Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe - Parenting Hell: The Hilarious Christmas Treat For Tired Parents Everywhere

Previous books include:

Watching Neighbours Twice a Day... by Josh Widdicombe

A Class Act by Rob Beckett

First published in the UK by Blink Publishing

An imprint of Bonnier Books UK

4th Floor, Victoria House, Bloomsbury Square, London, WC1B 4DA

Owned by Bonnier Books

Sveavgen 56, Stockholm, Sweden

Hardback 978-1-788707-46-6

Trade Paperback 978-1-788707-45-9

Ebook 978-1-788707-48-0

Audio 978-1-788707-49-7

All rights reserved. No part of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or circulated in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission in writing of the publisher.

A CIP catalogue of this book is available from the British Library.

Designed by Envy Design Ltd

Illustrations Shutterstock

Printed and bound by Clays Ltd, Elcograf S.p.A

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Copyright Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe, 2022

Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe have asserted their moral right to be identified as the authors of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Every reasonable effort has been made to trace copyright holders of material reproduced in this book, but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to hear from them.

By sending in questions for Parenting Hell, contributors have agreed that their contribution can be edited, published and/or broadcast by Bonnier Books UK and that they consent to the use of their limited personal information, first name, city and county, being used in the book.

Blink Publishing is an imprint of Bonnier Books UK

www.bonnierbooks.co.uk

Contents

Josh: This book is for Rob Beckett, you could never do anything to annoy me

Rob: This book is for Adam Hills and Alex Brooker, the real stars of The Last Leg

Josh: The first thing we need to make clear is that this book is not a guidebook to being a parent. As you will find if you read on, we do not know what we are doing.

Rob: As this book isnt a guidebook, we would encourage you not to take anything we say as advice or the okay to do it yourselves. We take no legal responsibility for what we say being enacted by parents. Please dont do anything we did. We really dont have a clue.

Josh: Despite this book offering no tips or guidance, we are confident if you have kids or want to have them then what follows will make your life better. Specifically, itll reassure you that you arent the worst parent in the world and whatever doubts you have, it could be much worse you could be me or Rob. This is simply the story of two blokes who thought life was really easy and then had two kids each and realised it was absolutely impossible, and from what I can tell, this is the experience of almost every parent. There are loads of books out there that tell you what you are doing as a parent is wrong, but this is the one that says itll probably be all right anyway. I have a daughter and a son and Rob has two daughters to prove it. You dont need to have listened to our podcast, Parenting Hell, to enjoy this; you just need to know that we try our best as parents and it really isnt good enough.

Rob: Josh and I first met when we were in our twenties. Josh was this super-talented comedian with brilliantly well-crafted jokes who won all the new act competitions. I was a young gobby kid from south-east London desperate to make it in comedy so I naturally fucking hated this funny bastard. Josh would always arrive late to gigs with this big floppy hair like a Dulux dog. He would be super-nervous and would display his nerves by manically clapping his right hand, slapping his fingertips into his palms at an incredible rate. While this bizarre action was happening, he would dip his tiny little left hand into a pint of iced water and put his wet fingers on to his face, pulse points and the back of his neck. Then this absolute mess of a bloke would go onstage and smash the gig. I couldnt understand how someone that good could get so worked up pre-show.

Ive seen plenty of shit acts that should get that worried about gigging, but Josh didnt need to; he had the skills to pay the bills. That was proven when, while we were still doing gigs for 30 in Soho basements, he won a televised comedy competition called FHM Stand-Up Hero. The prize money was 10,000, so he basically became the Jeff Bezos of comedy overnight. I was already jealous of Joshs career success, so when he signed with the best comedy agents in the business, Off The Kerb, and became a thousandaire (thats the one below millionaire, right?), I was absolutely ravaged by green-eyed envy. We gigged together after he won the competition and I was reminded that he earned the big bucks when he walked in with a see-through Apple carrier bag containing a 2,000 MacBook Pro laptop.

Josh: Even I am now thinking that was the action of a total wanker.

Rob: I thought to myself, here he comes, Mr Moneybags with his glory and wares. He was also the resident compere on a Sunday at my local comedy club, Up the Creek, and he was doing tour support for Alan Carr, one of my favourite comedians. I fucking hated Josh back then. The worst part about it was that Josh was so humble and such a good bloke. Theres nothing more sickening than wanting to hate someone and they dont give you any proper ammo to justify it. Its just your own internal frustration and demons working against you while hes in the Apple Store dropping two bags on a laptop.

Josh: Initially, I had presumed Rob was a knob, my first taste of him being a message he put on a Facebook group to say he could no longer do a gig because he had won Leicester Square Comedian of the Year and so was too much of a big shot (he denies this, but it is 100 per cent true). However, over time, I grew to think he was one of the good guys despite the fact he ended every set by saying Be lucky! like he was a Victorian chimney sweep and was delighted every time we were put on a panel show together. Particularly as it meant I had to say far less than I usually would as he would talk for the whole recording. And this was lucky as for a period we were on every show on TV together, be it 8 Out of 10 Cats or an episode of Mock the Week in which Romesh Ranganathan made the insane decision to wear a red leather shirt (Romesh denies this, but it is 100 per cent true).

Rob: That is 100 per cent complete bollocks. I never put that message on a Facebook group. Im sure I thought it and told people but never wrote it on a Facebook group. Come on, you never leave a paper trail thats rule number one. Romesh wearing a red leather shirt is true though, but in his defence, I dont think he realised it was leather until we pointed it out before the show started, which was great for his confidence.

Josh: Particularly as he is a vegan.

Rob: Josh gave me excellent advice when I started doing panel shows, which was make sure you laugh at everything the other comedians say. That way you get used loads in the edit as they always need a shot of the comedians laughing. Most of the time the other comedians arent laughing as they are having a panicked look at their notes to try and get the next laugh.