David Stoop - Forgiving What Youll Never Forget

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the nave forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

Thomas Szasz, MD

We each have our own unique set of beliefs about forgiveness. We have our qualifications about certain points, or our belief that some things are at least almost impossible to forgive. Lets examine our beliefs and understanding of forgiveness before we begin our examination of forgiving the unforgivable. Heres a short quiz that you can answer simply true or false.

Lets look at each of the statements posed above as true/false questions and how we answered them.

Statement 1: When forgiving, I should always try to forgive and forget.

The answer is false, though if you answered true, you are not alone in that belief. I am amazed at how persistent it is. Whenever I speak on this subject, a number of people come up and say something about how they have always believed they were supposed to forgive and forget. I think part of the reason is that many of us were taught this at a young age and it stuck. How often did our mom say to us, You just need to forgive that other child and forget about it? And for many of the things that happened to us as children, it probably worked. Its also an adage that has been around for centuries. In fact, through literature, we can date it back in England to at least the fourteenth century.

Our belief that forgiving includes forgetting can be reinforced by our theology. We have been taught that when God forgives, he forgets. The promise in Jeremiah 31:34, repeated several times in Hebrews, says, I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins (8:12; see also 10:17). In Psalm 103:12, David rejoices in the fact that God has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. Obviously, God does forgive and forget. The question then is, dont I want to become more like God? And if so, doesnt that mean I should eventually forgive as He does?

But how do spouses forget their partners unfaithfulness? How does a parent forget about the child who was murdered? Or how does an adult forget about the abuse he or she experienced as a child? Try as we may, we cant forget. We may want to forget, but we really shouldnt forget.

Let me give you a simple example. Lets say that Im speaking at your church for a weekend, and you like to talk to the guest speakers who visit your church. But you get very nervous thinking about it. Also imagine that you discovered one time by accident that if you stepped on the other persons foot and then apologized, your nervousness disappeared, so now you routinely step on the other persons foot, apologize, and then have a great conversation.

Now imagine that you have done this to me several times, and each time you have said youre sorry. And each time I have forgiven you. Im a slow learner, but finally I catch on, so the next time you come up to talk to me, I say, Stop. Thats close enough! You look hurt as you ask me, Whats wrong? I tell you, I know whats about to happen here. Youre the one that always steps on my foot when we talk. Now my foot hurts, and I dont want you to do it again. Youre shocked. You say to me, But, Dave, I thought you forgave me for those earlier times. And I assure you, I did, but I learned something about you, and I dont want you to step on my foot again. We can talk while you stand over there.

You see, I need to forgive and remember . The reason I need to remember is that you have a problem and I need to protect my foot. Why then can God forgive and forget? Basically because there is nothing he needs to learn in the process. He is omniscienthe knows everything. But I am not omniscientI dont know everythingso I need to learn as I go along.