Shmuley Boteach - Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments

Dating Secrets
of the Ten
Commandments

Shmuley Boteach

Broadway Books
A Division of Random House, Inc.
New York

Angerthe biggest killer of all

We dont get angry with someone unless we have both judged and condemned them simultaneously. So every bout of anger is preceded by an act of judgment. But God didnt create the universe and put us on earth to be judges. When we do judge we are contesting the authority of the ultimate Judge, denying the existence of God, and making ourselves into gods in our own right. So not only are we breaking the Sixth Commandment; we are breaking the Second Commandment as wellworshipping false idols.

Every angry impulse involves a fundamental act of judgment. For example, if you are sitting on an airplane and someone steps on your toe while getting into the window seat, you will only feel angry with them if you think they are insensitive or careless. If you notice that there is no possible way they could have avoided stepping on you, your toe would still hurt but you wouldnt be angry. We lose our temper with those people whom we judge to have hurt us deliberately, or who have behaved selfishly and irresponsibly.

Imagine that a woman is waiting for her date to pick her up and he is twenty minutes late. Unprepared to listen to his very reasonable explanation about the herd of elephants that had escaped across Central Park and held him up, she loses her temper and screams and yells at him as soon as he arrives. She judged him.

Of course, this woman has every right to a reasonable explanation for his tardiness. You are entitled to maintain your standards of what is and what is not due to you. But a display of instant bad temper is destructive, chiefly because it is so utterly narcissistic. It is an infatuation with your own sense of grievance that goes beyond reason, a form of righteous indignation that is unwarranted, an act of self-love that is unacceptable. And even if you dont lose your temper and raise your voice, almost a worse kind of anger is silent anger, where you just sink into yourself, harboring resentment and refusing to talk about it.

Anger is indicative of a deep-seated arrogance. An arrogant person believes he or she has the right to judge other people. They never place themselves in anothers shoes, never imagine themselves in anothers predicament, never try to understand someone elses pain, and ultimately dismiss their humanity. Devoid of humility and empathy, they cannot possibly sustain a healthy relationship. Hence the Talmud declares that God said of the angry person, He and I cannot reside in the same universe.

Therefore, a bad-tempered man or woman is a definite no-no on any date, without exception. If your date has done something to upset you, the best advice I can give is to allow the wave of anger swelling up inside you to pass. Dont ride that wave; youll only end up crashing into the rocks.

Wait until you cool off before you say, in a calm and pleasant voice, that you did not appreciate his bringing his former girlfriend on the date tonight, especially dressed up in a French maids outfit. If need be, dont go out with him again. But whatever you do, dont rush off into the restaurant kitchen, borrow a hatchet from the chef, and do a Lorena Bobbit on him. Hes not worth it. (And hes probably not that well endowed, either. So why bother?)

But never be too nice

You should never be too nice to your date, especially in the beginning. If your new boyfriend mentions that his nephew is being Bar Mitzvahed next week, it is probably a mistake to immediately offer to do all the cooking for two hundred guests. If your girlfriend tells you that she must go home early because shes taking her mother for colonic irrigation in the morning, do not offer to bring over a hose and lend a hand yourself. And whatever you do, dont offer to help her younger, more attractive sister find out about New York nightlife. Your date should appreciate you and trust in you, but never take you for granted. The thrill of the chase must always be kept alive. The desire to woo and win over one another is an essential part of dating. Never be a pushover.

One man I know took a girl out who clearly wasnt that excited about him. When he asked her out again, she declined. He then called and told her, Fine, I understand that you dont want to go out with me. But I like you a lot, and would like to be involved in your life even on the periphery as a friend who is always there for you. Dumb mistake. She took him up on his offer and called him whenever she was between relationships and felt lonely. These meaningless dates, in which she would pour her heart out to him and talk the entire time about other men whom she really liked, just made him feel used. Soon, he resented her greatly, but really it was he who was responsible for the ridiculous behavior of making himself into a doormat. If you behave like a carpet, you cant blame someone for walking all over you. Every doormat says Welcome on it.

He ended up shooting her cat and stuffing it into her mailbox.

( Just kidding. I wanted to see if you were still paying attention. But he was one unhappy kitten.)

On giving advice

When listening to your date, try not to give advice too soon. Because we are so eager to please and impress on a date, we tend to try to offer solutions to all their personal and professional problems. But your date probably does not want advicethey are asking for a moment of attention and sympathetic companionship. The way we get through all the petty, needling problems of everyday life is by unburdening ourselves to a sympathetic human listener. Usually the best way to tell your date that you appreciate the way they feel is to use simple statements like I cant imagine how you put up with it, or Well, that never happened to me, but I can imagine how painful it must be. I know you are longing to share all that worldly wisdombut dont. Be a listener before a Mr. Fix-it.

As a child, when you didnt finish your revolting soggy green beans, your mother probably made speeches about the starving children in Africa. Remember how you hated it? Keep that in mind when your date complains about how their boss made them go down the road to the mailbox. Dont say things like You are such a complainer, or Man, are you a whiner. I bet if I married you Id be locked up in the funny farm within a month.