Andy Stanley - When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family

W HEN W ORK AND F AMILY C OLLIDE
P UBLISHED BY M ULTNOMAH B OOKS
12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200
Colorado Springs, Colorado 80921

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica Inc.TM Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. Scripture quotations marked ( NASB ) are taken from the New American Standard Bible. Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org).

eISBN: 978-1-60142-396-2

Copyright 2002, 2003, 2011 by Andy Stanley

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.

M ULTNOMAH and its mountain colophon are registered trademarks of Random House Inc.

Previously published as Choosing to Cheat.

The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is on file with the Library of Congress.

v3.1

For Bob Walker,

Father of my wife
Grandfather of my children
Example to me

S everal years ago my wife, Margaret, and I were having dinner with Andy Stanley and his wife, Sandra, as he shared with us his vision for our church. It was a pivotal moment for the leaders and congregation of North Point Community Church, because we had once again outgrown our space. Andy was already preaching twice on Sundays, and it had been suggested that the church start a Saturday night service. As he shared with us that night his hesitation about cutting into his family time on Saturdays, I once again saw the heart and wisdom of this godly man.

Week after week, using the Bible as his guide, Andy teaches and confronts his congregation with the important challenges we all face. One of those challenges is finding a balance between work and family responsibilities. And in this book he eloquently addresses the issue. He asks us: Is there a more important subject than this? Andy believes that for leaders, professionals in all industries, pastors, teachers, homemakers, and parents, the issue is the samewe have a critical need to bring balance to our lives.

Andy asks the tough questions and then gives us some answers about how we can go about accomplishing what may be lifes greatest challengeachieving our goals outside the home when faced with the crucial task of partnering and parenting at home. How can we be successful without sacrificing our relationships with those closest to us?

Andys answers are biblical, practical, and extremely relevant to our modern way of life. He doesnt pull any punches. He confronts us with truth and transparency. Just as he has made a commitment in his own life to balance his family time with his work, he encourages us to make similar commitments.

This is a life-changing book. And one of the main reasons its life-changing is that a godly man who makes choices in his own life to never sacrifice his family for success has written it. If he wins the world but loses his family, what has he gained?

Every couple, every parent, and every leader needs to read this book and consider the question: Who wins when my family and work collide?

Dr. John C. Maxwell

Founder, The John Maxwell Company

Best-selling author of The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership

F or almost everyone, the word cheating has negative connotations, especially if youve ever been cheated. Students cheat in school. Adults cheat on their income taxes. Husbands cheat on their wives. Most of us have cheated in a card game or two.

But allow me to use this unpleasant word in a broader sense. Try thinking of it as simply choosing to give up one thing in hope of gaining something else of greater value.

By that definition theres no doubt were all cheaters. Daily we decide to shortchange one thing in order to more fully experience another. Its especially true with our schedules. We face a variety of responsibilities and opportunitieswork, family, hobbies, clubs, sports. The list is endless. Each competes for our attention. Each competes for our most valuable resource: our time. But to give each the time it demands or deserves would require more time than any of us have.

So we cheat. We give up certain opportunities for the sake of others. We invest in some relationships while neglecting others. We allocate our time the best we can, knowing all the while that somebodys going to feel cheated. Unfortunately, that somebody is usually someone we care a great deal about.

Which brings me to the point of this little book.

Ive spent hundreds of hours with men and women whove cheated their families for the sake of their career goals. They all admitted knowing there was a problem. They all tried in their own way to dissipate the tension. But they felt trapped. Over time they dreaded coming home. The reception was cold. The conversation was filled with sarcasm used to hide the pain. The discomforts of home drove many to work even longer hours. Others went to the gym. Some to the bar. A few found comfort in the arms of co-workers or friends.

Eventually things unraveled to the point that they had no choice but to seek help. For most there was an event, a wake-up call: Suddenly their kids had withdrawn. Overnight someones grades had dropped off. Out of nowhere she was more interested in tennis than the family. Without explanation intimacy evaporated. But in each case, these were symptoms of something that had been brewing for quite some time.

We all wrestle with the tension between work and family. Regardless of which side of the equation youre on, you know what its like to deal with the endless cycle of guilt, anger, jealousy, and rejection. Left unattended, these seething emotions have the potential to erode the foundations of even the strongest marriages.

But theres a solution. Strangely enough, the solution is similar to the problem. Both involve cheating, in that broad sense of giving up one thing to gain something else. Simply put, you must choose to cheat at work rather than at home.

In , well focus on the dynamic created in the heart of a spouse or child who feels cheated.

Then in well develop a strategy for change. The principles in these final five chapters are drawn largely from the life of a young man who found himself with a dilemma similar to ours. The primary difference being that his life, not merely his livelihood, was on the line.

When Work and Family Collide