy people: They often do not equally participate in speaking, which, of course, is why they are in group in the first place. But even if all they ask of the group members is to pay attention to them, I believe that providing space so that another person can express him- or herself is a good skill for all of us to learn.

I began to develop an intense interest in shyness because of Melody, an intelligent, married engineer who was my client for many years. She was in a group for a long time and accomplished her original goals of healing her depression and developing a relationship with her parents, siblings, and extended family members where they came to respect her. Her husband was a lawyer and worked very long hours, some of them entertaining clients and socializing with his boss, who liked topless bars. At home, they rarely spoke or had sex.

Eventually Melody was ready to leave therapy, although her sex life was extremely limited. One day she tossed off a revelation about herself that I found startling. She said, You probably dont realize thisI know it doesnt showbut I am a very shy person. Since she is a very articulate person, I had completely missed this. Melody said her shyness was almost paralyzing in two main areas: in bed with her husband and at large cocktail parties where she knew almost no one, such as those at a work convention. Her distress, and the realization that few professionals took the painful effects of shyness seriously, made me determined to explore all I could about it in adulthood.