Elise Mac Adam - See Dick Bite Jane: A Think and Do Book for Parenting Predicaments Big and Small

Title Page

See Dick Bite Jane

A Think and Do Book for Parenting Predicaments Big and Small

Elise Mac Adam

Avon, Massachusetts

Copyright Page

Copyright 2010 by Elise Mac Adam

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any

form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are

made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-0229-3

ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0229-3

eISBN 10: 1-4405-0706-6

eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0706-9

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

Contents

Pregnancy and Infertility

Postpartum and New-Baby Etiquette

Grandparent (and General Relative) Etiquette

Nontraditional Families and Complicated Arrangements

Parenting Groups and Playdates

Parenting and Work

Doing Things Differently

Stay-at-Home Fathers and Male Caregivers

Nasty Kids, Competitive Parents, and Toxic Rivalries

Playground Etiquette

Friends, Families, and Faux Pas

Parties and Their Discontents

When Your Kid is Public Enemy Number 1

When Someone Else Takes Care of the Kid

Dealing in Tough Times

Introduction: See Mom Cope

When I started writing about etiquette, it was in the most obvious context: weddings. Everyone knows that there are certain ways youre expected to behave around nuptials, but no one is quite sure what they are and the combination of crazy family issues, rebelliousness, and hectic modern life mixed with formality can be overwhelming.

But I noticed, as I answered wedding questions, I was starting to hear from mothers-to-be and mothers. This was interesting because their questions were often not about a specific event, but about how to handle quotidian annoyances.

And thats how See Dick Bite Jane came to be. Putting the words kids and comportment together in a sentence sounds like a classic oxymoron, but this is not a true book of etiquette, nor is it a manual about how to make your children well-behaved angels. This is the book you pick up when you want to know how to cope with the petty humiliations and hair-raising moments that come along with just having them.

You may feel that your indignities are unique, but I promise, someone has seen it before. So take heart, find the chapter for your troubles, and know that theres a smart solution to your sticky situation inside.

Chapter 1. My Belly, My Magic 8-Ball

Pregnancy and Infertility

Considering how common procreation really is (its hard to get through your twenties without a rash of babies showing up), it is remarkable what a novelty getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant, and being pregnant are to the outside world.

Now your ability to bear children is topic A and people wont shut up. How do you keep your temper when youre asked for the zillionth time when youre going to get pregnant already? How can you parry your familys prodding when youre deep into infertility treatments? Once you are pregnant, is there some special response to offer when people tell you youre fat?

Whether youre knocked-up and your reproductive system is entertaining the world, or youre infertile and irascible, there are ways to get through most encounters without losing your mindor your cool.

Announcing ... Nothing

After endless listmaking, navel-gazing, and bank-balance contemplation, you and your partner have decided to go for it and have a baby. Youve got to spread the news!

Or do you?

This may be an enormous paradigm shift, but unless youre already knocked up, you dont actually have any newsaside from the fact that youre trying. This announcement is a call to action, so dont take the decision to share lightly. Make it and friends will raise an eyebrow every time you order coffee. Youll have to discuss (however obliquely) your fertility and sex life. And what if an afternoon with your nephews encourages you to shelve the procreation business? How will you explain that?

This doesnt mean you cant discuss your decision. Just be aware of the fact that this will be the thing everyone wants to talks about. All. The. Time. Making an announcement like this is akin to throwing a snowball off a mountain. It could become an avalanche.

Whats even more unfortunate? If you have no particular kid plans, youll still get nagged incessantly. The barrage of When are you going to start having baaaa-bies? questions starts once you hit your mid-twenties, and kicks into high gear after you get married (often during the wedding reception!).

If you dont want kids or dont want to discuss your plans, this questioning is extraordinarily annoying, and hard to shut down since the primary culprits are mothers and mothers-in-law, who feel entitled to this information. The key here is to disengage rather than offer up reasoned, logical arguments for good planning. Just toss them a jolly: If I have news, Ill let you know.

And then you can move onto easier subjects like politics and religion.

Etiquette in Action

Dear Elise,

My husband and I decided to stop using birth control. I was going to write that we decided to have a baby, but he went out and told his friends about our plans and they all agreed having a baby would be a huge mistake and his life would be over. Now he wants to travel to India and study stuff. Can I call up his pals and yell at them?

Pissed Off and Still Off the Pill

Dear PO,

Did your husband honestly think his compatriots would applaud and buy him a drink or two upon hearing your plans?

It wont do any good to get mad at his idiot friends. That just plays into an unfortunate shrewish wife stereotype. Instead, point out to him that there are virtually no decisions he could tell his buddies about that they would agree on. They probably had the same reaction when he told them you were engaged. Then you can ask him what he suddenly wants to study abroad and pry into his anxiety a bit. Get him to be specific about his freak out. Having kids is terrifying, so dont dismiss his fears. Ultimately, you may need to put your kid schedule on hold for a bit until you get to the bottom of his angst. But make sure your husband knows that unilaterally making or changing life plans when hes drunk and impressionable wont fly in the future.

Etiquette in Action

Dear Elise,

It took us so long to decide to have kids that I broadcast it to the world once I finally got off the fence. Now everyone is asking if Im pregnant yet and wondering if I should be drinking tea or having a glass of wine. Im losing my mind. I know I brought this on myself but what am I supposed to do?