ME Pearl - Pearls of Wisdom: Advice from a Dead Squirrel Who Knows Everything

PEARLS OF

WISDOM

Advice from a Dead Squirrel Who Knows Everything

ME PEARL

with

GEORGETTE SPELVIN

Pearls of Wisdom: Advice from a Dead Squirrel Who Knows Everything

Copyright 2022 by ME Pearl Enterprises

Photography contributions by Madeleine Rosenthal and Martin Cohen Photography.

Illustration contributions by Debbie Mitchell.

Cover and interior design by Rain Saukas.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be sent by email to Apollo Publishers at . Apollo Publishers books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotional use. Special editions may be made available upon request. For details, contact Apollo Publishers at info@apollopublishers.com.

Visit our website at www.apollopublishers.com.

Published in compliance with Californias Proposition 65.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021939430

Print ISBN: 978-1-954641-02-0

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-954641-03-7

Printed in the United States of America.

Contents

This book is dedicated to the memory of Babycakes Rowe, through whom Pearl discovered the sensational nature of her Sacred Self, and to the scores of dedicated and selfless wildlife rehabilitators who take their work too seriously to want their names connected to this book.

Bless you all.

Part One

Getting to Know You

Georgettes Welcome

Hello and wel come t o our world. What an extraordinary experience for us to have you here.

Hang in for the duration. Youll be glad you did. This book is coauthored by myself, Georgette Spelvin, and a ferociously fun and fabulous little squirrel, Pearl de Wisdom. Were used to having guests for an afternoon now and then. Sometimes they stay late. Sometimes they leave early, sometimes through the bathroom window. Theres no accounting for taste.

The advantage of short visits is that you can shove whats unsightly under the bed, metaphorically speaking. With longer visits, like this book, youre going to need some of that stuff, and retrieving it can be dodgy.

Dont misunderstand, we want you here. Very much. Especially Pearl Squirrel, who has no shame and is always on the prowl for fresh blood. Dont be alarmed. Thats just one of her colorful phrases.

Let me tell you about Pearl, who, for better or worse, is my muse. Early on, Pearl developed an avid interest in world events and walnuts. She cared about art, literature, history, hickory, high finance, philosophy, filberts, anthropology, paranormal psychology, and peanuts. Pearl excels in all forms of academia and macadamia.

It would be to your advantage to make nice with Pearl. When each of us passes through the veil to the other side, its entirely possible that shes right and we pass directly to her. I hope not, but il faut faire attention . Shes a noxious little twit and can be vindictive if not appeased. Dont be alarmed. Forewarned is forearmed, and thats what this book is all about. So, congratulations on acquiring it.

Pearls Welcome

Congratulations!

You have been deemed worthy to enter, explore, and be exploited in the wonderful world of ME, Pearl de Wisdom, the one and only ascended dead squirrel. You only need one. This is the world of Preposterosity, and youll need to remind yourself of that frequently.

Ive been alternately characterized as saint, goddess, fuzzy wuzzy widdle wodent, and purveyor of the best damn snake oil on the market. Take a moment to relax and bask in gratitude. Imagine soft, soothing music playing on K-YOU radio.

The best news youll get today, other than if your blood tests come back and you got away with your hedonistic lifestyle, is that Pearl loves you. The biggest surprise youll get comes midway through this book when youll discover that you love Pearl too. Such a big lovefest. Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Although for some this lovefest may be fraught with fear and loathing, dread and disgust, due to an inability to release a tired threadbare reality and replace it with, well, this .

HI THERE!

Time to open your mind and broaden your beliefs. Wider. Broader. No, more. Cmon, just say yes. Yes, I know it hurts but push through. You can do it and it will be worth it. Thats the ME Pearl promise.

Forget suspension of disbelief because, on my honor as a dead squirrel deity, everything you are about to read is true. It actually happened, or will happen, or could happen if you play your cards right. For your convenience, we sell decks of playing cards, dice, and other assorted games of chance (haha hahaha) at our online store. Do yourself a favor and look it up. We at ME Pearl consider gambling a sacred ritual since, before ME, all of creation was just one big crap shoot.

Did you find that indelicate? Oh, grow up!

Work with ME, people. Im trying to lull you into a true sense of security where you feel that everything will be just fine. Like the

This is Truth as youve never known it. Nowhere else can you change so many planes and never go near an airport.

Fasten your seat belts, friends: its going to be a bumpy read.

A History of Public Relations Dilemmae to be holy canon.

Caveat Emptor

First of all, let it be understood that Pearl de Wisdom absolves herself of any and all responsibility for whatever may go terribly, terribly wrong as a result of following her advice. Thank you for reading and have a nice day.

Georgettes Disclaimer

Gentle Reader,

Please accept my profound apology for the avaricious nature of Pearl de Wisdom, or Pearlie Mae as shes affectionately known by almost no one. As dead squirrels go, Pearl is really swell in so many ways and Im honored to be her channeler, minion, and scapegoat. Yes, shes mercenary, rapacious, and gluttonous, but honestly, who among us isnt? More importantly, shes brilliant, and full of surprises.

Pearls Disclaimer

Peeps,

Please accept my profound apologies for the artistic and literary shortcomings of Georgette Spelvin. The only reason this book is coauthored is that most readers are shockingly hard put to accord a dead squirrel the requisite respect, so it was deemed necessary to pull in my human, Georgette, as the face of the book. Sadly, her penchant for people-pleasing precludes her from being a serious writer. But here she is. Oh goodie. Hence this book is riddled with artistic differences. Just know that whenever the narrative devolves into pablum or schmaltz, when its inconsistent, dull, and derivative, thats Georgette catering to the hoi polloi, no offense. So, what do I, the great and glorious Goddess of the Multiverse, Ascended Squirrel, Pearl de Wisdom, want from you, my reader?