Wendy K. Williamson - Im Not Crazy Just Bipolar

I m Not Crazy Just Bipolar

By:

Wendy K. Williamson

I m Not Crazy Just Bipolar.

Copyright 2013 Wendy K. Williamson.

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Cover design by Kim Sillen.

www.kimsillen.com

eBook formatting by Maureen Cutajar

www.gopublished.com

For more information, contact:

www.wendykwilliamson.com

For:

Mom & Dad

and

My Fellow Bipolars

Reviews

Williamsons analysis of the mental health field and mental health professionals is insightful without being preachy, and she presents her story with grace and humor.

-Publishers Weekly

Skillfully weaves together several levels of a young womans life... [It] is, like its title, an assertion that a life touched by bipolar disorder is still a life with its own logic. The book does a great job at describing that logic.

-National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)

Wendy honestly shares many ideas that have proven successful and she has navigated through dealing with bipolar disorder. She very much reflects the attitude that shes now managing the disorder. With books like this, hopefully perceptions will continue to shift and we wont be so quick to use labels, but instead see real people and true potential.

-The Shreveport Times

I m Not Crazy Just Bipolar is a memoir of her 17 year journey to healing and hope that she tells with honesty and a sense of humor. Wendy shares her darkest secrets to help others afflicted with the illness, their families, friends and professionals.

-The Angelos

Im Not Crazy Just Bipolar is a powerful personal memoir of a courageous woman who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 21. This interview and book are filled with information about an often misdiagnosed and misunderstood condition.

-Nick Lawrence, WEEU Radio, Philadelphia.

Authors Note:

I decided to release this original version of my book. It is the one that was edited in 2009 with my first editor. There are the chapters, The Beginning and Chaos in Colorado, both of which were omitted in the 2010 release. Also unique to this version are reviews and music quotes. It is more anecdotal and personal; if youre bipolar, you may appreciate this. One of my main motivations was to be able to release it myself not through the publisher so I could control the price and make it more affordable.

My memoir has been ten years in the making. I hope you can get something out of it and relate. Maybe even a morsel leading you down the path of your own understanding.

Introduction

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder my last semester at Virginia Tech twenty years ago. At that time there was no book like this for me to read, only ones written by doctors or famous people. I thought being told that I had bipolar disorder meant I was crazy and abnormal and I wanted more than anything to be normal again. Of course, I know now that normal doesnt exist. Normal is a cycle on a wash machine.

Five years ago I hit turbulence. My friend died, I was downsized from my job, and I had to move back into my parents house all within a short period of time. I went into a deep depression and struggled to find a purpose in my life. Why was I alive when my happy, newlywed friend was dead? Writing this book made sense to me. Maybe that was my unfulfilled purpose? So I set up a makeshift office in my parents basement and began writing. However my writing was fueled by sleepless nights of manic driven creativity and I couldnt complete it. I continued faster in my downward spiral.

I tried several times to commit suicide. I was in and out of the hospital seven times in fourteen months and ended up receiving quite a few ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) treatments. I didnt want to live which, needless to say, makes completing a book pretty tough.

Once I was finally stable and sober (that also was a big struggle), I felt inspired again but needed a sign. A sign from God, the universe, my angels, something to reassure me I was on the right track.

I always wanted to tell my story, and thought I could help someone doing it, but who was I to think that I could? All I had ever written was a bunch of poetry, half of which I was too embarrassed to let anyone read. Things began to shift when I started listening to those you can do it CDs all the time. I stopped thinking of myself as a waitress and called myself a writer. Pretty soon the right people were put in my path and exactly one year later I was done with this book.

My hope is that when you read this, you gain some hope and understanding as a result. Whether you have bipolar disorder or youre a family member or friend of someone who is bipolar. Maybe you are a professional in the field. Regardless of whom you are, we can all use a little light to understand ourselves and each other. We are not going to get through this battle alone. And it is a battle. One out of every five bipolars commits suicide. We need each other to not only get well but, at times, to stay alive.

If you have bipolar disorder, your story, your details, will be different than mine, thats true. However, some of the feelings will be the same because after all, our brains are the same. I hope this helps you feel less alone, less ashamed of some of the things that maybe youve gone through. None of this is your fault. You didnt ask to be born mentally ill. But since weve got it, we have to deal with it the best way we can.

I want you to know that I am rooting for you in your life, whoever you are. Yes, there will be ups and downs, mania and depression. Most of us suffer from both of these from time to time. Never forget to remember there is peace too. Heres my journey.

Table of Contents

Diagnosis Disaster

S he was The Enemy. The shrink at Virginia Tech whose intensity was making me uncomfortable in my chair. I remember her squinty eyes as she accused me with them. Her shiny, black hair was pulled tightly into a severe bun. I was supposed to be graduating in just six weeks.

My parents were seated in her office next to me, thanks to my roommate, who had alerted them to my bizarre behavior. I had no idea why we were there. I only knew her for two minutes but I already knew two things: I did not like her and clearly, she was The Enemy.

My father was holding my moms hand but not saying much. He had just finished making small talk with The Enemy about how nice her orchids were. The Enemy was trying to make eye contact with me, but I avoided her. I kept busy, looking around, reading her fancy degrees and the titles of all her books that looked horribly boring. I presumed they were about as dull as her personality. I spotted a video camera on a tripod in the corner nearby.

Her manner switched from semi serious to acting as if she was telling my parents I was going to die. Then I heard the words I will never, ever forget.

Your daughter is bipolar, she said matter-of-factly. She is having a hypo-manic episode.

Wait, what? I went over those words again, but it did not sound good.

Im sorry, but could you go please over that again? My mom gently and politely asked The Enemy to repeat the bomb she had just dropped on us.

She is in a hypo manic episode that could be drug induced the shrink said slower this time. It felt like she was making this up as she was going along. Maybe it was just me.

My parents sat there listening as The Enemy continued talking but I had already begun to tune out. I was staring at my mom hoping, half expecting, she would jump up out of her seat and declare this woman insane to be saying this about her daughter. Instead, my mom just bravely fought back her tears. What the hell was going on here? Why wasnt she screaming? Why wasnt I screaming? She already had them in the palm of her hand. My father was quiet as usual and staring off into space.