Rebecca M Adair - Whatevers Next...Its Not 13th Grade: A Dorm Moms Guide for a Parents Journey

Copyright 2020 by Rebecca M. Adair

Whatevers Next, Its Not 13 th Grade! A Dorm Moms Guide For A Parents Journey

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

The resources in this book are provided for informational purposes only and shouldnt be used to replace the specialized training and professional judgment of a health care or mental health care professional.

ISBN: 978-1-7344737-0-4 (ebook)

ISBN: 978-1-7344737-1-1 (Paperback)

This book is dedicated to:

My heavenly Father because none of this would be possible without His plan, His mercy, and His grace.

My own kids the ones I brought into this world and get to experience it withwhen were all not too busy. Thank you for allowing me to share your stories.

My other kids the ones I had the joy and privilege of advising, teaching, coaching, or mentoring. I learned much more from you than you did from me!

My husband who helped raise all of them with me and has supported me in every way possible. Consider this large dragon officially slayed!

My friends who may still think Im crazy for my career path but are there for me anyway.

My colleagues most of whom are still out there making a daily difference, while others have taken a well-deserved retirement!

My parents who provided me with the best possible education, even if I didnt know it then.

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Contents

F irst, I apologize to my residence life colleagues for using the word dorm . It made sense for this book, but I know it grates on you. Most people dont know that we say residence hall instead, and that a residence hall is a place that promotes community, not just a bunch of rooms.

This book started out in my mind as a how to. The original how to focus was going to show parents how to avoid being the dreaded helicopter parents. I could spend paragraphs explaining that term, but, in this case, it would be better to Google it! Youll find some definitions, articles, and cartoons. Some are funny and some are sad.

As I wrote it, this book morphed. It became a memoir of my time working at colleges and universities, and my time as a parent. But a memoir isnt usually written to help people. Its written to remember, entertain, or explore universal truth. While I enjoyed remembering and hope to entertain a bit, what I most want is to ease your way.

With this book, I want parents to learn from what I saw, what I did, and what I wish Id done.

Many parents arent prepared for having college-age studentswhether those students attend college or not. Ive also seen many students arrive at college unpreparedand frequently unwilling to be therebut that issue isnt within the scope of this book.

In my more frustrated moments, I see that a huge issue of the U.S. public school system is confused parenting and rapidly changing societal expectations. Theres no way I can cover all thatmuch less say how to fix it. That wont stop me from doing what I can in an area where I feel I have some experience and expertise.

My focus in this book is the parents or supporters of students who are nearing graduation from high school. Its also for parents of students who are years away but hoping to attend college. And its for those who are already in college and its not going well. Those of you with much younger students might be able to look ahead and get some tips to prevent some of what gets students off track. I know, when theyre just learning to read, its tough to imagine them buying $200 textbooks!

In this book, I offer you an insiders look at higher education, a parents dramatically different experience with two different children, and an academic coachs advice for how to be a successful (and sane) parent of a college student. Or not .

The or not doesnt apply to the sane part. It applies to the college part. Over the last few years of my career, Ive discovered that many students do not need to attend college . And theres a variety of reasons for that.

Some arent ready. Some arent interested. Some arent qualified. Some can be quite successful in a productive and healthy career of their choice without attending college. The most important thing for you to realize, as a parent or supporter, is that its the students choice. Period.

Because its free, or because you went to college, or because its the only way they can be a doctor and thats what youve always wanted for themnone of these are great reasons to attend, unless theyre coupled with the students willingness and ability to do what it takes to be successful. Not your willingness or ability. Theirs . If you want it for them more than they want it for themselves, thats the heart of the problem.

This book can show you how things work leading up to college, and how things work once your student is admitted. It will dispel some myths and let you in on some of the secrets known by professionals in the field.

If you have a student who is ready and willing, this book will show you how to be the kind of supporter who encourages without interfering. The kind of supporter who helps the college staff teach the student to fish, instead of catching, cleaning, cooking, and chewing the fish for them.

If you have a student who isnt ready and/or willing, this book can show you how to help them figure out the best path that isnt college. At least not yet (if ever). And thats okay! Well talk about how to shift your expectations of what success looks like for your kids and better understand a positive role for yourself.

Youll read about my credentials and my experiences, but, for now, it might help to know that I have 30 years of experience working on a college campus. For 11 of those years, I lived in the dorm, surrounded by college students, day and night, as a full-time professional.

To some of you, it might matter that I have a masters degree in adult learning. (I define adults as those beyond high school, regardless of whether their behavior earns them that label.) I spent several years working on that degree while living with hundreds of college students, so I took away some lessons that can help you.

Finally, a factor that might matter more to some of you than to others, Im a parent (and a stepparent). Of the four children who had me as a parent or stepparent, two have masters degrees, one has a bachelors degree, and the fourth has a couple of free t-shirts from orientation.

I continue to learn from and with them, as well as from and with the students who used to report to me on campus. Many of them have become close friends, calling my husband and me their college dad and mom, and backing that up with regular visits, wedding invitations, and calls about expecting children.

By reading this book, you can give yourself a chance to handle this tough age better than expected. Or maybe its your second try, and you want to get it right this time. Or maybe you plan way ahead, and just know that when the time comes, youll want to have taken some steps early on. Regardless of what stage your children are at, you can learn tips and strategies for being a successful supporter of a college-age student.