Ashley Spencer - Surviving You

Copyright 2018 by Ashley Spencer

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Print ISBN: 978-1-54393-622-3

eBook ISBN: 978-1-54393-623-0

Dedication:

For Megan Arnold and Jessica Swiger, who talked me through every single panic attack and sleepless night during college...and after. If not for you, I would have not come out of this stronger. You are both my rock. Thank you for always being there. I honestly dont know what I would do without you.

Acknowledgements:

To Ashton Saunders, my oldest and dearest friend, thank you for donating your time and talents to ideate and inspire the artwork. Your contributions and involvement in this book and my story will always hold a special place in my heart.

Summary:

Ever wonder what goes on in the mind of a sociopath? Emma Sawyer spent every moment of her high school and college years trying to figure it out.

In a small, rural town in Ohio, with nothing much to do, Emma was a regular teenage girl trying to fit in. Her life was normal until she met David, a conniving and deceitful boy who stole her heart. Though David seemed aloof and impersonal at times, Emma fell for his fiery charm. Through ups and downs in their relationship, Emma found herself falling irrevocably in love with David, despite his pathological lies and violent fits of rage. Little did she know, he was about to take her on a seven-year journey that would change her life forever.

The memoir follows their love story through a series of relentless events. Providing introspection as an older Emma throughout, the author reflects on the memories and red flags of the abusive relationship. This book aims to help women who have experienced sexual abuse and manipulation realize they are not alone, shed light on the difficulties of domestic violence, and put a spotlight on the injustice of the courts.

Author Bio:

Ashley Spencer is a native of Gallipolis, Ohio. Born in 1991, she grew to love writing at a young age. Currently working as a copywriter in the tech industry, she prides herself on her career achievements. She lives in Saint Petersburg with her fur-baby Luna, and they can often be spotted trying out craft beer at local breweries. She enjoys taking Luna to the dog beach, attending art festivals, and growing her freelance copywriting business in her spare time.

Introduction:

According to RAINN, the nations largest anti-sexual violence organization, every ninety-eight seconds an American is sexually assaulted. A vast majority of those sexual assaults go unreported to the police, 658 of 1,000 instances to be exact. And out of those 342 that do report, only six out of 1,000 criminals end up in prison.

Im writing this story to share my experiences. Im writing it for healing. Im writing it for closure. But mostly, Im writing it for the one out of six women who have been the victim of a completed or attempted rape in their lifetimes. For all the women who have experienced sexual violence in any form. For those who feel ashamed, burdened, numb, and simply worn. You are not alone.

This is the story of how I met and fell in love with my rapist, and how it affected my life. I hope this book sheds light on the difficulties of domestic violence, and even more on the injustice of the judicial courts. This is my story. I hope it can help those who are suffering, who believe there is no way out, to find their strength, like it has helped me find mine.

This book may contain graphic accounts of sexual violence. If you are a survivor, this should serve as a trigger warning.

Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people in the memoir. While the events recorded in this book are not fictional, this is only one side of the story. This book is written for healing and awareness, not malicious intent against the subject.

Prologue:

One moment in time can change your life forever. That moment for me was meeting you. You walked into my life and nothing remained unchanged. I was in junior high, and my naive heart was in for the roller-coaster of a lifetime.

Despite your sweet nothings, I never really meant anything to you. You did not value my feelings; you took my body with or without consent; you intoxicated my mind with your poisonous words.

Our relationship was the first experience I ever had with love, and it evolved into the darkest and most tormented interaction Ive ever known. Ill never be able to forget you, no matter how hard I try. Of course, you never really forget your first love.

It was different with you. I felt with more intensity than Id ever expected, and you acted nonchalant about everything. You only expressed your love for me when you wanted something. But I know you have feelings, no matter how hard you try to hide them.

I remember seeing pieces of your heart unravel in front of me before your walls went up again. Youre in there. Youre just not willing to let many people see you.

Your presence was like poison, and I was hooked on every word. I became addicted to you. So much so that, even so many years after you, I continue to look for your traits in others. You created a fixer mindset in me. I choose men who need help finding their way, not men who actually want to be with me. Im slowly learning how to change my view of relationships. Im slowly learning how to avoid seeking you out.

Despite your negative impact on me, you did teach me that I am stronger than I think. Im glad youre no longer in my life, but I still think about the ways you shaped me. It seems like a century ago.

You were my everything, and now you are my reason. You are why I choose to speak out. You are why I choose to stand up for survivors. You are why I choose to write. I never want to speak to you again, but if you ever read this, you need to remember these final words.

You chose this. You chose the life you have. You chose what happened to you.

David Crowley was so full of life, his smile radiating through my bones. His laugh so wholesome and content, it brought chills to my spine. He was slender, with just enough muscle to make my young heart swoon, his light brown hair cascading onto his shoulders. Ozzy-eque sunglasses covered his face. I closed my eyes and imagined his soft kiss on my lips, as the warm Ohio sunshine spilled over my skin.

It was 2004. I was sitting on the front steps of the Gallia Academy Junior High, in the middle of open lunch, watching him lean against a railing leading to the school entrance. His closest friends surrounded him, as he draped his arm around a beautiful girl. This time, it was my best friend.

Emma! Amber pulled me out of my daydream. She playfully bounced over to me, as David dropped his hand from her shoulder. He glanced at me with those piercing blue eyes, and quickly went back to talking to his friend Troy about some video game.

Youre off in your own little world over here. Come talk to us. Amber said this as if she thought I was a social butterfly. She hadnt been either, before dating David. It wasnt that he was popular, actually quite the opposite. We were all the outcasts, trying to blend in and make as much noise and chaos as we could possibly get away with. And he had a charm that set every girls soul on fire.