David Stoop - The Emotionally Healthy Marriage: Growing Closer by Understanding Each Other

As we mentioned in chapter 1, SMART Love is based on five competencies: (1) becoming self-aware of your emotions; (2) managing your emotions; (3) accountability to yourself, your spouse, and others; (4) reading the other persons emotions; and (5) learning to live together in the land of emotions.

The first two competencies are skills we develop within ourselves; they are personal skills. The third relates to how comfortable we are emotionally with friends. The other two skills are interactive and interpersonal skills that we develop by building on the first three.

Below is an inventory to help you know how skillful you are at this point in experiencing and expressing SMART Love. Make a photocopy so you and your spouse can each take the inventory. (Note: You can also take the inventory free of charge at www.smartlove.us.)

This inventory will ask you to respond to a statement that describes your typical behavior. Take your time to get a clear picture of what the statement is saying, then answer as honestly as you can, thinking in terms of how you are most of the time. There are no never or always answers, so that makes it easier to think in terms of mostly .

As you respond to each statement, think of it in general terms. Dont think of it as describing something that happened in a specific situation two days ago.

The scoring is based on three responses. Make your choice by entering the number 3 for usually, 2 for sometimes, and 1 for seldom. In the first column, answer in terms of how you see yourself. In the second column, answer in terms of how you see your spouse.

The lowest possible total score is 40 points, and the highest possible score is 120 points. If you scored a total of 60 or less, you have your work cut out for you. You may even work hard at avoiding feeling emotions. If you scored between 60 and 90, youre somewhat comfortable with some emotions but avoid others. If you scored over 90, then you probably are comfortable with your emotional words and pretty much know the emotional landscape.

Now that youve scored your inventory, share all of your scores with your spouse. Remember, you are embarking together on the journey to develop SMART Love, so youre going to need to work through this process together.

However, be careful as you share how you scored each other. When you hear your spouses score and compare it to how you scored him or her, you may think, That cant be! Your spouse is probably thinking the same thing about your scores. So dont even go there! Its important to remember that everyone has a tendency to overestimate their own abilities when it comes to their emotions and to underestimate their spouses.

Following the example above, plot your scores on the graph on the next page, using one color to show how you scored yourself and a different color to show how your spouse scored you. Have your spouse do the same. For example, if you scored 19 on Self-Awareness, place a dot at the approximate value of 19. If you scored 15 on Managing Your Emotions, place a dot at the approximate value of 15. Do the same with Accountability, Reading the Other Persons Emotions, and Together in the Land of Emotions.