Alison Lake - Living Off Balance

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Lachesis Publishing
www.lachesispublishing.com

Copyright 2007 by Alison Lake

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This book has been my most difficult writing project to date, and I could not have accomplished it without the lifelong support and love of family and friends. My parents and sister have witnessed my journey with depression and seen both sides. They have loved and supported me through every phase, especially in my down periods and impulsive moments. My extended family has been unwavering in its love and cheerleading. I want to thank Robert Marienau for his friendship and professional guidance. Catherine Tudor of One Woman's Writing Retreat has been a loyal supporter of my writing pursuits, a welcome source of insight on writing and emotion, and a friend. I appreciate the time and candor of the wonderful people who contributed their thoughts and quotes to this project. Tyler Kremp was a bottomless well of insight and empathy. I thank Jacqueline Druga-Johnston, my first editor, for believing in this book, and to Jeremy Seffens for his careful attention to the final product. And, finally, I am eternally grateful for my beautiful children, Brendan and Bethany, for making me smile every day.

I write this book as both therapy and a way to share. Many times, I wished I could explain my experiences to someone who knew exactly what I was talking about. Those experiences will be found in these pages. People with a lifelong chemical imbalance live with the condition every day, and know that life is somewhat different for them. No more difficult or special than anyone else's challenges. Nevertheless, unless a friend could walk in their shoes one day or witness it firsthand, these people's challenges are rarely understood. Ralph Waldo Emerson's claim that everyone beholds his human condition with a degree of melancholy is true. In a depressed person, this melancholy can be exaggerated and harmful.

In Living Off Balance, I speak of clinical depression from my own perspective, while I incorporate other people's experiences and research on mental illness. I dislike the word depression because I see it as a misnomer in some ways. For me, what is known medically as depression is more an imbalance or deficiency of the right brain chemicals than a constant sadness. Depression looks slightly different in each unique person. In my case, it has manifest as an imbalance that must be carefully controlled by the right medication and lifestyle. I am not by nature a sad person. In fact, I have more blessings in my life than I ever could have imagined, and often have a smile on my face. Every day, I thank God for my health, my loved ones, my work, and the talents I was born with. Yet, in moments with the right combination of circumstances, I can feel as dark as if I just lost someone I loved. It's horrible. Nighttime and cloudy days worsen the feeling, and I can feel as if my life will never get better. While I go through it, I feel confused, but know intellectually that the cause for my depression is not wholly circumstance but the body and genes I was born with. Thank God I have been able to lessen and often remove these instances completely. On the other hand, their possibility always looms.

Since childhood, chemical imbalance has been part of my life. It always will be, yet it took me thirty years to accept this fact. When I am not depressed, which is most of the time, I often deal with anxiety and a feeling of being wound-up. Even as my family accepts this reality and handles it with sympathy and ongoing support, I often feel like an anomaly among family and friendswhether they know it or not. Various people I know have gone on and off medications to deal with rough periods in their lives. But I don't know anyone in my small circle with the same need as I haveto stay on an anti-depressant for the rest of my life. (I don't anticipate a cure!) Although I don't feel sorry for myself, it bothers and frustrates me at times, especially when medication doesn't remove all the symptoms and I have to work so hard to keep balanced.

Of course, not everyone is willing to be open about this experience, and many people with the same problem keep it under wraps. I can't, because keeping poisonous feelings inside prevents me from releasing them. At my worst, depression saps me like the illness it really is, although, thankfully, it no longer lasts more than a couple of days, and that only a handful of times per year. But even if it visits me for just an afternoon, I often need to take a nap and ignore the phone as it rings. I cancel social engagements and stay home from the store. I become a temporary recluse. It's very challenging to avoid crying. Luckily, this doesn't undermine my professional life. My closest family and friends have become accustomed to the occasional hysterical phone call where I can hardly get my words outI am crying so hard. I have struggled with this since my early teens. I used to hope it would go away completely, but now I know it never will. As for my children, I would rather they not witness those moments.

Like any other chronic, yet manageable, illnessdiabetes, thyroid imbalance, arthritisdepression does not have to impair or preclude a normal life. In my case, it's time to express, in full, its impact on my existence. I hope my words can reach out to other readers with a similar experience, and possibly bring comfort and friendship to those who are in the process of acknowledging or treating a mental illness, whether it is depression, anxiety, or both.

I am not as familiar with other mental conditions, such as schizophrenia or mania, although at times, I have noticed slight manic feelings. Usually, it manifests in impulsive behavior and unfounded optimism. Thankfully, I have never been hospitalized; I have never tried to commit suicide. I was fortunate to grow up in an extremely loving, supportive family. However, I have a window into the experiences of people whose experiences have been different and/or more severe, and can empathize with the sense of having no control over one's emotions and reactions. I am thankful that most conditions of depression and anxiety are treatable with a combination of medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, and a good support system. There is still so much to learn about mental illness, which has been recognized in people since early times. Every day is a step toward better understanding its effect on our quality of life and behavior, and the lives of people around us.