Pat Byrnes - Because Im the Child Here and I Said So: A Joke Book for Parents (Because You Need a Laugh!)

To Rebecca.
May you never recognize your mommy and daddy in this book.Because Im the Child Here and I Said So copyright 2006 by Pat Byrnes. All rights reserved. Printed in China. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Missouri 64106. Five of the cartoons in this book originally appeared in The New Yorker. E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-8954-0 Library of Congress Control Number: 2005932616 www.andrewsmcmeel.com This book is no mere collection of silly cartoons.

No, good parent, it is a serious manual for modern child rearing, however cleverly disguised. Though it was initially devised as a practical resource for my own (fairly recent) foray into parenthood, it should serve equally well any other parent, new or advanced, seeking the clearest, most concise instruction available amid an ever-proliferating array of options. This is not to slight the volumes devoted to parental instruction. They are indeed vital to modern child care. You see, we live in an age of not only scientific, but also highly competitive, parenting. The right book can make all the difference.

It could hold that elusive secret that might possibly, maybe, if were lucky, give us the edge over that brats parents down the block. To risk being without it could bring embarrassing failure from which our children might never recover. More importantly, neither would we. Because our children are, after all, a reflection of ourselves. God help them! The books, no matter how they disagree on the particulars, all say essentially the same thing: Youre doing it wrong. That is, if you dont do it their way.

As if the slightest deviation will cause your child to explode. Or, worse, lose ten IQ points. Their primary purpose, from what I can gather, is to make us hopelessly paranoid parents, crippled by feelings of inferiority and utterly dependent upon buying more and more books. So I present this book as an antidote to the others. Oh, it says basically the same thingYou are doing it wrongbut only if you are doing it this way. None of these cartoons show the way we are parenting.

Rather, they depict the way we see other parents doing it, but are too polite to correct. So sit back and enjoy a parenting book for once, free of that nagging sense of inferiority. Savor the comforting, long-overdue balm of acknowledged superiority. And restore all that sapped self-confidence in raising happy, healthy children. I guarantee it will be worth at least ten IQ points. Cant you up his dosage or something? I mean, hes still daydreaming. A birthday party? Didnt we already do that kind of crap with your older sister? Im sorry, Tommy, youve been voted out. Think of all the obese children in America. They make clear duct tape now, so its hardly even noticeable. I couldnt find a sitter, so I got a video. Your mother and I just dont feel we were cut out to be parents. Your mother and I just dont feel we were cut out to be parents.

But youre still free to stay with us. Hows Mommys little disappointment? Because Im the child here and I said so. Have that Ritalin ready. I said I wanted to learn the banjo. What did you do? Average?! You mean he has a learning disability? Im sorry, sweetie, but not this weekend. Can I go outside and play? Just kidding. Can I go outside and play? Just kidding.

Whats on TV? Hed threatened me with the belt before, but I must have really ticked him off to get the pants as well. Can you hold? I want to tuck in my kids on the other line. Put down what and play with who? I burned out on stimulation at thirteen months.