Sharon Eagle - Terminal Hope: What Cancer Taught Me About Living and Dying

Terminal Hope

Copyright 2017 Sharon Eagle

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

Published 2017
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN: 978-1-63152-288-8 pbk
ISBN: 978-1-63152-289-5 ebk
Library of Congress Control Number: [LOCCN]

For information, address:
She Writes Press
1563 Solano Ave #546
Berkeley, CA 94707

She Writes Press is a division of SparkPoint Studio, LLC.

T his book is dedicated to a small group of individuals who have quite literally, made my life worth living. First I must thank Lois Davies for her friendship and support for the past 40+ years. She was among the first to visit me in person and share a box of tissues as we absorbed and processed the life-changing news of my cancer diagnosis. For our entire adult lives we have shared lifes ups and downs from the day we met on campus at Central Washington University and onward as we married, raised children, struggled in relationships, grew professionally, and developed spiritually. Lois always understood the vital role that hope plays regardless of where we are in life. She was the first to challenge and assist me to identify and clarify my hopes in spite of my diagnosis and prognosis. From the beginning, she gently urged me to write and then gladly read my first attempts, providing loving, honest feedback. I seriously doubt whether this book would have come to fruition without her ongoing encouragement and support.

I cannot imagine my life without my older sister, Stephenie. The important role she has played cannot adequately be expressed in words. Big sis, surrogate mom, close friend, cheerleader, therapist, and so much more. As my first audience, she read through the early attempts and, in spite of a plethora of errors and need for extensive rewrites, she recognized and believed in my vision. Furthermore, she convinced me that it was good enough to actually grow up and become a real book someday. More importantly she and my other siblings, Rick, Roger, and Troy have seen me through the twists and turns, ups and downs, bumps and bruises of life. They have been the support team for the past seven years that every cancer patient should have. Although we all may not have consistently agreed on political or social issues, we always knew without a doubt that we had each others backs.

I am also grateful to my dear friend Andy McPhee, former Senior Acquisitions Editor at F.A. Davis, my first publisher. He recognized and believed in the writer in me that I wasnt sure existed. Then he took me under his wing and coached me through the process of writing several textbooks for healthcare professionals, an adventure I will always treasure. That experience gave me the confidence to think I might one day be able to write a regular book. As we journeyed onward in our lives Ive been so pleased that our friendship endured the transition into retirement and continues to this day. His was the first professional opinion I sought when the idea of this book crossed my mind. And though he has had no financial or professional gain from this venture, he has consistently encouraged me every step of the way. When I was stuck and undecided between attempting the traditional publishing route (which is notoriously difficult) or self-publishing (which is increasingly popular but fraught with challenges) he pointed me in a third direction toward SWP an up-and-coming hybrid which includes the best features of both words while avoiding the worst perils. It proved to be, for me, the perfect choice.

My mother has always been there for me. Whether here at home where she lives just a hop over the river and twenty minutes away, or out on the road somewhere, I knew I was in her prayers and thoughts. She has always been my role model for what I wanted my retirement to look like. Living independently, working on multiple projects at the same time, especially in the winter. Then when weather permits, packing a small suitcase and traveling around the country to visit relatives and friends in Illinois, Texas, Colorado, Arizona, and Oregon, and all roads in between. Her travels rarely followed a strict schedule, but they were often purpose-driven. There were many nieces and nephews graduating from high school and college each spring, new babies on the way, and a variety of reunions to join in. But of greater importance were those who needed her. Loved ones who were seriously ill, others undergoing surgery, and those who needed an emotional boost. Mom seems to always know who needs her and where she needs to be. She is the glue that holds our extended family together. She shares information among the family that keeps us all informed about how certain ones are doing and who needs some extra TLC. Most of us are poor letter writers (or now I suppose it would be e-mail writers). She serves a valuable role as family communications specialist. Without her, I fear the family groups would fragment and drift apart. She has always filled the role of cheerleader as well. She knows who is working on what projects and makes sure the rest of the family knows about it. She keeps regular prayer lists and prays for those in need. Among some family groups she has been rumored to walk on water. As her daughter I suppose I know her a little too well to share in that belief. However, I know that God uses her quite regularly to convey important information, boost spirits, and help others in ways that most of us will never fully understand. She prays for and shares what little she has with anyone she believes is in need; from public transportation drivers, to family members, to the stranger walking down the street. I have been fortunate enough to call her mother but she is so much more than that. She is also my cheerleader, a prayer warrior for all who know her and many who dont, and an advocate for anyone she believes has been mistreated.

My children; I could easily write an entire book (or several) about each of them but I will try to restrain myself. They have each grown into young adults that I am proud of, people I love to be around. They are parents now and I so enjoy watching them interact with their children. I cannot take full credit for the amazing adults they have become, but if I have had even the smallest influence then I am pleased and honored to know this. When I wonder about what my greatest impact on the world might be, I immediately think of them. They are each unique and different from each other, yet all share certain traits; intelligence, sense of humor, love of family, spirituality, and caring about others. I will probably not know until Ive passed on to the afterlife, the full impact they each have had but I am sure there will be positive ripple effects from each of them out into the world and this leaves me feeling grateful.

I was first diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in the spring of 2010. I recall a feeling of surreal numbness as I drove home from the clinic while my doctors words swirled around in my mind, metastatic lesion, malignancy, primary lung tumor, biopsy... I pushed them away, trying to focus on the road. The last thing I needed now was a car accident... Finally I pulled into my own driveway and stumbled through the front door. Thats when my knees gave way and I found myself on the floor, my thoughts a jumbled mess. I knew I wanted and needed to pray but felt so out of my depth, drowning, helpless, gasping for air. Finally, I abandoned all pretense of trying to formulate a normal prayer and simply confessed to God I dont know how to do this! Its just too much! Overwhelming! Im scared and helpless. I cant possibly do this without you!