Patricia Eagle - Being Mean: A Memoir of Sexual Abuse and Survival

Copyright 2018 by Patricia Eagle

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

Published June 2019
Printed in the United States of America
Print ISBN: 978-1-63152-519-3
E-ISBN: 978-1-63152-520-9
Library of Congress Control Number: 2018953726

For information, address:
She Writes Press
1563 Solano Ave #546
Berkeley, CA 94707

Interior design by Tabitha Lahr

She Writes Press is a division of SparkPoint Studio, LLC.

The Invocation to Kali, Part 5. Copyright1971 by May Sarton, from COLLECTED POEMS 1930-1993 by Mary Sarton. Used by permission of W.W. Norton &\ Company, Inc.

Excerpts from Life-While-You-Wait from MAPS: Collected and Lost Poems by Wislala Szymborska, translated from the Polish by Stanislaw Baranczak and Clare Cavanagh. English translation copyright 2015 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.

Names and identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the privacy of certain individuals.

In this collection of stories from my life, I strive to tell the truth and wish no harm. I have been faithful to my memory and acknowledge that others may remember things differently. Some names have been changed. Many important people and experiences are not mentioned.

I am here.
I am here,
and the ground
is under my feet.
The sun and the stars
are holding in the sky.
And Now is
a prayr unfolding,
with no beginning
and no ending.

lyrics by Becky Reardon

To Eugene Webb,
who encouraged both tears and laughter
on my healing journey.

To all those with the courage
to trust being truthful.

by Kate Munger

by Kate Munger

Kate Munger founded the Threshold Choir, an international network of choral singers who sing for those at the thresholds of life. As of 2019, there are more than 220 chapters of the Threshold Choir around the world.

S exual abuse is extremely personal and so secret its often hard to recognize. Each situation is unique, and its antecedents are designed to confuse both the victim and those of us reading about it years later. Perpetrators count on that confusion to outlast the memories of their perverted acts. The aftermath of sexual abuse can lead to a life that is excruciating to live until it is finally understood and possibly forgiven or often just overcome.

In this book, Patricia Eagle heroically redefines vulnerability and transparency. Ive never read a book that exposes so much confusion, so many mixed up and simply bad decisions or mistakes that at the time seemed irreparable. Sometimes it does feel shocking that her honesty can be so unflinching and that is what will heal Patricia, each of us, and our ailing and complicit culture. I suggest that when you find yourself feeling Wow, thats too much, you stop, go deeper, and ask yourself to stack your courage up against Patricias. You may find new clarity both in understanding Patricias life and decisions, and possibly your own. I found that, while my own experience of sexual abuse was different from Patricias, I could detect in myself some significant vestiges of denial, of purposeful, defensive blindness, and of emotions long stuffed that were hard to call up again but valuable when I did.

The timing of this book is remarkable. The courageous #MeToo movement that began in 2017 has shocked our nation and our culture. Words we have not heard before are being said on TV, concepts and admiration we have collectively held are being shattered weekly. Patricias book contributes strongly to this movement, to these voices, to this hoped-for freedom for children, young people, women, and vulnerable people everywhere. Not only Patricias storytold in vignettes relative to markers of age and experiencebut also her choice of words help us heal, help us all become more able to say the word vagina instead of down there, and rape instead of so many other more vague, euphemistic words.

Patricia leaves clues everywhere, vital bread crumbs that show the challenging path to healing, through deep pits of perceived and actual danger and the cacophony of the terrified voices that dont want to compromise their own precarious safety by admitting the reality of abuse. Complicity is everywhere, at every level.

That Patricia can openly share the details of her life now is a testament to the tenacity of her mission, the depth of her healing, and to the strength of the love in her life. Hearing about her life coming finally to health and to fruition after over sixty years of exploration and struggle gives us hope that it can be done and that it is worth the intense hard work that healing requires.

Imagine the increased awareness of sexual abuse and its consequences if everyone read this book. Talking about sexual abuse at all ages can give our children and grandchildren and people of all ages the strength to scream and run, rather than submit to a powerful persons criminal touch, or worse.

Since youre holding this book in your hands already, I dont want to stand a minute longer in the way of your discovering for yourself what treasure is contained in this story. As you do, keep in mind Patricia knows, understands, and loves birds and the amazing realm of avian beings. She loves wings, feathers, and flight. That she can still love these beautiful creatures despite their being intertwined with her relationship with her father, her abuser, is an indication of the joy of healing that permeates this book. Dive right in, savor each lesson that Patricia endured, and spread your own wings as you celebrate Patricia Eagles courageous journey.

March, 2018

T his is a story about how my life was impacted by sexual abuse. It is a story about suppressing sexual abuse memories, having those memories surface, doubting them, then learning how to acknowledge and live with those memories in the healthiest ways possible.

Writing this book has been a crucial step in my healing process. Additionally, my intentions for writing this book are that anyone reading my book who has experienced, or is experiencing, sexual abuse will find more courage to seek help. I would like to help sexual abuse survivors learn to cope during the course of their lives, perhaps more carefully and thoughtfully than I did. Their choices, I hope, will include not forgettingwhen that is possibleand not agreeing to secrets, silence, and being shamed. Perhaps there is even the possibility that, as a result of this book, a potential or actual perpetrator will seek help on becoming aware of the harmful consequences his or her actions have on the lives of any victims.