John Trent - The Blessing: Giving the Gift of Unconditional Love and Acceptance

The
BLESSING

GIVING THE GIFT of UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

John Trent, PhD
and Gary Smalley

1986 Gary Smalley and John Trent

1993, 2011 John Trent and Gary Smalley

Revised and Updated by John Trent, PhD

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Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the New King James Version. 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted KJV are from the King James Version.

Scripture quotations noted NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible, The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. Used by permission.

Scripture quotation attributed to the J. B. Phillips translation is from J. B. Phillips: The New Testament in Modern English, Revised Edition. J. B. Phillips 1958, 1960, 1972. Used by permission of Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc.

Names have been changed to protect the identities of people referred to in this book.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Trent, John, 1952

The blessing : giving the gift of unconditional love and acceptance / John Trent and Gary Smalley. Rev. and updated by John Trent.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-8499-4637-0 (trade paper)
1. FamiliesReligious life. 2. Child rearingReligious aspectsChristianity. 3. Blessing and cursing. I. Smalley, Gary. II. Title.

BV4526.3.T74 2011
248.8'45dc22

2011004971

Printed in the United States of America

11 12 13 14 15 RRD 5 4 3 2 1

To Cindy Trent and Norma Smalley,
who are blessings from God

Contents

MY DEEPEST GRATITUDE goes out to my lifelong friend, Gary Smalley, who not only coauthored the original Blessing book with me, but who graciously agreed to be the honorary chairman of our National Board of Reference for the Institute for the Blessing. I deeply appreciate his support and that of his outstanding sons and colleagues, Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Michael Smalley, at the Smalley Relationship Center.

Thanks also to nine people who have truly been champions in encouraging a new generation of parents to embrace and live out the message of the blessing: Debbie Wickwire, Larry Weeden, Bob Dubberly, Lee Hough, Dewey Wilson, Pastor Ryan Rush, Dr. Royce Fraizer, Dr. Adrian Halverstadt, and Dr. Tony Wheeler. All have been incredible friends and champions for the blessing and the Blessing Challenge. A very special note of thanks to Anne Christian Buchanan. Her extraordinary skill in helping with all the editorial changes and countless wise suggestions on updating the book were absolutely invaluable and deeply appreciated.

The many parents who will see their childrens lives changed as they live out the blessing wont know the incredible contribution these ten have made in launching this mission and message, but Ill never forget. Thank you and may Gods blessing be on each of you!

ONE
To Change a Life

THE WRITING OF every book has its own story. For me, the story of this book is one that changed my life.

It has now been more than thirty years since two intensely personal experiences collided on the same day. It began on my first day as an intern at a psychiatric hospital. It ended with the Lord opening my eyes to the life-changing power of a simple relational tool called the blessing.

That day at the hospital, I spent a full shift sitting next to a young man on twenty-four-hour suicide watch. He was tall, handsome, well mannered, and an excellent student. In fact, he had been a straight-A student in high school and for three years of college. When he caught the flu the first semester of his senior year, that all changed. In a required PE course he had put off until then, he missed so many classes that his instructor gave him an automatic grade reduction to B for the semester. When the young man found out that there was no extra credit, no way to substitute other classes, and now no way to change his grade or drop the course, he fell into instant despair. He left the teachers office, went back to his dorm room, and tried to take his life. He would have succeeded had his roommate not unexpectedly and providentially returned.

As we sat and talked, and as I tried not to stare at his bandaged wrists, this young man poured out his heart to me. His story included a brilliant, demanding, engineer father who had gotten straight As himself and demanded nothing less from his oldest son. It highlighted how hard he had tried, all his life, to gain his fathers favor. And it ultimately led to how his failing to get an A in a tennis class brought the death of a dreamand nearly his own death as well.

This young man desperately yearned for something he couldnt quite definesomething that was always in sight, yet somehow never within reach. His heartbreaking tale left a haunting, indelible impression on me. I went home late that afternoon and shared the events of the day at length with my wife, Cindy. While I was still pondering and processing what had happened, the second of two dramatic events took place.

It was nighttime when I finally sat down and began working on a message for a couples Sunday school class. While Im sure you would never do such a thing if you were the teacher, I was just beginning my messagefor the next dayand kicking myself for letting school, work, and family crowd in so much. Looking back, I can see how Almighty God had his hand in the timing: after sitting down for hours next to that hurting young man, I now sat down and opened my Bible to Genesis 27.

Genesis 27 tells the story of twins: Jacob and Esau. I had read of the struggle between these two brothers countless times in the past. My plan was to speed-read through the passage and throw together a few inspired thoughts. Yet that night, with each word I read, time seemed to slow down. It was as if I saw, for the first time, the intensely personal story of how these two young men struggled so mightily to receive the same gift.

In fact, that night, it wasnt just words that I saw. It was like I could see each boys face. The ear-to-ear smile and unbridled joy in Jacobs eyes when he walked away with his fathers blessing. The crushing look of shock and loss on Esaus tormented face when he realized he would never receive that gift.

When Esau lifted up his voice and cried in anguish, Bless meme also, O my father! I suddenly saw not only Esaus unfulfilled longing and broken heart but also an echo of the tears and desperate cries I had heard as I sat next to the heartbroken young man in the hospital. And at that moment, it was as if the Lord put tangible words to the intangible something that young man had longed for all his life.

He missed his fathers blessing... Thats what broke his heart!

As that thought washed over me, I read Esaus pitiful, heartbreaking, repeated cry, Have you only one blessing, my father? Bless meme also, O my father! (Gen. 27:38). Just as suddenly, I had words for my own pain and hurt. For all my life I, too, had longed for something I had never received from my own fatherhis blessing.