Iain Hollingshead - Am I Missing Something...: Unpublished Letters from the Daily Telegraph

Unpublished Letters to
The Daily Telegraph

EDITED BY
IAIN HOLLINGSHEAD

First published in 2013

by Aurum Press Ltd, 7477 White Lion Street, London N1 9PF

www.aurumpress.co.uk

This eBook edition first published in 2013

All rights reserved

Copyright 2013 Telegraph Media Group Limited

Introduction copyright 2013 Iain Hollingshead

The right of Iain Hollingshead to be identified as editor of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly

eBook conversion by CPI Group

Digital Edition: 978-1-78131-208-7
Softcover Edition: 978-1-78131-161-5

ISBN 978 1 78131 208 7

SIR Ive been reading your latest collection of unpublished readers letters and I have some suggestions. Firstly, please can I have the job of reading all the letters when they first arrive? I would, of course, work for nothing and pay all my own expenses.

Secondly, could you start a franchise campaign whereby only people who contribute to the letters section of the paper are allowed to vote in general elections?

Brian Hill
Winnersh, Berkshire

Now that these books are in their fifth year, some of my more cynical friends have taken to asking if I make up any of the wonderful letters which appear in them. Im never sure whether to be offended that they think Id stoop to such subterfuge or flattered that they consider me capable of inventing such a range of wise and waggish opinions. The truth is that a decent letter to the editor of the Telegraph is almost impossible to fake. The genuine article can be spotted at 100 paces a unique combination of well-turned wit and whimsy, worldliness and world-weariness, learning and light-heartedness, which always leaves you wondering just how firmly the tongue is pressed against the cheek this time.

You might expect a pedestrian letter-writer to have produced some mundane opinions this year on topics such as Wimbledon, the Pope, gay marriage, equine lasagne, the rise of Ukip and the birth of the future king (or the birth of Pippa Middletons nephew, as some picture editors would no doubt rather caption it). Only Telegraph correspondents would write to share the fact that their gardener thought they were watching pornography when he heard the shrieks of the ladies semi-final; that Farage means something crude in Malay; that the Popes resignation statement contained a split infinitive or that the Duchess of Cambridge should get a move on as the interminable speculation was spoiling the Ashes. And who knew that so many readers not to mention their mothers had met Sir Patrick Moore?

Our correspondents never cease to surprise and delight. It is true that some hail from Tunbridge Wells and that some, on occasion, show disgust. Yet theyre much more likely to be baffled, bemused, furious or downright outrageous. Many are hilariously unreserved when it comes to revealing the eccentric details of their private lives. All share an ability to use language not just as a means of communication, but as a tool for play. Innovative signs-offs this year include yours filthily, yours in a tizz (over Stephen Fry, inevitably), and, perhaps my favourite, Cruda viridisque senectus indeed!.

The letters are so well and so warmly written that it is a pleasure to return to their writers company every summer and see what theyve made of the years events. It certainly provides an excellent lesson in the geography of the United Kingdom. In the unlikely event that I ever wanted to go on Mastermind, I would choose letter-writers villages and their counties as my esoteric specialist subject. After a few years study I can, without too many passes, match Norton Juxta Twycross to Warwickshire, Smeeton Westerby to Leicestershire, Rhosllanerchrugog to Wrexham (though Im not sure I could spell it) and perhaps most apt, Yelling to Cambridgeshire.

To all our correspondents, whether in London SW3 or Hoghton Bottoms, Lancashire, my grateful thanks, as well as to Christopher Howse, Caroline Buckland, Matt Pritchett, Graham Coster and everyone at Aurum. Im especially grateful to Arthur House, who has expertly mined many thousands of emails, sifting the wheat from the even better wheat, and without whom the book would not have been possible.

Am I missing anything ? Ah yes, a title for next year. Ive recently enjoyed some entertaining correspondence with readers sharing their suggestions. One problem is that every time I think weve found a good one, I check on Amazon and, worryingly, its already been taken by Jeremy Clarkson. This year, after writing the first paragraph of the introduction, I thought Id stumbled upon a corker: You Couldnt Make it Up. And you know what? You couldnt its already been used by the illustrious combination of Richard Littlejohn and Jeremy Kyle.

Back to you. I cant wait to see what you come up with next year.

Iain Hollingshead
London SW1
August 2013

SIR I am a 78-year-old widower and wanted some company during my latter years, so I looked at several dating agencies. Not wanting wham, bam, thank you, maam, I decided on the Telegraph Dating Service.

I had a couple of dates for which there was no chemistry. The next one, however, was totally different and very exciting. I informed my son of the result. The next time he visited he said, Dad, I have brought these for you and handed me two condoms.

I replied to the effect that I had previously undergone a prostate operation and did not require them.

He said: Dad, get up to date, you dont need them for that, but in todays world you have to be very wary of STDs.

Later I was working in my garden and suddenly became somewhat peeved that he thought I would require only two when he knew I was away for several days with this younger lady. So I called and asked him why.

He immediately burst into laughter and replied, Well, just in case you lost one.

John Ford

Ipswich, Suffolk

PS Please publish this as it makes me laugh every time I think about it, but under a pseudonym, otherwise I will be in deep trouble.

SIR A friend of mine, an 80-year-old widow, tells me she receives birth control pills from the NHS as they help her sleep. Curious about this hitherto unknown side effect, I enquired how they work. She said she grinds them up and puts them in her granddaughters orange juice.

Nicholas Betts-Green

Woodbridge, Suffolk

SIR I dont know if any of your readers have ever played reverse strip Scrabble: everybody sits naked, but if you make a five-letter word you can put on a piece of your clothing.

That, however, was years ago and now at the age of 67, we play with the traditional rules.

Martin Thurston

Liphook, Surrey

SIR Your item today, Really, we want cuddles is most apt. I am nearly 80 and my partner is not far behind. I can assure you that we greatly enjoy our cuddles and have lots of them.