Jennifer DeSanctis - running out of ink

what age

the first time

feeling the world would be better off

without me

at least the feeling

of not wanting to be here

started young

at fifteen

i wrote a poem

about a pen

running out of ink

representing a love story

i knew i wanted to write this book

but not a memoir

fictional

instead of fitting my life story

i thought my ending was self-destruction

and now

this entire book

is only my introduction

**

Dear Reader,

There have been a lot of scary moments in my life. For a while, they never seemed to end. The scariest was April 27, 2019. At around one in the morning on my way home from a party, I was convinced I was going to die by suicide that night.

Id gone through periods of time when I wanted to die, but there was never a moment like that one, having assured myself that I was going to act on it. I woke up the next morning in disbelief that I was alive. Since that day, my life has changed.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States and the second leading cause of death among people ages 1034. The annual prevalence of serious thoughts of suicide by US demographic group are 4.8 percent of all adults, 11.8 percent of young adults aged 1825, 18.8 percent of all high school students, and 46.8 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual high school students.

For many years, I have struggled with self-esteem and mental health, as many people do. It got a lot worse after I lost my dad to addiction in 2017. I didnt like myself, I went through some traumatizing shit, and I made a lot of mistakes. I thought thats all Id ever be. I believed that the things that had happened to me, along with having my own bad nights and making bad choices, were what defined me and thats all I could be viewed as. I let my past consume me. The lowest moments of my life, what I considered rock bottom, kept getting lower. Its easy to feel like you cant escape bad moments, experiences, and decisionsespecially when youre hesitant to face them.

When I woke up that morning, I was thankful to be able to open my eyes, literally and figuratively. I was lying on my floor thinking of the previous night and everything that led up to an almost tragic ending to my story. I realized I needed to make changes because I might not get another chance if I didnt pull myself out of the mindset I was in.

I had lost myself. I had become someone I couldnt recognize. I thought there was no coming back, but Ive learned that you really can find yourself again if you make sure youre going in the right direction. I am beyond thankful to say Ive never known who I am more than I do now.

I finally realized that every bad thing that happens is not what defines you. With every bad situation there is still an opportunity to react to it, respond, and rebuild. Thats what defines you. You cant control what happens around you, but you can choose how you handle it.

Every decision you make is connected to your next one. You can have hundreds of bad moments, bad experiences, and bad decisions you wish you could change, but there are still so many choices that are on your terms in between. Things can get better if you put yourself on the path to getting better, and only if you believe youll get better. Every day is a new opportunity to do that.

I am compelled to write this for a few reasons. First, I want to share my story in hopes that it will help others going through similar experiences. I want people to know that they arent alone and no matter what happens to you, when things seem like they will never get better, they will, even if it takes a massive amount of time. Hang in there and keep fighting to get to that place. Your pain isnt for nothing.

Second, I want to share my dads story, because he doesnt have the opportunity to do so himself anymore. I want to draw attention to the stigmas and misconceptions that exist around mental health and addiction. With his story being a part of mine, I hope to open conversations about addiction, substance abuse, suicide, depression, and many other topics. The more we talk about these things, the less controversial theyll be for people to acknowledge when they need help. The more we talk about these things, the less alone well all feel when we face them. Were neveralone.

This memoir is first and foremost for anyone who needs it. If you picked up this book because you are struggling with mental health, addiction, loss, or anything else you heard was in it, I am so proud of you for continuing your fight. Thank you for giving your time and attention to my journey. I hope I can be a part of yours.

Parents, this is for you too. There are many things in this memoir that my family doesnt know. In fact, they have no idea that I thought I was going to kill myself, which is what this entire book revolves around. Your children/teens are likely to experience one or many of the things I discuss related to my own experiences. I hope my story can help you navigate through your childs challenges and initiate important conversations when needed.

Most of all, I want this to reach anyone who identifies as a girl or young woman, just because I feel like maybe they will relate to me more than others. I struggled an overwhelming amount growing up. Its hard with all the standards women feel we have to reach. I want all of you to know youre beautiful and no matter what is going on now, you are going to love and be so proud of the you years down the line. If you just thought, Theres no fucking way, so did I, and now youre reading my book, which has set me free and shown me Im a lot stronger than Ive ever given myself credit for.

Life consists of a ton of moments, but life is all about how you refill yourself every time one of those moments is draining you. Welcome to my story: