Barbara Corcoran - If You Dont Have Big Breasts, Put Ribbons on Your Pigtails

This book made available by the Internet Archive.

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For Mom (and Dad)

All of the author's profits from this book benefit specialized schools for dyslexic children.

But I never saw my mother sleep. In fact, she only sat down during dinner and later for about three minutes in the tub of our one bathroom. Although Mom was perennially pregnant, she was always on the movea blurry blue Sears housedress topped by a wavy blond perm and supported by two sturdy speed-walking legs. She had bulging purple varicose veins that grew with each child, and I was always worried that they were going to pop. But they didn't.

On any given day, Mom could be found in one of two places: the outside landing, where she hung the laundry, or the kitchen, where she jogged between the ironing board and the oven. It seemed my mother could do a hundred things at once, all the while keeping at least one of her blue eyes on her ten children.

"Watch yourself, Eddie!" she'd shout down from the landing to my oldest brother in the side yard. "Remember, you're a born leader and all the boys are watching you!" Then she'd vroom down the fourteen wooden steps, hip the laundry basket through the banging screen door into the kitchen, and dump it onto the table.

"You're the absolute best helper, Ellen," she'd say as my eager sister did the folding. "You're going to make a wonderful mother!"

Shortly after noon, Mom would begin preparations for dinner, served nightly at six o'clock sharp. "Barbara Ann!" she'd yell down the basement stairs as she peeled potatoes. "Come on up here and take Florence, Tommy, and Mary Jean. They need some entertainment and if you're going to be a star, you'll need to practice."

And that was my mother's genius. S.he kept her house going by putting her finger on the special gift she saw in each of her children, and making each and every one of us believe that that gift was uniquely ours. Whether it was true or not, we all believed it.

11 was Nana Henwood who predicted my destiny.

Besides being almost a midget, my grandmother also had the honor of being our bedtime masseuse. While my mother packed our lunches for the next day, Nana would make the rounds and spend a

few minutes with each of her ten grandchildren, rubbing our backs and whispering happiness into our ears.

One night when I was eleven, Nana came to my bed and found me crying. Dark hair had suddenly sprouted all over my arms, and I was hiding the two bearded limbs under the covers.

u Let me see your arms," Nana coaxed.

"No," I cried, "they look like Dad's!"

She pulled my arms from beneath the covers and rubbed them. "Hairy arms!" She beamed proudly. "That means you're going to be rich!"

A few years later, hoping to fulfill Nana's prophecy. I got my first job as a summer playground supervisor. By the time I turned twenty-four, Fd have twenty-two others.

It was my twenty-fourth job that made me rich. How did I get there?

First, I believed Nana's words.

More important, I used what I learned from my mother.

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If You Don't

Have Big Breasts

Put Ribbons on

Your Pigtails

Well, Gloria and her two well-rounded friends. Gloria was built like Dolly Parton with a big bleached-blond swirl of cotton candy hair. Her breasts were the specialty of the house and had the power to lure men off the street, even if they weren't hungry. She could carry six cups of coffee stacked on top of them, and never spill a drop.

Gloria and her dynamic duo had put the Fort Lee Diner on the map, and watching the twins bounce around the diner had become sport in Fort Lee. I was watching her work the front section and, in an effort to feel busy, I was wiping the barren Formica landscape in front of me with a soggy white rag.