Lucy Beresford - Happy Relationships At Home, Work & Play

McGraw-Hill Education

McGraw-Hill House

Shoppenhangers Road

Maidenhead

Berkshire

England

SL6 2QL

and Two Penn Plaza, New York, NY 10121-2289, USA

First published 2013

Copyright Lucy Beresford, 2013

All rights reserved. Except for the quotation of short passages for the purpose of criticism and review, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher or a licence from the Copyright Licensing Agency Limited. Details of such licences (for reprographic reproduction) may be obtained from the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd of Saffron House, 610 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS.

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

ISBN-13: 978-0-07-714591-0 (pb)

ISBN-10: 0-07-714591-7 (pb)

eISBN: 978-0-07-714591-0

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Printed by CPI Anthony Rowe, Chippenham, Wiltshire

Fictitious names of companies, products, people, characters and/or data that may be used herein (in case studies or in examples) are not intended to represent any real individual, company, product or event.

What is so brilliant aboutHappy Relationshipsis that by showing us the simple premise that healthy relationships are as much about valuing and respecting ourselves, as it is about valuing and respecting others, Lucy Beresford offers easy-to-understand advice on how we can all improve and enjoy better relationships, whether with friends, family, work colleagues or our partners.

Jo Hemmings, celebrity and behavioural psychologist, Psychologist on ITVs Daybreak

Happy Relationshipsis THE handbook for the 21st century mortal. With top tips, case studies and elegant writing from Lucy Beresford, the challenge of modern living is unpicked. Lucy addresses a myriad of human relationships from dealing with the office letch to the complicated world of social media. Eminently readableHappy Relationshipsis a book that will end up on everybodys shelf.

Jeni Barnett, TV & Radio Presenter

Lucy Beresford understands the complexities of human relationships better than anyone and explains how to fix them with clarity, wisdom and warmth.

Clare Longrigg, Editor, Psychologies

We tend to think that partner love is the key relationship in our life, but all the research shows that we need good relationships with a variety of people friends, family, colleagues to be truly fulfilled. Now at last there is a book that addresses all these pairings and suggests ways to make them happy and productive. As an agony aunt I receive many letters from readers who want support in their various relationships; I now know which book they should read!

Susan Quilliam, agony aunt, relationship coach and co-author of The Joy of Sex

Full of straightforward, sound advice that should be useful to many people. The section on couple relationships was particularly good and I liked the inclusion of internet and social media relationships.

Julia Buckroyd, Emeritus Professor of Counselling University of Hertfordshire, Honorary Fellow BACP and author of Understanding your Eating

Straight-talking and accessible,Happy Relationshipsachieves something rather clever. Lucy takes a variety of common problems we are likely to encounter at home, work, with children, family or friends and offers good, sound and sometimes, surprising, advice. A useful book to dip into when a friendship snags on the rocks.

Barbara Bloomfield, Relate Supervisor and author of The Relate Guide to Finding Love and Couple Therapy: Dramas of Love and Sex (forthcoming 2013)

For Jemima, Harvey, Martha and Anna

Lucy Beresford is a novelist, psychotherapist, and broadcaster. She works in private practice and at The Priory Hospital Roehampton and The London Psychiatry Centre. She is also the agony aunt for Psychologies magazine and appears regularly on national and international television and radio, talking about mental health and wellbeing. Her first novel, Something Im Not, was published by Duckworth. She has also had several short stories published and recorded for audio. She is currently working on her second novel, set in a psychiatric clinic in India.

Names and biographical details throughout this book have been changed for reasons of confidentiality

A huge thank you to the many people who have enriched my life and whose wisdom, one way or another, has found its way onto these pages, including:

Virginia Whetter, for numerous Whetterisms

Christine Campbell, Romey Chapman, John Costello, and Beverley Archdale, for clinical nourishment

My brilliant colleagues and friends at The Priory Hospital Roehampton and Psychologies magazine for teaching me so much

Laurel Remington, for being the best writing support ever

Thomas Johansen, for a mindful intervention

Zeeshan Tayyeb, for all things technological

Margaret and Chris Schofield, for opening their arms

Grace Dugdale, Den Patrick, and Beccy Reese, for keeping me on track

And Sally Willson and Karolina Siudzinska Barba, for keeping me sane

Special thanks go to my wonderful agent Juliet Pickering for her endless warmth, wisdom, and integrity, to my editor Monika Lee for her fabulous positive energy, to both for their fierce commitment to the book, and to all at McGraw-Hill who have helped usher it onto the shelves.

And above all, to Guy, for keeping the flame alight.

W hen you think about relationships, what springs to mind? Does your heart soar to reflect on your family putting a smile on your face at the start of the day, the colleagues you enjoy working with, the friends you care about and who bring out the best in you? Or, do you think of tangles and knots? Resentments or feuds? Errors in communication? Or feeling misunderstood? All over the world friends are falling out, colleagues seethe with unspoken conflicts, and families limp along trying to function the best they can.

How can this be? In the art of trying to get along with other people we have, we might argue, literally thousands of years of practice. We are, after all, exquisitely relational creatures. From the moment we are born, we rely on others for our survival. Later, we learn about life by observing and copying others, not just in terms of tasks eating food, cleaning our teeth, crossing the road but also in terms of our behaviour and coping strategies. Whether its our parents, our classmates, our colleagues or our friends, from conception onwards we exist in relation to others in the world. Relationships are the mood music of our lives.

And yet it is often those very same relationships that go on to give us the most agony in life. Life is full of stresses, and as Jean-Paul Sartre put it: to be human is to be anxious. We worry about our health, our career, our weight, our wrinkles. But eavesdrop now on conversations in the pub, on the bus, in your office, in the street, and youll find theres always someone talking about their latest relationship dilemma.