Ruth Peters - Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control

Establish a Code of Values

Embrace DisciplineAnd Use It!

Dont Be a Peace-at-Any-Price Parent

Appoint Yourself Benevolent Dictator

Connect Consequences to Behavior

Establish Daily Expectations

Make Consequences Catastrophic

Have Zero Tolerance for Substance Use

Pick Your Battles Wisely

Become a Hands-On Parent

Dont Cave In to Other Families Rules

Dont Be Afraid to Snoop

Insist on Manners

Teach Empathy and Volunteerism

Get on the Same Page

Shut Up and Listen

Dont Reason with the Unreasonable

Make Praise Appropriate, Not Addictive

Grow the Rules with Your Child

Squelch Sibling Squabbles

Watch, Listen, and Take a Stand

Stand Up for School

Keep Your Cool

Banish the Bullies

Teach the Work Ethic

Acknowledgments

My appreciation to the thousands of families Ive worked with spanning 3 decadesfor the successes, tears, and laughs weve shared. From you Ive learned what makes kids tick, what drives parents nuts, and what really works to harmoniously bring families together.

A very special thank you to my literary agentJane Dystelwho is the real thing! And to my editors, Lou Cinquino and Stephanie Tadethanks for your belief in the wisdom and necessity of Laying Down the Law and your genuine concern for kids.

The Preamble to the 25 Laws of Parenting

G o f--- yourself! were Mitchells only words to me when I introduced myself in the waiting room of my office. Okay, I thought, weve got a live one here.

It took every ounce of self-control not to give him a quick back at you! Instead, I just took a deep breath and smiled. At least his rather direct salutation was a first. Im sure that over the years many kids have wanted to say that to me (or something along a similar vein), but have used restraint and kept it to themselves.

It was evident that this guy wasnt even going to try to con mehe was satisfied with letting me have it right between the eyes. Mom would have crawled into a crack in the floor if she could, but only shook her head and meekly tried to apologize for Mitchells rudeness.

Okay, what do we do now? Since he refused to come back to my personal office, I asked Mitchells mom and my secretary to wait in the file room, and I began to talk with him right there in the waiting room. At least the kid was verbalhe had no difficulty describing what a jerk his stepfather was and how his mom had turned out to be a wimp and a whiner. Mitchell also let me know that he was less than impressed with me. Few sentences were emitted without some commercial-grade cursing, and I was impressed with how many permutations of the f word he could come up with.

Cecelia, Mitchells mom, had recently found a copy of the Radical Diaries hidden in his closet, along with assorted baggies of what turned out to be a mixture of marijuana and nutmeg, various white powders mimicking cocaine, and a stash of semi-nude printouts of women obtained from the Internet. And this kid was only 13 and in the eighth grade! His list of crimes included changing grades on his latest report card, skipping school, and sneaking out of the bedroom window at night to meet his friends and smoke dope. When Mitchell was at school he displayed a very short fuseif a teacher chided him for yakking while she was teaching or for not turning in his homework, Mitchell would get in her face verbally. He was too smart to actually hit or push a teacher, but he had no qualms about sticking it to her with his words.

At home, though, Mitchell had become more physically aggressive in the past year. Pushing his younger brother around was a daily event, and Mom was considering sending her youngest to his fathers house to live until Mitchell was fixed. Even Cecelia was becoming afraid of this kid, as he would slam his bedroom door when frustrated or raise his fist at her in anger. But he never actually hit her. Oh no, not Mitchell. As an avid reader he had become somewhat of an expert in criminal lawespecially when it came to juvenile issues. He knew where he could draw the line and get away with it.

He was convinced that he could bully his Mom and little brother without consequence, since all that Mom did was yell or call his stepfather or threaten to send him to military school. Mitchell knew his mother well enough to be assured that these were idle threatsshe didnt have the guts to send him away, nor the money, and he was right. Step-Dad traveled, and it seemed that Mitchells outbursts occurred mainly when he was out of town and Mom was the one supposedly in charge.

Well, Mitchell was the one really running the show, and everyone knew it. Here was a 13-year-old kid, who I would have considered handsome had it not been for the pierced nose, Goth attire and perpetual scowl on his face, making his family miserable. And, as I came to understand through my talks with Mitchell, he wasnt particularly thrilled with life either. This kid really believed that his parents had it in for him and that nothing he had done, or was currently doing, played a role in their perception. The teachers were plotting against him, the preps and the jocks were just jerks, and if his folks would only leave him alone and let him make his own decisions, he would be okay.

Over the weeks Mitchell eventually came back to my private office to talk with me, and even though he consistently threatened his mother that this was going to be the last session, he always showed up at the next one. Go figure. He still cursed like a sailor, but after a while his life and his behavior began to make sense to me. This young man had inadvertently been allowed and therefore encouraged and trained to be disrespectful, nasty, and irresponsible.

This behavior began following his parents divorce, when Mom was so distracted with the financial and emotional stress that she caved in to almost all of Mitchells demands. Hed historically been a tough cookie, rather demanding and defensive, but once he saw that she was vulnerable, the boy went in for the kill. And he was a prolamenting that nobody liked him would usually get his Moms undivided attention and perhaps a trip to Toys R Us. Since they rarely saw their father, Mom felt sorry for both of her boys, and basically let them decide their bedtime, curfews, and the menu for the week. As Mom returned to work and was absent from the home in the afternoon, Mitchell became bolder. It wasnt unusual for him to invite friends over after school, even though no one was supposed to be allowed in the home without an adult present. He would let the answering machine take Moms futile messages rather than pick up the phone and have to listen to her whine or nag at him about breaking house rules.

Even his stepfather, David, had given up on the kid. As he was afraid of Child Protective Services becoming involved in the familys affairs, he adamantly refrained from disciplining Mitchell. David had long since reached the end of his rope and felt that if he entered into the arguments between Mitchell and Cecelia, he might become physical with the kid. To prevent that from happening, David either left the house or said nothing. Needless to say, the marital relationship was more than rocky, and now David had given his wife an ultimatumeither get Mitchells behavior under control, or he was out of there.