Shmuel Boteach - Kosher Sex: A Guide for the Perplexed

Kosher Sex

A Recipe for
Passion and Intimacy

Shmuley Boteach

Duckworth Overlook

This eBook edition 2013
First published in 1998 by
Duckworth Overlook
30 Calvin Street, London E1 6NW
Tel: 020 7490 7300
www.ducknet.co.uk

1998 by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach

The moral right of Rabbi Shmuley Boteach to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBNs
Paperback: 978 0 7156 2832 4
Mobipocket: 978 0 7156 4663 2
ePub: 978 0 7156 4664 9
Library PDF: 978 0 7156 4665 6

Part One
The Sex File

Part Two
Sexual Techniques: the Mechanics of Sex

Part Three
Sex for Single People

Part Four
Marriage and Divorce

Part Five
Kosher Sex: a Recipe

To my siblings
Sara, Bar Kochva, Chaim Moishe, and Ateret
whose love sustained me through our
parents turbulent marriage
and divorce.

In my previous books, I have always thanked my wife last, in the spirit of saving the best for the summit and conclusion. But any wife who endures a Rabbi-husband who spends a year writing a book about sex deserves to be thanked first. And although by the publication date she will have changed her last name to Debbie Smith and had cosmetic surgery so that none of her friends recognise her, I do want to thank my extraordinary wife for all her devotion and support. Of course, there was that time last week when she yelled at the top of her lungs, Ive had it with you, I should have listened to my mother. I could have done so much better than you. Johnny, who I dated before you, is now a plumber earning three times your salary. Even your stupid books never sell! So Debbie, wherever you are, thanks for leaving some cold meatballs in the freezer. Theyre still keeping me going.

My mother was also scandalised by her Rabbi-son writing a book with this title. So I convinced her that she had misheard, and that the real title of the book was Kosher Sax, and concerns itself with the relationship between President Bill Clinton and the American Jewish community. So now she is proudly distributing the book to all her closest friends, telling them that her son is a political theorist. This has still not stopped them, unfortunately, from severing all ties with her (There goes the mother of that strange Rabbi. Quick, lets cross to the other side.)

Likewise, I would like to thank my six children for all being so well-behaved while this book was written, affording me some peace and quiet to get on with the job. Knowing that Daddy needed some silent time, they reduced their warring and fighting to 60 times per day from a summer high of 190 and only interrupted me when the quarrels became really serious like when baby Shaina was being used as a club by her brother Mendy to clobber older sister Chana into submission.

I, of course, must thank my publisher at Duckworth, the very sensitive and deeply philosophical and thoroughly decent Robin Baird-Smith. Robin originally contracted me to write An Intelligent Persons Guide to Judaism, which will hopefully be out next year, God willing. When I told him about the book on sex, he accused me of trying to bring all of Duckworth downmarket and into disrepute. But my response, Robin, what else is there to life besides the sincere search for celebrity and recognition, and how else will I attain these noble and lofty goals if I dont write about sex? left him with no proper rejoinder. So what we did, in order to increase sales, is offer three free copies of the Judaism book for every Kosher Sex copy sold. (Sadly, even this hasnt worked, and copies of the book are now being distributed free with every lottery ticket sold.)

Special thanks must be given to the excellent editing job by Martin Rynja. I really want to express my appreciation to Martin for actually allowing some of my original manuscript however small a fraction into the final, published edition. Martin referred to his having cut out nine-tenths of the manuscript as a vast improvement over the original. But my revenge against Martin should come from the readers themselves. For it was he who removed all the graphic, sexual pictures originally used to better demonstrate key points. Oh well, more room for the imagination. He also sadistically insisted on cutting out the first three hundred pages which contained an exhaustive and detailed description of my early childhood. Youll all just have to wait now for the movie.

I also want to express my appreciation to all of the many friends who shared intimate details of their lives with me for inclusion in this book. You should find it relatively easy to identify them through the thinly disguised veneer I used. Some of them are downright saucy. And who was it that said that Jews have no fun?

Finally, in a moment of complete seriousness, I pay homage to the supreme Master of the Universe, God Almighty, whose infinite love and kindness has always sustained me through the trials of life and existence, and blessed me with a wife and family who never fail to brighten the dark moments. May his Glory be blessed for ever and ever.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and leave his mother. He shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2: verse 24

... a more perfect delight when we be naked in each others arms clasped together toying with each others limbs, buried in each others bodies, struggling, panting, dying for a moment. Shall we not feel then, even then, that there is more in store for us, that those thrilling writhings are but dim shadows of a union which shall be perfect? S. Chitty, The Beast and the Monk

Sex is emotion in motion. Mae West

The person who writes before you is a man deeply influenced by his parents divorce at the age of eight. As I grew up, I had one great wish that haunted me from that moment. I dreamed that one day that my parents would remarry, and I am sure that the same is true for most other children who witness the break-up of their parents marriage.

I became a terrible student who didnt want to grow up, spending most of my time angering teachers and leading petty class revolts. A little voice whispered in my ear, Why grow up when this is what is in store for you? I became a young cynic who believed that nothing in life worked out. The world seemed made of incongruent pieces of a broken puzzle that never really fit, and happiness in life seemed as illusory as it was elusive. I remember how at age thirteen at my Bar Mitzvah, when my parents asked me (separately) what I wanted as a present and that I, though being very selfish and materialistic, responded that I wanted them to get back together.

When I was fourteen I gave up on the idea of seeing them together again. That was also the same age at which I entered into the earliest stage of becoming a Rabbi. Since I couldnt bring my parents back together, I became inspired to pursue a profession which was about mending hearts and healing wounds. Now, seventeen years later, I have one strong wish, and that is to try to remain happily married myself, and finding a means of helping others to achieve this dream state.