Fred Colby - Widower to Widower: Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship

Readers Praise

Widower to Widower

Must buy and read, greatest gift to give to yourself. You need to get this book to help in the healing process and to know you are not crazy.

Tim Paris

Great book! The sooner a widower reads it after losing his wife the better.

Pat Krummel

This book is a must read!! I got my book and two more for other widowers. This book, my faith, my church and counseling has kept me going.

Steve D.

To everyone that has lost a spouse this is a must-read book that will help you realize that you are not going crazy in those moments when you are sure that you are - thank you Fred Colby.

Jim Evans

Wow! Your book did for me what I needed early on. I literally thought I was losing my sanity For the first time in 3 years I now understand my grieving is normal.

Sam Walsh

Thank you for your book that is so needed to help those of us who suffered a life changing loss and find solace in those who share our experience. God Bless You.

Brad Baggett

Excellent manual for moving through the toughest time a Man can face! Thanks for creating this great tool! I just wish I would have found it sooner!

John Prenger

Buy this book. I lost my wife of 45 years100 days ago I miss her more than anything, but your book made me press on.

Tom Lytle, Col, USAF, Ret.

Amazing book, please read.

Ted Tobias

The book is well worth a read. It is honest and no holds barred... Fred is the real deal. He knows first hand the pain we widowers face and the often tortuous journey through grief.

Steve D.

A great book for any widower. I wish I had known about this 3-4 years ago, my life would not have been a living hell! My life is in order now. It would have been a blessing if I had it earlier.

Jim Memory

Congratulations! I must say that your book has helped me more than any other! You deserve these kudos!

Doug Rice

I was in a very dark place after my dearest wife passed. Fred Colbys book was a great help. I strongly recommend it!

E A Rex King III

Thank you for your book and the resulting support. I will always be grateful for your book and sage advice I know that it has likely helped many people like me who are searching for closure and healing.

John Cernak

What a powerful brotherhood I found when I discovered this book. It taught me that I am not alone in my grief, thoughts and conflicting emotions. There truly is strength in numbers. Get this book: It can be game changer for you.

Arnold L.

God bless you Fred Colby, a book like this is long overdue.

David Richards

Widower
to
Widower

Surviving the End of

Your Most Important Relationship

Fred Colby

Second Edition
Front Range Press
Fort Collins, Colorado

Published by Front Range Press

Copyright 2021 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, whatsoever except as may be expressly permitted by law or in writing from the publisher. Requests for permission should be addressed to: Front Range Press at 3580 Stanford Rd, #310, Fort Collins, CO 80525.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021910749

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Colby, Fred, 1948 author

Title: Widower to widower: surviving the end of your most important relationship / Fred Colby

Fort Collins, CO : Front Range Press [2021]

ISBN (e-book): 978-1-7321159-5-8

Nonfiction Death & Dying, Grief, Bereavement, Grief Therapy, Widowers Loss (Psychology) Family Relationships Title

Second Edition

Book Design and Production - Front Range Press

Book Formatting - Emily Fritz

Cover Design Jeff Piaski

Front Cover Frame Photo - halfpoint/depositphotos

Front Cover Wedding Photo Michael Arthur, Photographer

Back Cover Photo Lindsey Parrish Photography

Interior photos Fred Colby

In memory of Theresa Colby, a wonderful loving wife, friend, and lover who made my life and me so much better.

Acknowledgments

With gratitude to:

My loving daughters, Charlene and Jennifer.

My sister, Ann, who encouraged and supported me during the writing of this book.

My therapist, Mia Towbin, who suggested I write this book and supported me through the process.

Alexandra Kennedy, MA, MFT, author of The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss , who reviewed my early book drafts and provided invaluable insights.

My fellow widower, Robert Devereaux, who joined me in starting our Mens Grief Group and supported my writing.

Pathways, which provided a safe place for me during the grieving process and offered counseling support to my family.

Many other friends and family members who made my grieving more bearable and who encouraged me
to write this book.

Introduction

A fter losing your life partner, there are momentsmany of them in factwhen you may doubt your very sanity. For most of us, that triggers the flight or fight reaction. If you fight (confront) it, your chances of coming through this intact are much improved. If you try to run away from it, you may only be delaying the inevitable grieving process.

The greatest fear I had during the earliest stages of my grief was that I was going crazy, losing all control over my thoughts, and that I might make decisions harming me, my family and my friends. That included suicidal thoughts. This scared the hell out of me. I became desperate to find answers so I could avoid making bad life choices. I quickly found those answers would be hard to find, and that resources for widowers were minimal and often of dubious value.

This book is my response to frustration I experienced during this search. I have done my best to compile the most vital information I could find on the widower experience into this one book, so the reader does not have to go to as many sources for answers as I had to do.

Blogging helped me to process my experience as it was happening. I share these blogs from Caring Bridge (caringbridge.org, a site that facilitates your connection with friends and family at a time of loss) throughout the book in chronological fashionstarting from the time I discovered there was nothing else the medical profession could do for Theresa, my wife of 45 years.

Following this introduction, I break down my journey and what I learned into sections designed to address the experience of losing ones spouse. I cover how I coped with my loss, as well as recommendations on how one can meet and overcome the many challenges which lay before a widower as he enters his new reality.

In preparing to write this book I documented my experience through the blogs, read many books and articles, talked to numerous widowers, spoke with therapists, and gathered stories through counseling groups, including a Mens Grief Group which I helped to start at our local hospice. Widower to Widower is the culmination of my journey to date, and my search for answers.

From the beginning, I struggled with the widower label; it asked me to accept the death of my wife. Each widowers experience may vary from mine, dependent on many factors such as length of marriage, depth of your connection to your wife, and/or how dependent you and your wife were on each other. Other relevant factors can include cultural background, depth and closeness of your support circle, how you were brought up, and your religious convictions.

In addition to quotes from other widowers, my personal observations and lessons-learned are supported by references, and insights from Licensed Marriage & Family Therapists who have extensive skill in counseling those grieving the loss of a loved one. This provides the reader with some guidance as to the commonality of my experiences with those encountered by other widowers, as well as an overview of different experiences one might incur.