Shmuley Boteach - Parenting with Fire: Lighting Up the Family with Passion and Inspiration

PLANT

your child in a fertile environment

PROTECTION: The first job of parents is to protect their children from harmto both body and spirit.

LOVE: We must always make our children feel that they matter intrinsically and unconditionally. A loved child is a secure child.

ACTIVITY: Show your kids that wholesome pursuits are exciting and fun. Channel their excess energy into wholesome pastimes.

NOVELTY: The good life is where we take the ordinary things and make them extraordinary nurture your childrens innate sense of wonder and awe.

TRADITION: Religious, personal, and national traditions will give children a sense of the significance of their own lives and their places in the universe.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is the star of the weekly prime-time television series Shalom in the Home. He has lectured and appeared in print and on radio and TV all over the globe. His previous books, which have been translated into seventeen languages, include Kosher Sex; Judaism for Everyone; Why Cant I Fall in Love?, which was a finalist for the Books for a Better Life Award; and Hating Women. He lives in Englewood, New Jersey, with his wife and eight children. His Web site is at www.shmuley.com.

Lighting Up the Family

with Passion and Inspiration

S HMULEY B OTEACH

New American Library

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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Boteach, Shmuley.

Parenting with fire: lighting up the family with passion and inspiration/Shmuley Boteach.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-1-101-65119-3

1. Child rearingReligious aspectsJudaism. 2. Child rearingUnited States. 3. ParentingReligious aspectsJudaism. 4. Jewish familiesUnited StatesReligious life. 5. Jewish religious education of childrenUnited States. I. Title.

HQ769.3.B68 2006

296.74dc22 2006010260

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To the memory of my grandmother, Eshrat, who
loved me and inspired me. A mother of thirteen and
grandmother to scores more, she taught me that
family is lifes foremost blessing.
And to my parents-in-law, Sam and Eva,
who gave me my wife, Debbie.

First and foremost, I wish to thank Laura Tucker, who has now worked with me on three books. Laura is a brilliant woman, writer, and editor, but her greatest role, and the one she excels at most, is Mom. I have grown wiser from Lauras questions and insights, and remain profoundly indebted to her.

My parents gave me my core values, and if there is good in me, then they deserve the principal thanks. More than anything else, they taught me to love G-d and to love all G-ds children. Life has no higher lesson.

My brothers and sisters are, and have always been, my closest confidants and the people who, along with my wife, know me best and around whom I can act with no pretense. They are much better siblings to me than I am to them. But as Im the youngest, they have always indulged me, so I will continue to assert my right to be spoiled.

My wife is the person I respect most in the world. She is pure goodness and there isnt a day that goes by that she doesnt inspire me to be a better human being, more patient, more compassionate, more understanding. Being married to her humbles me.

My children are the light of my life and the source of my greatest happiness. All it takes is for me to just think of them to be happy. G-d, its a beautiful thing to be a parent. And speaking of G-d, thank you, O Lord of heaven and earth, for the infinite blessings you have always given me, none greater than a loving family with whom to share my life. I pray that I will always prove worthy of G-ds love.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Schneerson, of blessed memory, was the greatest man I ever met, and it was due to his inspiration that I became a rabbi, met my wife, and had eight children. I miss him every day.

Fanning the Flames Within: Parentingand Livingwith Fire

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.

Hodding Carter

A s host of the TLC show Shalom in the Home, Ive traveled across the United States, and Ive seen the same story unfolding in home after home. Youre doing everything rightyou love your kids, you give them structure, discipline, the best education and guidance you can provide. But youre not seeing any return on your investment of time and effort. Instead, your family is falling apart: your children are unruly, rebellious, and uncommunicative. They sulk like zombies, offering monosyllables in response to questions; they dont live in the home so much as haunt it, and the only time they come to life is when theyre with their friends. You have to bribe them to get them to do the simplest thing, and they dont seem to internalize any of the direction you give them, leaving you feeling not like a voice of authority but like a nag.

And thats the best-case scenario! Many parents these days find themselves held hostage by children who are downright abusive, who cut themselves, who experiment with sex and drugs. And the children themselves seem miserable. They feel misunderstood, unlovedand in many cases theyre putting themselves in very real danger, whether its from adult sexual predators, sexually transmitted diseases, or drug overdose.