Ellis Weiner - Yiddish with Dick and Jane

This book is a parody and has not been prepared, approved, or authorized by the creators or producers of the Dick and Jane reading primers for children. Copyright 2004 by Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman Illustrations copyright 2004 by Gabi Payn Dick and Jane is a registered trademark of Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review. Little, Brown and Company Hachette Book Group 237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017 Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com The Little, Brown and Company name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc. ISBN: 978-0-316-02555-3 Book Design by Meryl Sussman Levavi See Jane.

Jane is married to Bob. Jane loves Bob very much. Bob is a real mensch. Jane and Bob have two children. Their names are Katie and Scott. They do well in school and help take care of Max and Whiskers.

What good kids we have, say Jane and Bob. Kina-hora. Jane shows Bob and the kids the pretty purse she bought for Ellens birthday. Ellen is Janes best friend. I wanted to get something nice for Ellen, says Jane. Jane works in real estate. Jane works in real estate.

Today is Sunday. Jane has an Open House. She must schlep the Open House signs to the car. See Jane schlep. Schlep, Jane. Schlep, schlep, schlep. Bob takes Katie and Scott to visit Janes mother. Schlep, schlep, schlep. Bob takes Katie and Scott to visit Janes mother.

Katie and Scott visit Grandmother a lot. She has been feeling ibbledick lately. See Stanley. He is Janes boss. He comes to the Open House. He puts fresh flowers and scented candles everywhere.

He is a shtikl artistic and just has that gift. Jane likes Open Houses. She likes meeting new people. She even likes the shnorrers who come just to nosh. Nosh, shnorrers, nosh. Nosh, nosh, nosh.

Bob and Katie and Scott arrive at Grandmothers house. They ring the bell and wait for Bubbe to open the door. Gornisht. They ring again. And again. And again. Takeh gornisht.

Bob finds the spare key under the mat. He opens the door. Oy gevalt! Jane goes to see Ellen. Jane gives Ellen her birthday present. Mazel tov, Ellen! says Jane. What a beautiful purse! says Ellen.

I cannot accept this, Jane. Es gezunterheyt, Ellen, insists Jane. Ellen brings out coffee and Entenmanns. They nibble and kibbitz for a while. Bob and Katie and Scott sit by Grandmother. They wait for the ambulance.

Father, asks Katie, will Bubbe be okay? Of course, Katie, says Bob. She is just a little tsedoodelt. They hear the siren outside. The paramedics tanz themselves in. The paramedics examine Grandmother. Nu? asks Bob.

The paramedics put Grandmother onto a stretcher. One paramedic looks at Bob. Nisht geferlich, says the paramedic. The paramedics carry Grandmother to the ambulance. They drive her to the hospital. Bob takes out his cell phone to call Jane.

When your mother hears this she will plotz, says Bob. Bob tells Jane the news. Your mother is not in pain, Jane, says Bob. But she is slightly tsedreyt in kop. See Dick. Dick is Janes brother.

Dick is playing golf with Tom. He borrows Toms sand wedge. Tom is Dicks oldest chaver. Tom and Dick play golf with Frank and Steve. Dick wants Frank and Steves business. See Dick schmooze. Schmooze, Dick. Schmooze. Schmooze, schmooze, schmooze. Schmooze, schmooze, schmooze.

Dick gets a call on his cell phone. It is Jane. I am schmoozing on the golf course, Jane, says Dick. Can I call you back? No, Dick, says Jane. We have tsuris. Oy vey, Jane, says Dick. Jane also leaves a message for her sister, Sally. Jane also leaves a message for her sister, Sally.

Sally teaches a course in Transgressive Feminist Ceramics. She lives in Berkeley. She might as well be in Hotzeplotz