Ann-Marlene Henning - Lets Talk About Sex: Real Stories from a Therapists Office

Copyright 2020 by Ann-Marlene Henning

English translation copyright 2020 by Jamie McIntosh

Originally published in German as Liebespraxis: Eine Sexologin erzhlt by Ann-Marlene Henning 2017 Rowohlt Verlag GmbH, Reinbek bei Hamburg

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Cataloguing data available from Library and Archives Canada

ISBN 978-1-77164-428-0 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-1-77164-429-7 (epub)

Editing by Stephanie Fysh

Proofreading by Alison Strobel

Cover design by Nayeli Jimenez

Text design by Belle Wuthrich

Cover photograph by Nele Martensen

This work reflects the ideas and opinions of the author. It aims to provide useful information on the topics covered in these pages. Neither the author nor the publisher is offering medical, health, or other professional services in this book. Before putting the suggestions in this book into practice or drawing conclusions from them, readers should consult their general practitioner or another competent health professional. The author and the publisher are not responsible for any liability, damage, loss, or risk, whether personal or otherwise, suffered as a result of the direct or indirect use or application of any element of the contents of this work. Patient names have been changed to protect privacy.

Greystone Books gratefully acknowledges the Musqueam, Squamish, and Tsleil-Waututh peoples on whose land our office is located.

Greystone Books thanks the Canada Council for the Arts, the British Columbia Arts Council, the Province of British Columbia through the Book Publishing Tax Credit, and the Government of Canada for our publishing activities.

Contents

Introduction

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A LITTLE WHILE AGO, I gave a lecture on sexuality at a professional development week for orthodontists. Maybe youre asking yourselves, What on earth does orthodontics have to do with sex? A lot, actually! The pelvic floor, which spans the area beneath the pelvis, is indispensable for good sex and also works in close alliance with the jaw. Both are part of the human fight-or-flight mechanism, and if someone is being stubborn or for some other reason gritting their teeth, it is highly likely that changes are happening down below, too. It is precisely for this reason that a good sex life leads to so much relaxationeven later, at the office!

I arrived at the orthodontists event under blue skies and glorious summer temperatures, just in time for the lunch break. The participants, in good humor, were eating on the hotel terrace squinting against the sunshine, or sitting in deck chairs with sea-blue-striped cushions enjoying a post-meal coffee. At small bar tables, others happily chatted away. Once I had loaded my plate and squeezed myself into a place at a table, there was a sudden hush in the conversationthe sexologist had arrived. And there it was, that common tension: Oh, so now its all about sex!

All in all, the week was a success. I was able to communicate my ideas, and the four lectures I gave were well attended. On the first day I asked the participants to take full-length cellphone portraits of their neighbors. What does your body look like? How do you hold yourself? Are you aligned and perpendicular? For the final lecture, I decided to get everybody to end with movementI wanted us all to sing and dance erotically. But would the orthodontists play along?

I neednt have worried. Ten seconds after Id started the music, the whole group was on their feet. The participants draped their suit jackets and sweaters over their chair backs and began swinging their pelvises with gusto and singing along with me: Ich hab Sex AppealIve Got Sex Appeal, a Georg Danzer song. Thirty-seven singing, shimmying orthodontists: a sight for sore eyesand ears!

Its always a joy to witness how much fun, positive energy sexuality can release. It often begins with giggling that quickly develops into a deep-down belly laugh full of pure life. I try to convey this sense of fun on TV talk shows when Im demonstrating thrusting techniques, on my vlog when I sit on a table in my socks saying, Today Im feeling menopausal, and through my day-to-day work in my practice. People come to me because they want to solve a problem, to learn to speak about their sexual desires, or to reintroduce energy to sex and their relationships. Almost all my clients are surprised about just how much is possible.

Are these things connected to love? Fundamentally, yes. When Im discussing sex, I like to talk about the practice of love, because for me love becomes relevant when its experienced practically and not just talked about. Practice, a word with Greek roots, means, among other things, deed or activity but also execution, completion, and encouragement. It is a word that suits sex well because sex is one of the most important acts for turning love and relationships into reality.

Sadly, whether with a therapist or their partner, many people simply dont dare talk about their sexual acts. It seems to me that we still, or once again, live in an uptight society. Recently a pastor wrote to me that he had covered the subject of responsible acts in love and partnerships in a religious education class for sixteen-year-olds. He was immediately suspended from teaching. No nudes were necessary for that step to be takena few Bible passages, such as 1 Corinthians 13, and Franois Villons raunchy poetry were enough.

I had a similar experience. In 2013 a writ from Germanys Federal Review Board for Media Harmful to Minors arrived in the mail. There was to be a hearing about whether my first book, Make Love, a sex education guide for teenagers, was spreading compromising material. Fortunately, I later received an official notice telling me that the matter had been dropped. The whole thing was absurd, because at the same time I had been nominated for a national childrens literature award.

In Germany, where I live, official guidelines govern what can be broadcast and when. My TV show can be broadcast in its entirety only after ten oclock in the evening; the same applies to accessing it on the internet. Apparently, its easier to accommodate fictional sex and violence on TV than it is to accommodate proper information about sex.

Inhibitions about and blockades put up against the subject of sex also arise in my practice. The media is full of sexual messages and sex is omnipresent in advertising, yet despite thisor maybe because of itpeople still havent got used to a relaxed handling of the subject. A lot of people are ashamed, some so much that Im reminded of previous centuries. My clients often explain to me how uneasy they feel inside their bodies and with their sexual desires. Only small children are relaxed and natural about their bodies and desires, and for me this is the crux. Sexual attitudes are planted early in peoples lives and develop over the years. One of my major concerns is achieving some sort of balance over sexuality from the very start. If parents are relaxed about these issues, then they can also be relaxed about their offsprings sexual and bodily curiosity.